Tuesday, Jun. 13, 2006 - 12:17 pm
+ it's come to this
i believe... i'm done here.

that's right, i'm leaving. and it's for good this time.

after years of coming to this light purple screen and pouring out my heart and soul to the white box that sits in the middle of it, i'm walking away.

don't think that i haven't thought about this, and don't you dare think that i'm through writing in journals. i've moved on to another place.

this is my second main journal on diaryland, along with my side journals for layout testing and poetry and fiction writing. i can't even guarantee that those sites will be updated again after today, as they haven't been updated in months anyway.

when i come to this screen, it's always with a grudge now. this used to be where i felt at home, where i wanted to stay forever. there were days when i wanted to sit in front of this screen for as long as possible and write as much as i could for whoever would read it... and for myself, because i never turned this into an arena for other people. i always wrote what i wanted for myself, andi'm proud of that fact.

but, back when mom died... back when i moved to this particular journal... i should have left the site altogether for another. i remember all of the nights with that damn nine o'clock curfew, trying to get in all that i could at eight fifty nine; all of the rants i had about mom or my parents in general; all of the times when i wrote of goods times with my dad, the same with my mom...

it's all too painful now. i can't take it anymore. when mom died, my relationship with dad died as well. while i wrote of many, many more things here than those having to do with my parents -mainly those involving my friends and my innermost thoguhts- i just can't do it anymore.

and so, for the last time, i say.... goodbye, diaryland. you've been good to me, and you watched me grow up more than anyone else has through high school and the small amount of college that i've been in thus far. you were there for my first jobs, first kisses, first... many things. but now, it's time to walk away.

myspace profile, blog no longer updated.

(r.i.p. diaryland 2001-2006. coyotesabre, stargazntigr, templatetest, btwnfriends, my-will, and last but not least, imortlnoctrn.)

Saturday, Jun. 10, 2006 - 9:32 pm
+ i can hear you in a whisper, but you can't even hear me screaming
my day has consisted of going to bed at five thirty this morning, getting up around noon, making breakfast for me and elsbe, watching mulan... some bank drama... putzing online, and eating chicken gizzards with taters and rolls.

exciting, no?

so basically, i paid ninety dollars to western union yesterday via debit card. the guy who's sending the ipod picked it up and everything was cool. today i went to check my bank balance, and i had -$2.23 in there.

. . .

panic set in. i felt my stomach empty and my heart clench as i looked for my wallet to run to the bank. elsbe had me call western union first, who said that they only had one transaction on record and that i should go to my bank. couldn't find my wallet, so i just left while crying a little due to freaking out. get there, talk to the main lady at that bank who knows who i am without id or an account number... and she tells me that one of the two times they "took money out" was a pre-authorization. by monday night, it should be sorted out and back into my account.

::sigh of relief::

i'm still paranoid, though. not spending any money 'till tuesday, as i only have thirty dollars on me right now and that may have to stretch two weeks.

in the meantime... i've had this general feeling of "empty" all day. it seems as though if i'm not at work or out with friends, it's almost like there's no reason for me to be awake or around doing anything. i've been pretty slothy all day, and just feeling a general sense of blah. julie asked if i wanted to go swimming at her apartment and i thought about the money/possible gas situation and declined... but i really did want to go.

i don't know, i guess i'm just lonely. all day at work i talk to people about a discount program that i couldn't care less about or talk to them about what kind of book or gift they want to find. snotty people lay their books at the very edge of the counter and i reach out to grab them just before they fall, money is placed on the counter just in front of my fingertips, credit cards are shoved in my face even though there's a pinpad with a swiper right in front of them... and i get cut off as i get five words into my description of our discount program. we're from out of state; i'm in a hurry; i've only got _____; it's not worth it; if you had reasonable prices to begin with, you wouldn't need to have a discount card; why spend to save? and while i put their items in the smallest bag possible, generally without handles fi they're so quick to cut me off or arrogant about it, they stand there impatiently staring at me as though i should be able to go a million times faster. as they walk away i tell them to have a nice night, and they typically ignore it all together or say you too with a tone that says screw you more than anything. and how could i have a nice night? i'm stuck there dealing with people like them for the majority of it.

