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Friday, Jun. 24, 2005 - 1:20 am
+ empty spaces fill my up with holes... i've tried to go on like i never knew you
i'm awake but my world is half asleep
i pray for this heart to be unbroken
but without you all i'm going to be is incomplete...

i've been alone for the majority of the last two days... and i've learned that i'm broken.

it used to be that i was totally fine with being by myself, that i could handle it with ease and not have to be co-dependent upon someone always being on the other end of the phone or on the other side of the interweb, always being there to pick up when i want to be with someone.

now? i can't really do that. i end up having to text someone or call someone ro chat with someone... see someone... and that doesn't happen nearly as often as i'd hoped it could. everyone's got jobs or boyfriends or in some cases girlfriends... or other friends who already made plans.

my time's been spent with movies and playstation two. and i've never been lonelier or more bored with them both. ever. or downloading music that i'd been meaning to get for a while. or... sleeping... as usually there are dreams there to comfort me, and lately there's been little to nothing that's actually memorable. that, in and of itself, is disconcerting. when one's dreams disappear, it's almost as if they may as well cease to live... because there appears little to nothing to live for. dreams are how we live what we can't yet have, what we hope to achieve... what we may only ever be able to dream in the first place...

voices tell me i should carry on
but i am swimming in an ocean all alone...

right now, when it appears that what i really need is to be alone to grow into what and who i am, to better know myself, to be able to stand on my own... i feel as though i need someone right now more than ever to hold and be held by, a hand to hold, a pair of eyes to gaze into... i feel as though i'm incomplete, in a way i've never really felt before. and to many, that may sound the cry of a desperate and lonely teenager... but in me, it feels as though something more. like a part of me is missing right now... as i've watched so many others fall in and out of love, i feel like i've totally missed it all together, even at the age of almost-nineteen.

my very best friend is rather deep into it right now. and at this point, i'm happy for her... but i'm so jealous. from the moment they met, i could see it being forever... at this point, only time will tell, but i can say that my vision hasn't changed, it's only become more and more clear for them. and i'm trying to learn how to deal with that... as well as the fact that i've never really liked her boyfriend to begin with. right now, it seems as though i need to get used to him being around for a rather long time... and it kills me, because it feels like i'm losing her. she only talks of him, tries harder to make more time for him while ending up having to cancel on the time for us for her mother or her boy or friends that she doesn't see nearly as often... and it's like i'm becoming one of those friends. and no matter how much i wish it weren't so, it's bound to happen. that's the cycle of things when a girl meets a boy. i've been through it with everyone at least once before... and i've learned to deal relatively quickly.

this time... i actually feel as though i'm missing out. i can see everything that's happened with them, everything that's happened with everyone... and i feel that something's missing. something that i can't fill in on my own, and something that a friend can't really fix.

my little cousin... hell, he's not little anymore, never has been too much younger than me... he's married now. and there's been subtle conversation about me in my family... when i'll find someone, when there'll be some sort of ceremony for me... even april's found someone that she'll likely be with forever. and i can't really say that it'll happen... ever, for that matter.
the only way to love others is to love your self.
elsbe told me that tonight... and as true as that is, i'm destined for a lifetime of solitude.

i wanna let you go...

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Wednesday, Jun. 22, 2005 - 11:41 pm
+ a million miles away from here stayed up until about right this morning with elsbe playing ddr. this being after both of us had caffiene to make it through. ended up napping in my room 'till about noon... was the most comfortable sleep i've had in a while, granted i've been waking up in pain in my back and such. she had me do meditation stuff... then popped my back, which i've needed for at least the past month or so. gawd i felt so much better after that... and i'm actually not sure if it was a combination of both, or if it was just my back, or what... but i felt worlds better and did a lot better on ddr for the last bit that i played. the only things that started hurting from that point were my ankles.

little to nothing happened all day. i just got back from sonic for a burger and tots craving... that's about it. three hours straight of kingdom hearts. that's really it.

