Sunday, Jun. 05, 2005 - 3:08 am
+ goodnight sweetheart you know that feeling you get when you're about to do something that you really don't want to do, or when someone's trying to make you do something and you're almost considering it? the type of nervousness you feel when that happens?

..yeah, i've been feelin' it for the last hour or so, and i'm not too sure why. at all. i just... feel uneasy and twitchy and nervous like no other.

right now? i'm camped out on the couch watching three men and a baby. used to watch this movie all the time when i was younger... generally with mom...

elsbe stayed over last night, hence the lack of an update. spent the night at aaron's 'till about three thirty in the morning... then went to quiktrip on the way home for a drink and an apple fritter, out of the kindness of her heart. what was awesomely odd and kinda cool was on the drive here, when we were about to turn onto my street, all of the street lights went out seemingly out of nowhere... got to my house and realized that it was the whole neighborhood when the lights weren't on outside, as if we hadn't noticed it when all the other houses' lights were gone as well. interesting adventure trying to get the flashlight from my truck in the complete darkness... and sleeping without a cd playing. though the light was on for a while before elsbe and i dozed off... i think it helped each of us that we were together through that one o__o;;.

oh, fun part. that mouse that's been terrorizing my bedroom? yeah, it's dead in there someplace... and apparantly i must clean my room tomorrow while elsbe's at work, because i can barely stand to go in there. i think that's why i'm not in there asleep already...

funner part! elsbe's car overheated again today! twice! lots of yelling at each other, lots of fighting over what to do... and then we got it here, and it blew up o_o. elsbe loosened the radiator cap, and the hose connected to the spill bucket went nuts, disconnected, and flew around like a pissed fof snake dancing around in the front part of the car. thus, we dove like no other out of the way, watching as christine bled herself to death, in a very green way.

..funnest part of the day, and i do mean it. we got to search thorugh carmax for most of the cars she'd thought of, and then we had our pizza, ice cream, and movie night that had been put on hold seemingly indefinitely. and that, along with while i was falling asleep last night less afraid of the storm, was one of few times i've smiled and meant it recently. i had my friend back for a while today and tonight, and we talked and watched the movie and looked at cars and just... were us again. we laughed, we yelled, we sang, we hugged, we traded off leaning on each other through the day and night... and i really wished that i hadn't had to take her home.

have you ever really wanted to talk to someone, but you knew that everyone was sleeping already? yeah, i'm kinda like that right now.

still dealing with that weird feeling... i wish i knew what it was. it's sort of like.. right before you're getting on a roller coaster if you're scared of them. if not... right before you go down the largest hill on the whole thing. the whole chest tightening, tiny bit of sweat, internal freaking out, being on the verge of completely letting go once you start descending that hill, but right now you're just tense and nervous in waiting...

i just wish i knew what it was that i was waiting for.

+
Thursday, Jun. 02, 2005 - 11:57 pm
+ dare you to lift yourself up off the floor i have to leave in about an hour and forty five minutes to pick elsbe up from aaron's... and we talked about the time before i dropped her off. that makes me happy inside.

..see, it doesn't take all that much to make the landa happy sometimes.

there've been about sixty miles put on that car since the last death, and it's fine thus far. it got a teensy weensy bit warmer when i was driving back form aaron's a little bit ago, but that might've been from driving it so much and from using the air conditioning.

and tonight, i leave you with this:

"but i'm le tired."

+
Thursday, Jun. 02, 2005 - 2:14 am
+ can we please just stop the car i've told myself repeatedly that i wasn't gonna do it... that i would maintain my cool and just deal... but i completely came unglued earlier. and it wasn't so much that i was mad or angry, just more irritated and a bit hurt that it had gone on so long... and i'm hoping that it might be over now... though i know that there's gonna need to be an adjustment period. i just hope that it doesn't go right back to the way it's been... i'm not asking for a complete change of lifestyle, just a general idea of what's going on or what might go on...

so. on to what happened.

i wrote of elsbe's car yesterday. today i took it out for a twenty mile drive, and it was perfect. i asked elsbe about it after telling her how it had handled... she wanted me to go pick her up in my truck again. so, i did. i understand her paranoia about that car... and we've planned to drive it around on saturday to make sureit's okay. thinking i'll be driving as i know how to get home from anywhere around here in general, and it's easier than relaying it to her as i'm not always sure until i've made the turn needed.

we met lyssa at school, elsbe gave her papers she needed for the apartment, and i paid off my summer psychology class and picked up the book. then came going to get aaron... and to be honest, i felt my happiness melt away before even getting onto i-70 to get around to wherever we were gonna end up going at the time. already he had said some comment or another that was starting to drive me nuts... and for some reason, it's easier for him to do that than anyone else i know. again, only when it's both of them together... mainly because elsbe laughs as well.

we went to the mall. i bought an inuyasha bag... and would have a picture linked here, butit's so new it's not online yet. perfect size for my laptop. took it back within twenty minutes because i remembered that i wanted to buy something for elsbe in something of a "make elsbe feel better/happy" fund. there was much protest from elsbe and aaron to this, mainly elsbe... who hung on my arm a few times and jumped up behind me when i'd start walking away faster.