at the end of the day i feel as though i haven't said a word to anyone. it feels as though i've spent the entire day standing around thinking random thoughts and pushing buttons while mechanically existing like a well oiled machine.

on days like today... time passes by either extremely quickly or extremely slowly, and eventually i just go to bed whether or not i've eaten through the day, then get up to go to work the next day and do it all over again.

it's like i'm in a sea of people, and none will take my hand or acknowledge my screams.

Wednesday, Jun. 07, 2006 - 4:44 am
+ i'm on tonight
i think i might leave diaryland for livejournal. d-land's yearly hosting is near fifty dollars, while it's twenty on lj... and it's nice to not have to do codings for entire layouts and such. plus, i love the icons and the mood sets for lj, and d-land just doesn't have stuff like that, even for paid members. i'm sure there's some sort of code one could use in order to embed something of the sort, but that'd be entirely too much work for something simple.

..yes, it's four in the morning, and i'm online rambling about lj and d-land pros and cons.

for about three hours, i was laying in bed unable to sleep. i finally just got up and got some tea at three, and here i sit. i'm leaving with elsbe at nine thirty this morning, and i'm sitting here awake at nearly four thirty. why? because i can't get myself to fall asleep. i'm not entirely sure why.

we went swimming with julie today, and once i actually got into the water it was great. i learned that i no longer know how to swim the way that i once did, and that it's much easier than it used to be for me to get swimmer's ear, but i had a good time. watching it go from broad daylight to near sunset was enjoyable, and the clouds somehow reminded me of kingdom hearts -which is sad, i know, but the way they were eclipsing each other... there were deep blue and purple clouds eclipsing the orange, pink, and red clouds, and it was just... amazing. words can't describe. it was as if, in that moment, everything made sense. everything was simple and clean for the first time all day, and it was just... right.

so i begged elsbe to take me with her to kckcc and eventually to umkc tomorrow. not because i absolutely have to be around her, but because i know that otherwise, i'll be stuck in the house all day. at least that way i'm out somewhere else, not cooped up in these walls and dealing with the cats. i'm in the process of running the dishwasher and will be running a load of laundry before leaving, so it's not like i have anything better to do after i get those things done.
well, aside from vacuuming and cleaning up the living room, which will be an overhaul once i can afford my own vacuum. i can't work mom's old one, and dad refuses to do it unless absofuckingloutely everything is off of the floor, including things that belong there and have no other place.

..i got more things from japan yesterday. it feels weird saying that... but i did. some papers for origami, a book about -something like this- kiragami (?) along with some more papers, a couple of english translated guides to sumo, and a couple of cell phone thingers. i can't quite figure out what the other things are, i think they're scrapbook stickers, and dad handed me some metal plated bookmarks the other day.

i'm not sure i like all of this... i mean, i appreciate it and plan on treating everything nicely and eventually using most of it -some of that paper's just too pretty to fold up and/or cut up... but it feels weird. i know nothing of this woman, and she's sending me gifts and things. i'm having dad ask her what kinds of books she likes so i can possibly grab a couple of books for her from work... but that doesn't measure up at all.

the thing i mentioned the other day about being bought off? what dad called "part one" arrived today -earphones for the ipod nano that should be arriving any day now as an early birthday gift. oh no, dad's not paying for it... she is.

an ipod nano. shipped from japan. to here. jesus, that can't be cheap. i can find currency converters online that tell me she's already spent quite a bit on stuff for me, let alone things for dad that i haven't seen prices on.