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Tuesday, Jun. 21, 2005 - 2:49 am
+ here i go again on my own i got over it. meh. i've been having odd mood swings recently... maybe i'm having menopause at ninteneen! if only. it'd be great to get that done and over with, but too early right now. i think i'm dying.

i've been staying up nights playing kingdom hearts and farting around online. should have never brought a ps2 into this house, 'cause i'm permanantly attached from as soon as i get home at night 'till about five or six in the morning. i've been getting anywhere from three to six hours of sleep for the past couple weeks... i need to work on that. elsbe's got her car back, so that'll probably help that out a bit.

..i just realized that having that beastial monstrosity back in town, i'm gonna probably see her a lot less. especially 'cause her curfew's back at midnight again... wish her mom would back off on that and let her out 'till two again. it was great while it lasted.

though i try not to, i seem to come up with more and more reasons every day to dislike aaron... and they're not really things that i can really list off, there's just some little thing that ends up pissing me off and i can't get over it with him at all. i wish i could, because as elsbe said earlier, when i'm rude to him i'm inherently being rude to her... but i truly can't help it. and i don't know why, it just happens. to be perfectly honest, i try to just stay quiet around both of them these days, but there's a lot of things that he touches on that i have to comment on to feel... i don't know, something. better about having to hear it at all? and it can't really be explained. i can't even think of a reason for this one, aside from the fact that i had a general distaste for the boy before he and elsbe even met... i dunno.

dad's thinking of having lois overnight tomorrow... so i'm thinking i'm either gonna ask elsbe if she'll be willing and able to stay over, or just stay over there... 'cause i really don't wanna deal with the kid right now, especially with as moody as i've been lately. i dunno, i'll figure something out. whether it be hiding in my room with a friend and my computer, or hiding out at her house.

i need sleep... but i think i need a few levels of kingdom hearts first. i feel... weird. i fell asleep on elsbe's floor with everyone there, and woke up alone, in the dark, with a blanket over me whilst crying for unknown reasons... i think i had a dream involving mom. so right now, i'm feeling rather clingy and such... and i wish elsbe's mom would deal with the fact that i'm not gonna rape her daughter for it to have been okay for me to just go upstairs and crawl in bed with her. she'd just gone to bed, so i knew she was at least a little bit awake... at this point, i feel like i just need to -or want to- be held, and i know that's not gonna happen...

..maybe i can hope for a little bit of snuggleness tomorrow, though i'm doubting it severely for some reason or another.

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Monday, Jun. 20, 2005 - 9:57 am
+ i feel... elsbe was staying up all night 'cause her ddr file got erased on accident... and we were gonna go swimming at nine. as you can see, it's almost ten... and she's alseep. and i've been calling her cell phone since eight forty five, and she's been sleeping through it. i basically just took a nap for a couple of hours before getting dressed and going over there -late, even, since she hadn't answered her phone- to find that no one was outside yet or anything. this is after like five phone calls. so i turn around and go to walmart, buy some frappucinno for later, then try calling ehr back. her mom answers, sounds rather pissed... says that she's asleep, offers to wake her up... but i say no, because i know how little sleep she'd gotten by that point...

thus, that leaves me here crying because i'm too awake to go back to sleep and too sleepy to stay awake, i don't know when i'll need to be up, i have no clue about when we're getting her fucking car back today and her dad's not online, i have a four pack of frapps that i'm not gonna be drinking, and a heavy and broken heart, because she could have easily texted or called me to say taht she was going to sleep... but she didn't... so i still had to go through everything as though we were still gonna do everything that was said to do today. granted she probably didn't go to sleep 'till about seven thirty or eight (which burns me, as she knew i was getting up at eight thirty), she probably won't be up until late afternoon, and her curfew being only midnight again, we won't be able to get nearly the things done that we were originally going to get done.

...

i wanna go cry myself to sleep... maybe i'll actually be able to sleep if i do that...

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+ why does distance make us wise +