Wednesday, May. 18, 2005 - 3:44 pm
+ if i had just one tear runnin' down your cheek i'm writing this to you, and you know who you are. if not... then i guess i'll just have some lyrics there for me should i need to know them later on.

if i had just one tear running down your cheek
maybe i could cope maybe i'd get some sleep
if i had just one moment at your expense
maybe all my misery would be well spent

yeah.... could you cry a little
lie just a little
pretend that you're feeling a little more pain
i gave now i'm wanting
something in return
so cry just a little for me

if your love could be caged, honey I would hold the key
and conceal it underneath the pile of lies you handed me
and you'd hunt those lies
they'd be all you'd ever find
and that'd be all you'd have to know
for me to be fine

yeah.... and you'd cry a little
and die just a little
and baby i would feel just a little less pain
i gave now i'm wanting
something in return
so cry just a little for me

give it up baby
i hear your doin' fine
nothing's gonna save me
i can see it in your eyes
some kind of heartache, darlin
give it a try
i don't want pity
i just want what is mine

yeah... could you cry a little
and lie just a little
pretend that you're feeling a little more pain
i gave now i'm wanting
something in return
so cry just a little for me

yeah... cry just a little for me

could you cry a little for me

yeah, yeah

+
Tuesday, May. 17, 2005 - 6:58 pm
+ i quit, i quit i despise it when you have this entire list of people you can call to go out, and they all claim at some point or another to be able to go out at a moment's notice...

..and absolutely no one can.

...

so. i think i'm going to resign my night to going out to the arcade alone, then picking myself up some chinese food, coming home, and eating it while i sit around online while watching tv with daddy. because absofuckinglytely no one is available for anything tonight, or they all want to stay home, or they're going out with other people, or they're working or...

gyah.

i applied at hen house. then i proceeded to call julie and ask her what she'd have to do to get me a job at wal-mart. because i'm taht desperate... because dad's on my ass that much...

i gave hen house elsbe's schedule as my work schedule. maybe there's a chance at still seeing each other at some point?

..watch, her schedule will change next week.

...

so you see, i can't actually be gone from here for a week or offline for a week... because if i am, i'll just be alone puttering in my room or reading manga. because all of my friends are too busy.

i tried. i really, honestly, and truly tried. and i don't mean just this once, i've tried multiple times... to no avail.

i quit.

if any of you people want me, you know how to get a hold of me. because i'm giving up on being the plan maker... because they can never be made and kept...

+
Tuesday, May. 17, 2005 - 1:00 am
+ can you hear me scoping out a friend's lj and such, and finding cool little things along the way... which YOU kiddies will get to deal with. bwahaha. i have the power to make you deal with a horrendously long update!!!

for the three or four people who come here and read this... have these:

1. Who are you?:
2. Are we friends?:
3. When and how did we meet?:
4. Do you (or did you ever) have a crush on me?:
5. Would you kiss me?:
6. Describe me in one word:
7. What was your first impression?:
8. Do you still think that way about me now?:
9. What reminds you of me?:
10. If you could give me anything what would it be?:
11. How well do you know me?:
12. When's the last time you saw me?:
13. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?:
14. Are you going to put this on your journal and see what I say about you?:

Let Me Tell You What I Like About You!
1. Reply to this post if you want/need me to tell you how cool you are!
2. Watch my journal over the next few days for a post just about you and why I think you rock my socks.
3. Post these instructions in your journal and give your friends a much needed dose of love and adoration.

i expect comments from you people! if nothing, as proof that people read o__o;;... and to give me an idea as to whether or not locking this down will even be beneficial or anything like that, as if there's little to no one reading this anyway...

