Wednesday, May. 11, 2005 - 9:16 am
+ girls don't like boys, girls like cars and money so, mayfield and i have a theory that isn't related to music in the least. it's about girls and guys, and how the brain processes of girls seem to change as they get together.
..believe you me, this theory didn't come out of nowhere, and while i was thinking about it i'd ending up running into her while walking out to the truck. and, while she is indeed older than me (in the nicest way possible), i figured she would have had more experience in seeing this (or even feeling this herself) than i have. thus, i explained it to her somewhat like this:
girl meets boy, girl and boy get together, girl loses brain cells.
and thus, we have:
the theory of the de-evolution of the female brain once a male sets inwhen a girl and a boy end up together, or a more popular term, a "couple", there is a lot more going on in the inside of the brains of the female than meets the eye. (though i will admit, this is usually true in any case, as it was prodominantly WHICH gender in jackass: the movie... which was seen by WHICH gender, more often than not?)
the equation for this is quite simple, really:
girl meets boy, girl and boy get together, girl loses brain cells, girl starts gaining them back over time.as we speak, i am working on my latest case study in this theory. usually i try not to have a subject that i am so close to, but it seemed to happen this way this time. so far, the subject has lost a lot of her usual ability to reason -as this is actually a quite intelligent girl- and tends to stay up quite late at night on the phone, expecting to wake up early in the morning and function somewhat normally, and actually ending up quite sub-normal. homework has been put off repeatedly (known to most as the put-off technique), though this is also (read as: mainly) due to inner family stress and turmoil at the same time (read as: a dying family member), the "boyfriend" and time spent with him is also a likely cause.
(however, i can also say that time spent with me is a root cause as well, at least to the homework portion of this theory. though, in most cases, it is time spent rationalizing and figuring out what to do and how to do it, or getting everything out in the open and off of the subject's chest. even at times, help with said homework.)also, there is less understansing present than there once was when speaking of something bothering someone else. if there is conversation related to another having, say, a bad day, there is less sympathy and empathy and more cynicism and sarcasm than there once was. i've noticed that this is a pattern in all cases, more or less. others may exemplify this in just caring less and disappearing.
notice that it was said that the subject can rationalize while she is away from said "boyfriend." this is because, being in the presence of other females, she is able to regain some of her previous thought processes. for a brief time she almost seems "normal" again, though as soon as she is put on the phone or in any other form of contact with the "boyfriend," the symptoms appear yet again -the lack of rationalization, the put-off technique of dealing with things, and the lack of sympathy/empathy.
there is a flaw in this theory, however. this particular subject is still willing to be with other people and care about other people while still being in a "couple" situation. most of the time, the girl disappears for the duration of the friendship, leaving behind any friends that were once there, and running immediately back to them when the "couple" is terminated, expecting unconditional positive regard. the current subject actually refuses to do this, as this has been done to her on many occasions. this particular subject has learned from past experience and noted how much it bothers someone to have these symptoms at full strength used against her loved ones, and has found ways to push it away at times. it can be assumed that the symptoms occur in various degrees with different girls with different boys, however this is the only instance in which it has been a lesser degree all together.
so. i can say that i did something at least somewhat constructive while elsbe was taking her theory final... and hope that she takes this in a nice, light hearted way without pounding the shit out of me =). though i must say, that seems to be what actually happens in most cases. girls lose brain cells when they're in boy/girl relationships. and mayfield agrees with me.
feel free to comment as you wish, as i'm curious to know what others think of this theory... and if i'll get killed for even suggesting it...
..though keep in mind that i'm female as well, and have seen countless friends/relationships that have happened this way. i may not be interested in boys, but i've seen what an interest in boys can do =).
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Tuesday, May. 10, 2005 - 1:33 am
+ with anyone but you something i wrote in a text message to a few people earlier... didn't hear back from most of them though, which is discouraging:
she looks at the sky and remembers a time when it was hers and hers alone... when she could just reach up and grab it up for herself........and then she remembers she had to give up that sky, because so many wanted to gaze upon those stars the way she once had... and sheds a lonesome tear each night, wishing that it could be hers, just once more.
sounds like a pretty good start to some sort of fiction something, eh? might use that later... like tomorrow...
and pasting the email i just wrote to mrs. gast is a heck of a lot easier than rewriting everything. go me.
yeah... meh. i just went above and beyond the call fo friendship by any means... layed down on the other side of elsbe's mom's van looking at the sky while she and aaron made out or something like it for an extended period of time. she ever says i don't do anything for her or that i don't love her ever again, i'mma kill 'er.the smoking... limited to one a day, if even that. it's more an "i'mstressedoutanddon'thaveanythingelsetodoHEYANEWVICE!!" kidna deal. by the end of finals, it'll be done... just wanna finish that pack. was *extremely* upset when i bought that... i think it was the night after aaron asked elsbe out. kinda hard ot talk to elsbe about my problems when she's the stem, so i took it out on about $4.65 or so at quiktrip. made sure to get the smaller ones so as not to die. for what it's worth, it's been probably about twenty days since he asked her out, and i've still got about half a pack left, and that's with her smoking a few. i'm aware of what it does, that's what apparantly killed mom. so totally not addicted just... using that when i can't talk to anyone. which isn't too often, actually. selana's around a lot online.