ended up going out for pizza street... ate my meal alone because it was uncomfortable for me to sit in the booth that she'd wanted to sit at, and they already had food when i sat down with them. so, i went to a table alone, ending up over there to talk to them afterward as i was done eating rather quickly. it was then requested that i take them back to her house. so, i did. then i went right back out to approximately where we were before to the music store out there... and it made me kinda glad i hadn't gone with them, because i couldn't find the cd i wanted to get her. of course, i ended up back at the mall buying that bag after telling her what i was going to use the money for... and that i couldn't because the cd i'd been searching for wasn't there, and was almost if not more than twenty dollars anywhere else.

i was home before eight. by midnight, i had called her cell phone a few times, trying to find out when i should be there to take aaron home... as her curfew has been moved to two, and i had committed msyelf to doing it. problem being, i was tired and cranky as well... and her not answering her phone so often just kinda set me off inside. it wasn't anger, more frusteration. kristen came by tonight and asked me if i wanted to go to her house for some movies... and i had to tell her no because i didn't know when i would be needed.

...

so at midnight, i leave to go to her house, and call her on the way. she finally answers, and i tell her that i'm actually almost to her house... and she gets upset, so i end up turning around while explaining everything to her.

..i can't keep putting my life on hold like this. if nothing, i need a round about time as to when she'll need me to come back to her whenever i'm her ride. i can't just wait for her all of the time, and it's hard, yanno? i miss some opportunities sometimes, most recently going over to kristen's to see one or two of her pre-release rentals from work. and then i'd wanted to get some sleep... and i honestly didn't know how tired she was, so it was entirely possible that i would have needed to be there before two to take him back home... but it wasn't a definite thing. in the end, her mom needed gas in the van anyway, so she ended up taking him home. and i went to hy-vee for some ice cream, and mcdonald's for dinner. because i wanted to binge so badly... but now i'm so tired that the ice cream's sitting in my freezer, and my dvd player is sitting untouched.

i told her all of this, and it seemed like she understood it... though at this point, i'm not entirely sure... i mean, i know she understands, but i don't know that anything can or will be done about it. and for now... that's fine. i think i just needed to get that off of my chest and let her know what was going on, if nothing more. i'm aware that it was possibly inconsiderate of me to do so while she was still with aaron, but i didn't kno what else to do when in the moment. things just started coming out of my mouth that i couldn't really take back because i meant every word of it... at least at that very moment. and i wish that it hadn't happened like that, but there wasn't any alternative in my mind.

..has anyone else had those kind of moments? i mean, you're not angry, you're just... frusterated to the point of being fed up with a repeated behaviour that you can't control as you're not the one behaving in that manner.

..i need to go to bed. goodnight everyone.

+
Wednesday, Jun. 01, 2005 - 2:28 am
+ what will fill this emptiness yes, i realize that my entry count is off. i'm fixing that in the morning. too much effort right now.

so... this describes today better than i can in entry form right now. so deal with it. the person i'm talking to only talks once in this explaination anyway.

there's a hole within my soul says:
so. today her car broke down yet again and it may or may not be fixed, it was raining too much for it to be tested,
there's a hole within my soul says:
afterward, we went to look at the apartment she's been planning to move into with a couple of friends (well one friend and a friend of a friend..). had to get applications in today, as well as fees.
there's a hole within my soul says:
and... because of the unreliable car and her lack of pay from work (not enough time to work enough during the school year), she can't really move out.
there's a hole within my soul says:
and her mom didn't tell her until after paying and such that she'll move her curfew to 2:00 am... she had to call alyssa and back out...
there's a hole within my soul says:
and she couldn't see aaron, he didn't call after work fast enough, so she was upset about that too...
there's a hole within my soul says:
went in my room and went to sleep... and i had to get her up to help move dad's 56 chevy bel air out of the garage, as it doesn't run and the tires are flat and the brakes were stuck.
there's a hole within my soul says:
she took care of the handbreak when needed... then held the flashlight while he and i moved other stuff... 'cause he's getting new garage doors in the morning.
there's a hole within my soul says:
then she asked me to take her home... i said i wanted to be there for her and she yelled at me to stay away emotionally for a few days... and then we continued talking and i'm gonna be here, but i'm not gonna take all the things she says to me at face value because i know she's so beyond pissed...
Daniag says:
dang
there's a hole within my soul says:
yeah.
there's a hole within my soul says:
worst day ever right now.
there's a hole within my soul says:
everything she wanted so much is just beyond her reach... and i wish i could pull it down for her to grab on to.
there's a hole within my soul says:
but i know i can't and that no one else can either.

+
Tuesday, May 31, 2005 - 3:55 am
+ where in the world have you been hiding
this is seemingly completely random and not related to anything in the least, but i wanted to ask someone somewhere before passing the hell out from the insane amount of tired that i'm feeling right now.

has anyone else ever noticed that oreos taste extremely good after smirnoff? the fruit flavoured smirnoffs, actually. i just had my go at some while at elsbe's, and then came home for some oreos and... it was actually quite divine.

sorry, had to ask someone before crashing from lack of sleep.

...

i'm impressed that i'm typing this well.

+

+ why does distance make us wise +