My ABCs
A - Age: i'm saying nineteen, as it's two months from the birthday
B - Band listening to right now: evanescence
C - Crush: ..getting over the one everyone knows about.
D - Dad's name: corby wain
E - Easiest person to talk to: elsbe, likely because she's so close to me
F - Favorite band at the moment: evanescence is a constant, but i'm going through phases again as well, including norah jones at this time.
G - Gummy Bears or Gummy Worms: worms, because mom loved teddy bears so much.. i could never bring myself to eat a baby one!
H - Hometown: kansas city, kansas, though born in missouri
I - Instruments: my voice, and a tiny bit of piano... and cello if given time to remember
J - Junk food: i suppose this counts... chinese food!
K - Kids: not sure if i want anything beyond my cats at this point. maybe, for the right girl.
L - Longest car ride ever: oh gawd, the van ride TO chicago was thirteen to fourteen hours... never again...
M - Mom's name: annetta lynn
N - Number of siblings: none by birth, at least one by choice.
O - One wish: to find. have, and enjoy a love of my very own in the near future... though i don't see it happening any time soon.
P - Phobia[s]: being alone, storms (though i'm getting over it), the dark (sometimes), spiders.
Q - Favorite Quote: "take (the song) and make it your own." -elsbe
R - Reason to smile: my junior year of high school, the spring break in the middle of it, and the summer after it... and the past nine months, even through all the hardships that we faced. it was worth it to have had what we had.
S - Song you sang last: oh hell... that was this afternoon, which is abnormal... um..... don't know why // norah jones
T - Time you wake up: anytime now, as it's summer break as of today. was awoken at about ten fifteen this morning, though that won't be a constant.
U - Unknown fact about me: i hadn't had my first kiss until this year.
V - Vegetable you hate: asparagus and spinach tie this one.
W - Worst habit(s) you've had: smoking and nail biting.
X - X-Rays you've had: my pinky finger when i broke it in 6th grade.
Y - Yummy food: chinese! and thai!
Z - Zodiac sign: cancer and chinese one's tiger.

and number two, because i haven't done any of these things here yet before this entry anyway:

1. Tell me something obvious about yourself.
various coloured red hair dye is my buddy, and i have a bit of an obsession with being around someone all the time.
2. Tell me something about yourself that I don't know.
i think i have gender identity disorder, but i refuse to go get tested... and i think that my bipolarity/depression is coming back, but i havne't done anything about it... yet. but i plan on it once i muster up the courage to call my psychology teacher from this semester's office. probably within a week or so.
3. What is your biggest fear?
that i'll be alone for an extended period of time in any sense... or forever, romantically speaking. and spiders.
4. Do you normally take the safe route or the shortcut?
depends on what type of situation we're talking about here.
5. What is the one thing you want the most that you can't buy with money?
the love of a woman who would be treated properly to the best of my abilities... and acceptance from those who are anti-gay, though that one will never happen.
6. What is your most treasured possession?
most of my posessions have phases... right now it's a toss up between my manga, my laptop, and elbe -my white tiger that elsbe bought for me around yule this year, and that i've slept with every night since.
7. What is the one thing you hate most about yourself that you do the most often?
say something the wrong way, instigating a fight with someone.
8. Tell me something about you sexually that I don't know.
i haven't been a virgin for a while now... in any sense of the word. one longer than the other... and not in the way you may think...
9. Tell me something about you sexually that everybody knows.
..there really isn't anything that everybody knows. i try to stay quiet about said things.
10. What is your favorite lie to tell?
::phone rings, telemarketer on the line:: i'm... kinda busy right now... ::elsbe moans in the background:: heh... heh... ::dead silence, as the telemarketer hangs up, and i run to glomp elsbe as we giggle together::
11. Name something you have done once that you can't wait to do again.
kiss someone as passionately as they kissed me... repeatedly.
12. Are you the jealous type?
in some cases, yes. in others, i couldn't care less.
13. What is the 1 person, place or thing that you can never say no to?
person: elsbe. place: walmart. thing: sex. or helping someone when they ask me for it. 14. What is the nicest thing someone has ever done for you?
been there to comfort me when i needed it the most... and even when i didn't anymore.
15. If you could do something crazy right now, what would it be?
i wanna get laid. i think that's what would solve ALL of my problems right now. but i don't tell anyone.
16. When was the last time you cried?
saturday night. in my truck.
17. When was the last time you felt so good that nothing else mattered?
::counts back:: monday about a month ago.
18. Do you feel comfortable in public with no shirt on?
hell no, i'm a girl and a fat and pastey girl at that. never. only in front of certain people, and that list is limited to one at this point.
19. Name something embarassing you did while drunk.
uhm... my cousin got me drunk the first time when i was around eight, and i ran into walls. i've tended to keep a pretty level head when drinking this far, but i'll keep you posted.
20. If you post this in your journal, do you want me to answer it?
sure, why the hell not?