speaking fo which, she's starting an indie record label sometime in the relative near future and has offered to consider a demo from me and elsbe, hehehe. she's ecclectic enough... so that might be really cool later on! (yes, more reason for the both of us to quit smoking. which i will, as i could easily right now.. i just seriously don't want to waste that much money since i bought them already o__o;; ).
elsbe for SURE gets her car back wednesday. every nook and cranny has been checked... and it feels good to be able to say that when she's done shopping with her mom wednesday afternoon/evening, she can just come by whenever she wants to. and i know that i'll be able to successfully back off from the two of them now...
we screamed at each other in the truck earlier while aaron was with us... while i was driving. basically it boils down to this: i love her more than anything, i like him... i hate both of them. aaron's seriously a pretty good guy/ good friend, but jesusgod they don't really care if i'm around anymore. actually didn't from the start... immediately assume that i've got nothing that i want to do that day and keep me out all day/night. like tonight, i got home at 12:45, not knowing whether or not i'd need to be at school at 7 tomorrow for a final (i don't, by the way... thank goddess). i love her, i like him, but i hate 'them'. he's... around for absolutely everything and does everything that i used to do... i don't know how to go about being her friend now if he's always going to be around doing what i do before i can touch her 'cause... he's always touching her...anyway, severe lack of sleep has caused excessive rambling about things that probably needed to be rambled anyway... but still. meh. need....... sleep......... ::sigh::.
and i suppose... this is goodnight.
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Monday, May. 09, 2005 - 1:55 am
+ what this woman needs while sitting here watching the disk defrag and the disk cleanup options run, i've finally figured out what i seem to need most right now...
..someone to be here to pet/play with my hair whenever it feels as soft as it does right this very moment... how it's felt all day... because it's one of the best feelings i know that i'v eactually felt... and it reminds me that someone really cares about me in some way or another... and it's actually somewhat intimate to me, because i don't really let anyone touch my hair unless they're a close friend or something more... and it's like i can feel the love right there in their fingertips, flowing through me form my head to my toes, leaving me with that warm and fuzzy feeling... and it's just... it's just a really soothing feeling that i appear to be missing in my life right now...
..and now i'm going to close the lid on this sucker to let ti continue defragging, and go to bed dreaming of someone being here to do just that...
+
Sunday, May. 08, 2005 - 11:47 pm
+ i'd trade wisdom back in for innocence so. elsbe and i were talking about the plans for tomorrow... and she's gonna take the truck after aaron's done at school, leaving me at school with my laptop and power cord 'till daddy gets off work.
i know my heart should guide me says:
dad can pick me up after he gets off work (5) and you can come over when you're done hangin' out with aaron.
i know..i can not...bear it all alone.. says:
uh oook
i know..i can not...bear it all alone.. says:
u sure?
i know my heart should guide me says:
yeah... if it means you can be happy, yes. i know..i can not...bear it all alone.. says:
-________-
i know my heart should guide me says:
i honestly mean that,dammit.
i know..i can not...bear it all alone.. says:
don't say if it makes me happy
i know..i can not...bear it all alone.. says:
bc theni feel guilty bc iwant u to be happy 2222222222
i know my heart should guide me says:
i'll live.
i know my heart should guide me says:
i'll be happy by myself.
i know my heart should guide me says:
play with layouts or... something...
i know..i can not...bear it all alone.. says:
....i dont' wnat u to be unhappy
i know my heart should guide me says:
elsbe, i'll be unhappyier if i'm around you two much longer.
i know my heart should guide me says:
so... i'll basically be happier if i'm not there.
i know..i can not...bear it all alone.. says:
..sigh
i know..i can not...bear it all alone.. says:
i love u soooo mcuh
i know..i can not...bear it all alone.. says:
lan
i know my heart should guide me says:
i love you even more elsbe.
i know my heart should guide me says:
elsbe, i know you love me. really. if i didn't know before, i definitely know now more than ever.
i know my heart should guide me says:
and i love you... if i didn't, i wouldn't offer to step aside... i'd keep gettin' in your face and demanding your attention... but i'm trying not to more and mroe every day...
i know my heart should guide me says:
because i know you're in love. and the one you love... loves you right back. which you facking deserve.
i know..i can not...bear it all alone.. says:
i still want u to be there though
i know..i can not...bear it all alone.. says:
ur so much a part of me
i know my heart should guide me says:
and... i don't know how much i can take both of us being there with you... because it's just.. awkward...
i know my heart should guide me says:
especially since i know he knows about our past...
i know my heart should guide me says:
and that he's jealous...
i know..i can not...bear it all alone.. says:
ah
i know my heart should guide me says:
and... i don't want to be there to make him jealous...
i know..i can not...bear it all alone.. says:
ah
i know..i can not...bear it all alone.. says:
yea
i know my heart should guide me says:
i... want you to be happy... and that's probably not gonna happen as well until i'm not there...
