Saturday, Jun. 18, 2005 - 8:09 pm now sherri says she's jealous oh, i shouldn't care or wonder where and how you are now i'm writing you this letter oh, i shouldn't care or wonder where and how you are i'm fighting back emotions that i've never fought before
+ so i picked up elsbe from work, we got lunch at wendy's (i paid this time), and then went to her house to eat lunch and possibly swim. while there, we fight over whether or not one of us can do a test strip in the pool to check the balance of crap 'cause i haven't done it or seen it done before, and her aunt's going off on us about not having the money to do it more than once a day, when actually it's only supposed to be done once a week. the container had like 328490765890234 strips in it, so it wasn't a problem... but it was. and apparantly elsbe's only been "disrespectful" since she's been hanging out with me. ... so. i got set off, i left my very large drink -which i'm missing right now- and i left. quickly. faster than the truck should probably go. because i knew she fucking meant it. and i made my own conclusion that i won't go there anymore, because of stupid, pety shit like that. i'll continue to hang out with her, go places and such.. but i'm not gonna fucking go there, because i get a feeling i was never welcome there in the first place... especially since her mom went off on me last summer. i only got back in on pitty anyway 'cause mom died... now i need to gather up heinzi's controller and grand theft auto game and bring them back... i won't be using anything of his anymore, nor will i be using anything form that house that isn't elsbe's, because it'll have the potential of getting me in trouble. ..all of this? that's why i'm the weird quiet one there who never asks for food and never really asks for much of anything... who doesn't want help from anyone while she's there... because i know that it'll all come back in my face eventually. i know someone in that house will end up going off on me. hell, last summer, heinzi ewas even pissed at me for a while, even if it was only a few days. i see no reason to continue putting myself thorugh all of this... aside from loving her. and even then, i can't deal with all the bullshit that comes from being there... she knows i love her and will do anything for her, but i'm not doing that anymore.
+ so. i thought that i might give you something of a self-esteem boost or something... as you appear to be looking for any that you can get recently. i love you sweetie... hope everything settles down with everything and everyone soon. Daniag says: lol I have no real talent Daniag says: but once in a while I can sing someone to sleep Daniag says: maybe cos it's easier to sleep than listen to me sing there's a hole within my soul says: i envy elsbe's future children... there's a hole within my soul says: they'll have that voice to sing them to sleep whenever they need her to. there's a hole within my soul says: she does for me whenever i'm scared or lonely and we happen to be on the phone... or she happens to (once in a blue moon) be staying over here with me. Daniag says: brb nature calling there's a hole within my soul says: it's just always made me feel... safe, yanno? like someone actually cares, even if it's your best friend/sister type thing. (as she's always done that) there's a hole within my soul says: ::nods:: there's a hole within my soul says: though she doesn't want to admit it at all, that's one thing that will never lose my interest or grow old for me. she's always improving and she always sounds wonderful... even when she's having an off day, she can sound beautiful in whatever key she ends up in. and i wish i were half as good as she is, because i'm slowly losing it from being out of practice, aside from radio singing. there's a hole within my soul says:
she's always gonna captivate me once she opens that mouth and lets those notes run free.
+ and now, landa, version three.o comes out (no pun intended!). the newest features: - never-ending tears be sure to go out and get yours today, because... well, we know they'll last forever, 'cause we don't really think that anyone will want to even buy one... dammit, we have a surplus of these things... PLEASE come buy one!! WE'LL even pay YOU to take one, for a limited time!!!
+ it's really hard to say which is "better," because both ways can be somewhat painful in the grand scheme of things. on one hand, to never love, you may never really even know what it truly is. however in the way that this world works, you're likely to see, read, or hear about it on a daily basis from someone or something. in my case, i watched it over and over again in my friends and family members through the years, and i wondered what it was like, wished to know it for myself at least once. my parents were together from childhood, married for almost twenty four years, until my mom passed away... and my dad really doesn't seem one to remarry. and to be honest, i wish that i could find a love like that at some point in my life, though i know it's probably not very likely. and then in "the end," -however that end may occur whether it be the end of a life or merely a breakup/divorce/walk-away, etc- there will always be the memories that you had with that person to keep you company for years to come. on the other hand, if one can somehow manage to not hear about love in the least, it might be better for them. any pain or anguish that may have come from said relationship or love in general -granted that it could indeed be a love unrequitted- can be saved and avoided, never to have to be felt. many may believe that they're happy the way that they are now in doing everything that they're already doing, and feel taht they don't need anyone there to share it with them... that they're perfectly fine on their own. and honestly, i can understand how one may believe they can never love, or that they're not right for love... as i've felt that i was never made to be loved many times in the past, and generally tend to live in that feeling... ..but that's after having the greatest love of my relatively short life put aside for someone else's... because it was, indeed, unrequitted in most senses of the word, though this woman is the best friend that i could ever ask for nonetheless, and there are worlds of memories there for me to hold on to, as well as a lifetime more to create. [side note] i love a good run-on sentance every once in a while. don't you? [/side note] i wish that i could make that anti-paragraph as long as the pro-paragraph, but i'm not quite sure how i can continue elaborating on it. i guess that means that i'd prefer to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, even if that means living my life with the pain of losing that person in some way or another... or having her right in front of my eyes on a daily basis and learning how to overcome it.
+
+ why does distance make us wise +
+ i'm not supposed to love you... anymore we agreed that it was over
now the lines have all been drawn
the vows we made began to fade
and now they're gone
put your pictures in a shoebox
and my gold ring in a drawer
i'm not supposed to love you anymore
of this freedom that i've found
if she were me she would be
out on the town
and she says she can't imagine
what on earth i'm waiting for
i'm not supposed to love you anymore
but i can't hide this hurt inside my broken heart
i'm fighting back emotions that i've never fought before
'cause i'm not supposed to love you anymore
and it's killing me tonight
that i agreed when you believed
it wasn't right
and i couldn't sleep up on the bed
so i'm down here on the floor
where i'm not supposed to love you anymore
and i can't hide this hurt inside be broken heart
i'm fighting back emotions that i've never fought before
'cause i'm not supposed to love you anymore
'cause i'm not supposed to love you...
anymore.
I'm Not Supposed to Love You Anymore // Bryan White
Saturday, Jun. 18, 2005 - 5:15 pm
+ i would do anything for love, but i won't do that i'm crying rather hardcore like right now. because i'm never going to elsbe's again aside to pick her up and drop her off and things... not going inside, not swimming, not going to bonfires... none of it. because it's not worth the bullshit that comes of it eventually. same time of year every time too, i've noticed.
Friday, Jun. 17, 2005 - 3:57 am
+ always be around
Thursday, Jun. 16, 2005 - 3:08 am
+ and i'll learn how to fly
- understanding like no other
- extreme clinginess (you better buy two so they can cling to each other)
- soft heart
- easily pained
- loves (almost) ALL kinds of music
- hopelessly devoted once you take her out of the box
- vulnerable to the words "i love you"
- best if paired with another female, doesn't do well alone
Tuesday, Jun. 14, 2005 - 9:55 pm
+ what is love? a web community that i'm a part of asked recently is it indeed better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all? and i took a day or two in order to think about it before asking. and this is my response:
