Friday, May. 20, 2005 - 2:30 pm
+ land of the free ..until you get to things like marriage and health care and religion and such.

i called and scheduled an appointment with my psychology teacher from this semester... only to find out that my insurance doesn't cover her. so i'm gonna wait and leave a message tonight or something so she doesn't try to have me go anyway...

the health care system in america is stupid. really, it is. because someone who actually needs help and doesn't have money would be completely screwed... i honestly think that i'll be fine, but what if i were a suicidal sonofabitch who wasn't covered to see the doctor that i wanted to see? and then there's people who have major things happen to them, admitting them to the emergency room, and once they find out that there's no insurance, treatment all but stops and they're told to go home and do this or that. gyah.

i'm moving to canada someday. swear.

+
Thursday, May. 19, 2005 - 4:08 am
+ words can never say me: i'll be here when you get back.
me: and by the phone should you need to speak.
elsbe: ...shes gone
elsbe: i gotta go
elsbe: moms being hysterical
elsbe: can't balme her
elsbe: gye
[last message sent at 4:05 am]

...

it's amazing how the course of a few minutes... of a few seconds... can either give or take away something so prescious as a human life...

i'll be up probably until elsbe leaves with lyssa later... if i even sleep then... caffiene's my friend... i wanna be here if she needs to talk...

..and to think of what to tell her when she does, as i at least partially know what she's feeling...

+
Thursday, May. 19, 2005 - 3:36 am
+ a new day has come apparantly all of the boys and probably some of the girls in the audio engineering department thinks that elsbe and i are together.

...

well, this is fun. meh.

amanda called me earlier, asking if me and elsbe wanted to watch a movie tonight. ended up going from one girly movie to another, as princess diaries two wouldn't play well... and we ended up watching the count of monte cristo. heh. i want someone to love me like that one day... ::dreaming sigh:: good times were had by all, and there were a lot of side comments on guys being other guys' bitches.

..which reminds me, i need to find out who one of the actors was, because he was a drag queen in another movie i saw. or something.

...

..elsbe just got online. ::sigh:: i feel so bad for her... and sorry that she has to go through everything she's dealing with at home right now. just awoken to screaming to go help with her gramma, who was sick everywhere. i wish her the best that can come of these circumstances, and i'm not exactly sure what it is at this point. i hope she knows that i'm here for her whenever she needs me to be... including right now on msn.

..i've been a bitch lately. and i'm sorry for that, i just... find it easier to do that than deal with everything as a "normal" person. i'm trying to break myself of it... but i know that hasn't been helping her with anything. i've been getting progressively bitchier about her and aaron when i should be happier for her... but it is indeed harder to listen to than i thought. i want to listen, and i want to be there... so i'm dealing with all of my feelings from it afterward, when she can't see it. because i don't want her to think that i want to push her away and not listen to her... or be there for her...

...

meh. i'm doing a lot of growing right now... changing, that's harder and harder to do, but i'm trying... it may be small and subtle changes at first, but i'm getting used to it.

the thing with lack of plans? i'm... really trying on that one. that's seriously something that's just ingrained in my mind that will take months if not a few years to get over. it's not an overnight thing.

in all cases, one step at a time i suppose... right?

+
Wednesday, May. 18, 2005 - 8:48 pm
+ it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah ..have you ever looked around and wondered why everything has been going so badly, and realize that you're the problem? that you're the one causing your own pain?