for some reason, the more often i end up receiving gifts from her... the more i miss my mom. she'd sometimes remind me in her own ways that the simple things are important in life -don't get me wrong, elsbe reminds me of this all the time, but it's different. just, the way that she would take some things in rather than others... the things she chose to buy as opposed to something else... she really did live for the little things a lot of the time. little bites of chocolate here and there, a few cd singles or a used cd instead of a whole new one, playing solitaire and hangaroo on my computer, knowing how to check her hotmail and checking on her cbs show synopsi, the smell of lilacs in the spring, her truck being clean, the soft and squishyness of a new teddy bear...
i think that's why i bought kouga the other night. he reminded me of a bear that mom would have liked, and i had been having a rough night anyway... so i went ahead and bought him. and i felt a little bit closer to her that night when i went to sleep.

she wouldn't buy me something like an ipod. i wouldn't be typing on this laptop right now, because it wouldn't be mine -i'd be on that hp, if i even had that, even though it was a gift. i'd likely still be in school, and i'd still be driving only every once in a while. things would be completely different, because i'd still be looking for the little things more than a bit more than i do now.

don't get me wrong, i have nothing against judith -yes, that's her name. from what i've seen/heard, she's a very nice woman, and she makes dad happy... but i feel like she's trying to buy my affection or attention or whatever it is, and i'm not sure i'm comfortable with that. of course there's a weakness for japanese culture and music, and she's hit on both of those already... i'm not sure what to make of this. i get a feeling i won't be sure until the day comes that either she or dad gets up the cajones to go see one another.

sigh. i think i'll work on a banner for lj... figure out how to put it in place in one of these layouts or something, because i know what kind of banner i want, just not sure how to make it and use it on livejournal yet... maybe take a nap before elsbe comes to get me, then work on it some more while she's in class and such.

i think i just figured out why i've been so clingy lately.


+ why does distance make us wise +

last five
it's come to this - Tuesday, Jun. 13, 2006
i can hear you in a whisper, but you can't even hear me screaming - Saturday, Jun. 10, 2006
i'm on tonight - Wednesday, Jun. 07, 2006
last night she said - Sunday, Jun. 04, 2006
baby, this is perfection. - Friday, Jun. 02, 2006


listening to
+ seasons of love // rent
+ take me away (into the night) // 4 strings
+ these words (i love you, i love you) // natasha bedingfield
+ does the dj know // gone 'til november
+ thin thread // elyzium
+ the boys of summer // dj sammy
+ mr. brightside // the killers
+ to save yourself // 4th 'til morning
+ you'll think of me // keith urban
+ california // gone 'til november
+ illegal // shakira
+ on my way down // ryan cabrera
+ diving // 4 strings
+ heaven // dj sammy
+ dream a dream // captain jack
+ tango: maureen // rent
+ goodbye lullabye // gone 'til november
+ swing life away // rise against
+ lost my head // elyzium
+ semi charmed life // third eye blind
+ don't bother // shakira
+ newest
+ older
+ cast
+ poetry
+ quotes
+ clusterfuq
+ dudetterevue
+ lime reviews
+ star-critics
+ gone 'til november fanlist

+ aol im
+ my myspace
+ notes

inspired by
+ star-layouts
+ made by me
good from 1024x768 up in ie

+ landa; nineteen; lesbian; kansas city; kansas; live with my daddy; baby named sango; kid named storm; generally here hanging out or somewhere else with elsbe; love music; college sophomore; creative writing major; taking a break from school.

+ elsbe; evanescence; inuyasha; cauterize; dashboard; daddy; sango; music in general; gamecube; online games; block breaker on the cell; ashley; kristen; sai; mika; sheryl crow; katie holmes; women of substance; gravitation; what few friends i have; slight thunderstorms; cool rain on my skin in the summer; the feeling of falling in love.

+ boys who will never be men; men who will never be boys; homophobia; closed-mindedness; the feeling of falling away from love; seeing someone walk away; reaching for air; losing what little friends i have; fighting with someone; feeling like a mooch; severe thunderstorms; losing touch; feeling alone; living alone; always being wrong; crying.