Tuesday, May. 03, 2005 - 6:48 pm
+ now i know... it's like jumpin
it's like leapin
it's like walkin on the ceilin
it'slike floatin
it's like flyin through the air
it's like soarin
it'ss like glidin
it's a rocket ship you're ridin
it's a feelin that can take you anywhere

so why they call it fallin
why they call it fallin
why they call it fallin
i don't know

there was passion
there was laughter
the first mornin after
i just couldn't get my feet to touch the ground
every time we were together
we talked about forever
i was certain it was heaven we had found

so why they call it fallin
why they call it fallin
why they call it fallin
i don't know

but you can't live your life
walkin in the clouds
sooner or later
you have to come down

it's like a knife
through the heart
when it all comes apart
it's like someone takes a pin to your balloon
it's a hole
it's a cave
it's kinda like a grave
when he tells you that he's found somebody new

and why they call it fallin
why they call it fallin
why they call it fallin
now i know

ooh, why they call it fallin
why they call it fallin
now i know
why they call it fallin' // leann womack

+
Monday, May. 02, 2005 - 8:22 pm
+ is there life after love? i wish i could know the feeling of having a new love. because it's apparantly a good one, and i've heard a lot about it... felt a lot of rejection from it in my lifetime. there's gotta be some vital part of that that i'm missing in my life... and i really wish that i could know it. i'm all too aware of the feeling of friends falling in love or something similar to it... and i really just wish that i could have something of my own, something that i can go to bed knowing is real... and for me and me alone, in the sense of it coming from that person.

...

i've been thinking about that a lot recently. and really, i'm tired of hearing people tell me to give it time, that i'll find it... because i've given it time, and i haven't even had anything near it... in which it was recipricated. i've loved without it being returned in that sense, but that's about all.

..yanno, i've been scarred so much in the past, i don't think that anyone would want me anyhow.

and there's the call to get elsbe.

+
Sunday, May. 01, 2005 - 11:38 pm
+ to know you to know you is to love you
and i've known you for
.s.o..l.o.n.g.
it hurts.
and knowing me is to know
a friend
.n.o..m.o.r.e.
.n.o..l.e.s.s.
it burns...
and i bleed
and i breathe
and i try
to keep on
with some semblance
of my life
.b.e.f.o.r.e..m.y..l.o.v.e.
unrequitted
...as if i could
remember it
before there was a
you.

and then i realize,
you're a
part of me
that i
just....can't.... .l.e.t....g.o....
and push it down
and try to drown
the normal thoughts
and hopes
and wishes
for something more,
while living with
something less
than what i
dreamed
would be.

+
Sunday, May. 01, 2005 - 3:57 pm
+ what i really meant to say is i'm really not that strong we got to talk a little bit before work... basically, she's pulling away now so that she can come back later. and, like i've said many times recently, i'm trying to get used to that. apparantly he cares as well, read what i'd written, and asked what "we (he and she) " can do about it.

..i wouldn't doubt that, we're typically fine with each other on a regular basis when we talk on our own online. meh.

so. this is me getting used to being a "me" again. in a non-romantic sense, we had become an "us" and it'd been that way for so long, it's hard to differentiate things between her and i in some ways. all our cds are in one case, she has some of my old pants, i think i have one or two of her shirts, etc. it's just... different. and i'm gonna have to get used to it whether i like it or not at this point.

top it all off, i've completely lost rachel from what i can see. i inadvertantly pissed her off the other night, and i don't see her signing in for me anymore. getting a feeling i was blocked. she doesn't even know that i moved on here, so i'm getting the feeling that i've all but lost contact with her at least for a while. and really, there isn't any hope left anyway for more than a friendship because of all that i said to her in emails while she was gone.

i'm going thorugh a double breakup. i think i'm allowed to be a bit emo and wish for better days... and hope that one of them comes soon, if nothing just to hang out like we used to do. hell, it hasn't even been two weeks since things were "normal" around here... it almost feels like a dream, but i know that it's not.

and i'm happy. for her. i may feel nothing toward anything or anyone else right now, but i honestly am happy for her. i can see that she's in love and knew it before she did, and i'm glad that she's finally happy and getting what she's deserved for so long...

..but to be honest, i really do wish it could have been me.

...

and i just said that completely without thinking. and i'm not erasing it, because i got this diary to be able to say how i really feel... and now i just need to figure out if that's what i really meant to say right there.

+
Sunday, May. 01, 2005 - 1:04 pm
+ tear my heart open just to feel and thus, she plunges her hand into her own chest and feels around for her self beating heart, ripping it out and throwing it onto the floor herself, so that no one else could take the effort -no, for them, the pleasure- to do so themselves. and then she watches as they all attack it with dirt and stones, almost happy to finally have that outside of her body instead of keeping it within... because it almost hurt more inside than it did now.

...

she loves him. i can see it in her eyes, i can hear it in her voice when she's talking about him... i feel it in the absence of her warmth from my side. and from what i've heard, he loves her too... in more than a fleeting way. the hours spent on the phone, the spurts of time spent together whenever possible... the times when i see them together and just know. i know that this is either going ot be over within the next month or two, or that it will go on for... months, maybe even years... because that's just the way they work, despite her fear of those words and their implications and his cautiousness to what's happening around them.

i've watched this happen many times before, and a lot of the time it ends within a couple of months... but i have a different feeling about these two. and to be honest... i really think they could do it... no matter how much it tears me up inside to say it, i really think they could.

and i'm gonna do what i always said i would end up doing; i'm planning to sit on the sidelines and hope for chances to jump in aside from riding along places or driving places, because it gets harder and harder every day to have time... i'll keep hoping for an hour here and there to just be us again, without some boy, or maybe someday some girl, being involved.

...

she walks over to it, seeing all of the abuse that it had endured, and picks up her heart, seeing that it was still fighting. carefully cleaning it off, she replaces it in her chest, and lays down to regain some energy, hoping that someone will come along and help her walk away...

+

+ why does distance make us wise +