...

yeah. just did that.

everyone else is just so... happy... right now... and i can't get myself to be. i can't be happy with the little things anymore, and i keep hoping for the big things and they just... skip me over.

look, it's not like i want to feel this way, things just... happen that way. and there really isn't much that i can do about it but try to push everything away and pretend that everything's going well for me too... but in fact it feels like anything but that. and every time i go to tell someone how i feel, they shut me out or yell at me that they have enough on their own to deal with, or merely don't have the time to even start to listen to be between doing this and that. if i had it my way, i'd be just as happy or as "happy" as everyone else is right now... but i just can't get that to happen on my own.

i called everyone in my cell phone yesterday. most of them didn't answer. those who did were too busy to even talk, let alone come hang out.

dad put it to me straight last night. they're all in the phases of growing up, much farther along than i am. they... don't have time for things like coming over to hang out, or going out someplace, or talking, or being with anyone but their significant other, or anything like that... and i just... have to come to accept that on my own... and that i've been babied around things like this for so long, that i hadn't really seen it...

well, all that, and apparantly i need a job to keep me busy so i'm not moping around wishing that people could go out and do things.

...

once i've got enough money, i want to move away somewhere that i don't know anyone, just so i can live by myself for a while... because i need to learn that i'm the only one that i can actually depend upon... and if that's the only way that's gonna happen, then goddammit i have to do it... or at least try...

..because i'm the last one out of everyone to have to grow up. and i haven't yet... though i need to... i thought i was for so long, but i was completely wrong... i don't know anything about the word and won't until i'm working 40 hours a week and taking at least 15 to 18 credit hours at school at the same time...

i'm always gonna be the baby to everyone else... and not by age...

+
Wednesday, May. 18, 2005 - 7:57 pm
+ maybe i would feel a little less pain dad and i touched on this in conversation earlier... and i think it's noteworthy, whether i end up gettin' put through the ringer on it or not... because i said so. and because it's part of who i am... that can't really be changed easily at all.

for all of my life, i knew when food was gonna be ready. after a certain point, if i didn't know, i could count the hours inbetween meals to know when it would happen. i knew when doctors appointments were, i knew when we had to go to the store, i knew when we had to go to wal-mart. there wasn't too much spontaniaty for the first eighteen years of my life. when there was any, it was savoured, especially late night wal-mart runs made for little to no reason.

and then all of that changed.

i don't know when i'm gonna eat, sometimes if i'm even gonna get to eat at all. i don't know what i'm doing during the day, let alone a week from today. i don't know what time i need to be up or what time i'll get to go to bed at night. i'm not too sure when i need to be ready to leave the house, or how much time i'll have to get from here to there, or how long i'll be there once i get there. things are just... completley unstructured now, and it's still really hard to get used to and get a grip on... problem being it's gotten even worse within the past month or so, to where i don't even know if i should get out of bed anymore for fear of feeling horrible by the time i get to bed early the next morning.

dad doesn't make structured plans anymore, because he had to deal with them even longer than i did. thus, when he sees me, he tells me to so something and wants it done right then... whether or not i can actually do it... or it's a long term something, and he doesn't say that, and i get it done as soon as i can to be met with yanno, you didn't have to do that yet... which leaves me bitchy and quite pissed. then elsbe and i will make what i consider to be plans to do something, and it comes time to do it, and i'm told i don't feel like it or i have to do thisandthisandthis before i can even think of doing that! or more recently i wanna talk to/see aaron instead.
[side comment] it's not because it's aaron, it's because it's a complete break in the plans that had been made, often resulting in them not happening at all, or being altered to the point of not seeing what it really was anymore by the time we go to do it. [/side comment]

i just... wish at least a little bit of that structure had stuck around when mom died. it blew out the window not even a week afterward, leaving me confused and wondering what to do.

speaking of which, i'm going to be on probation on my scholarship because of grades... and if mom had seen those grades, i surely would have been grounded or yelled at or had a firm talking to or... something. now all i get is did you try your best? and i'm told that's all that matters... like hell it is... and like i actually tried just as hard as i could have... i know i could ahve tried harder, but these past semesters have been fucking hard for me to keep up in with everything that's been going on around me and changing.

...

when i didn't turn in my paper in psychology, knowing my recent past, my teacher walked over and placed her business card in my face -as my head was down on the table- showing me that she has an office in kansas city, missouri.

..i think i'm calling her tomorrow or friday.

+

+ why does distance make us wise +