i know my heart should guide me says:
so... i'm pulling myself away for you...
i know my heart should guide me says:
and if i didn't love you, i wouldn't..
i know..i can not...bear it all alone.. says:
..sigh
i know my heart should guide me says:
that way, he doesn't have anything to be jealous of, and you two can be alone and...
i know..i can not...bear it all alone.. says:
hm
i know my heart should guide me says:
..and i can start stepping aside.
i know my heart should guide me says:
'cause i need to get used to it.
i know..i can not...bear it all alone.. says:
sihg
i know..i can not...bear it all alone.. says:
i love u
i know..i can not...bear it all alone.. says:
i tried to kill the pain
i know..i can not...bear it all alone.. says:
but only brought more
i know my heart should guide me says:
i love you so much more.
i know my heart should guide me says:
heh..
i know my heart should guide me says:
i... have to learn to live with the pain so i can will it all away.
i know my heart should guide me says:
and.. learn to deal with/get rid of it.
i'm dying..praying..bleeding..and screaming says:
ah ok
i'm dying..praying..bleeding..and screaming says:
hn
i'm dying..praying..bleeding..and screaming says:
i'm sorry
i know my heart should guide me says:
it's fine. really.
i'm dying..praying..bleeding..and screaming says:
i love u so much..u have no idea
i know my heart should guide me says:
i know sweetie...
i know my heart should guide me says:
i'll... yeah, i'm letting you have the truck tomorrow. dad'll pick me up after work.
so... i'm learning. i'm starting to "do what i need to do" to let her be happy... and learn to be happy. because... it needs to start sometime, right? it just makes sense to do that for her... and though she may want me there, i think it'll end up beter this way.
i'm trying to be better...
..is it working?
[edit] she refuses to leave me there that long... and is apparantly going to pay for the gas to take me home, then go back out there, go where ever, come get me, take him home, then... probably come back here. ::le sigh::. i wasn't trying to be difficult in the least, thought that would be the easiest thing to do... and the least amount of driving involved. meh... i'll have time to play with that web design program i'm grabbin' from the book store at school tomorrow, though! heh... heh..... ::sigh::
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Sunday, May. 08, 2005 - 8:36 pm
+ we keep running form these sentences so. i'm giving up on not saying anything in here and just.. saying it. because the majority of you know it already. no complete details, but a generalization of the situation.
as all of you likely know already, i had something of an unrequitted love for elsbe. have, rather, and i'm trying to get over it. and it's not the easiest process in the world, especially as... well... she's everything i've ever dreamed in one life-sized elsbe shaped woman. so yes, the whole process of her and aaron getting together has been a bit... hard, to say the least.
right now? i'm waiting on her car to be ready. why? so i can find a way to... walk away for a while and... regroup, i suppose. i don't expect for contact to be cut off, but i'm not planning on being the one to initiate contact for a while. she can come and go as she pleases the way she used to when she had her car before, and she can call whenever she wants... but i want a while to not plan things so much.
why am i doing this? yes, we've been friends for ::counts:: about three years now, going on four. there've been a lot of really good times, and she's been there thorugh all of the bad as well. since august, she's been a major constant in my life. since a couple weeks ago, that's changed. there've been a lot of conversations about us, about them, about her, about him... and i've decided that it will be easier for all involved to not have to think of me so often, and for me to not have to worry about ending up with them all day or being disappointed when plans are broken out of what seems to be nowhere.
yes, she's been there for everything. yes, it's only been recently that she's not been around. it's hard for me to see those things sometimes, but right now i see it. and i fully understand it... i tend to usually understand it, i just... don't actually see it. so, that's why i'm not walking away completely. that's why i'm not allowing contact to be cut off. that's why i'm leaving my door open and my phone on/plugged in, and that's why i'll still be online.
another reason? it's just... getting hard right now. elsbe needs times to learn how to balance things... because she comes over here and immediately starts talking to him by either stealing my computer and getting on messenger for as long as she possibly can, or getting on the phone. when she does that, it's... harder than anything to try and talk to her about anything that's actually important. she's blocking out anything that isn't him, and she... hadn't really realized that until last night when i brought it up to her. she called herself horrible... i called her "in love".
what do you do to get over the girl of your dreams? seriously, because this is the second hardest thing i've been through, the second hardest pain that i've ever felt. i refuse to cut ehr out of my life, because... above all else, she's my sister. that's never gonna change, no matter how many things change around us. i wish it were as simple as waking up and not feeling it anymore, but it's just... not. and i've tried all that i can think of thus far, without walking away BEFORE she gets her car back, leaving both her AND aaron into a pretty bad situation.
..you two can comment as well, by the way. and i'm... not mad at either of you. disgruntled and angsty, but not mad.
elsbe, you know i love you. i'm not goin' anywhere, you're just gonna have to be the one to call me for a little while. and aaron, i really do like you as a person. both of you together... drives me nuts. it's hard seeing you together. and by the way, there's nothing to be jealous of when she and i are together... because there's nothing there. if there ever was anything at all, there isn't anymore. she's my family.
+
+ why does distance make us wise +
