immortal.nocturne version six.o // your eyes

Thursday, Jun. 30, 2005 - 2:47 am
+ she's a beautiful disaster yanno, you would think that the combination of a black and mild and a coke would end up taksting horriffic... but it actually tastes pretty good, for what it is. there's a slight burn after the first sip of coke, but once you continue it's not that bad at all. i would recomment it to any of the smokers reading this who may happen to have a liking for either blakc and milds or coke.

...

as you all know, i only smoke on my own when i'm quite upset or agitated in some way. thus, i shall explain myself.

i had a major fight with one of the most important people in my life. a fight that seemed that it could end a rather long friendship if any one thing were to be said or taken in the wrong fashion... and right now, i know that there's a lot of changing that i need to do. not necessarily to everyone, but it might carry over a little bit. don't worry, i'm not going to be a completely different person or anything like that i just... need to learn how to control some things and how to deal with others... and how to express that i vaule this person and the time that i get with this person... without ending up being bitchy or push-offy. that's gonna be a challenge for me... but i'm willing to do it so that i don't end up single-handedly ending a mini-legacy. ..especially because i care so much...

elsbe'd probably yell at me if she knew that i was smoking, with all the shit i give her about it. ::shrugs:: it needed to be done... or i would have tried all night to find my way to some smirnoff.

yes, from what i can tell, things are indeed going well with rachel and i. that's one thing that i can actually report that's not crappy in any way. though i must admit, she's been pretty hard to reach today... though i'm sure she thought the same yesterday when she logged on and i was away. the trick of it all is gonna be to catch each other online or to email at times when we'll each get them relatively soon... or sooner than we have been. but hey, at least i can say that one of the relationships in my life is going pretty well right now, right?

i've been wearing a knit hat a lot lately. that, combined with my long sleeve or black t-shirts and baggy jeans apparantly confuse some people and make them think that i'm in some band... what they don't get, is i merely wish that i was in a band right now. i'd have something to pour all of this emotion into aside from trying to make the perfect diaryland layout...

..which, by the way, i'm working on. and maybe all you true blue firefox users will be able to see this one properly... as i recently found out how shitty this one looks there. i'm sorry for that.

i want to put these lyrics in here. and i don't know why... on the way home earlier, it felt like these fit for... something in my life... i'm not sure what. know that i'm changing it so that all of the "he"s are now "she":

she drowns in her dreams
and exquisite extreme i know
she's as damned as she seems
more heaven than a heart could hold
and if i tried to save her
my whole world could cave in
just ain't right
just ain't right

oh and i don't know
i don't know what she's after
but she's so beautiful
such a beautiful disaster
if i could hold on
through the tears and the laughter
would it be beautiful,
or just a beautiful disaster?

she's magic and myth
as strong as what i believe
a tragedy with
more damage than a soul should see
but do i try to change her
so hard not to blame her
hold me tight
hold me tight

oh and i don't know
i don't know what she's after
but she's so beautiful
she's such a beautiful disaster
if i could hold on
through the tears and the laughter
would it be beautiful,
or just a beautiful disaster?

i'm longing for love and the logical
but she's only happy hysterical
i'm waiting for some kind of miracle
waiting so long

she's soft to the touch
but frayed at the ends, she breaks
she's never enough,
but still she's more than i can take...

oh, and i don't know
i don't know what she's after
but she's so beautiful
such a beautiful disaster
if i could hold on
through the tears and the laughter
would it be beautiful,
or just a beautiful disaster?

she's beautiful,
she's so beautiful,
she's beautiful...
beautiful disaster // kelly clarkson

and with that, i go from being online to ps2. or at least i will as soon as mika heads off for bed.

[edit, 4:06 am] i lied. another friend got on to msn... haven't touched the ps2, and i think i'll be touching bed here in a bit... she's gotta get back to sleep sometime, and i actually feel quite horrible for keeping her up longer than she needed to be.

::sigh::

i think i figured out why i wanted the song here... i think it's... me...

+
Wednesday, Jun. 29, 2005 - 3:44 am
+ here i am, once again

*TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey*
Name:	landa
Birthday:	july 16
Birthplace:	kansas city, missouri
Current Location:	kansas city, kansas
Eye Color:	green, sometimes hazel
Hair Color:	chocolate cherry, thanks to feria.
Height:	5'7"
Right Handed or Left Handed:	right, though can go left for many things.
Your Heritage:	uhm... i'm a mutt. really.
The Shoes You Wore Today:	green camo flipflops.
Your Weakness:	love
Your Fears:	huge storms, spiders, being alone
Your Perfect Pizza:	the kind you eat, minus anchovies
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	having a girlfriend
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	lol, lmao, omfg, omg
Thoughts First Waking Up:	who texted me this time...
Your Best Physical Feature:	eyes. definitely.
Your Bedtime:	anytime. generally anywhere form midnight to six am.
Your Most Missed Memory:	junior year, any with my mom..
Pepsi or Coke:	coke
MacDonalds or Burger King:	depends... mcd's for double cheese burgers and bk for onion rings
Single or Group Dates:	single, though i wouldn't know. only been on one.
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	neither.
Chocolate or Vanilla:	chocolate chip vanilla!
Cappuccino or Coffee:	cappuccino
Do you Smoke:	i quit after only smoking for like a couple months.
Do you Swear:	hell yes, bitch.
Do you Sing:	all the time. i was a music major once, voice.
Do you Shower Daily:	bi-daily unless i get sweaty, to be honest. can't get away with it in the summer.
Have you Been in Love:	unrequitted.
Do you want to go to College:	i'm IN college.
Do you want to get Married:	i'm not sure. for the right woman, yes.
Do you belive in yourself:	sometimes, though not often.
Do you get Motion Sickness:	nope.
Do you think you are Attractive:	my eyes are, that's about it.
Are you a Health Freak:	i'm fat. what do you think? only thing that's helping that out is DDR.
Do you get along with your Parents:	most times i get along with daddy, yes.
Do you like Thunderstorms:	as long as it's not severe.
Do you play an Instrument:	i can plunk out things on a piano if given time.
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	::thinks:: not the past month, no.
In the past month have you Smoked:	no.
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	never.
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	nope. i wish..
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	yeah. always. well, at least bi-weekly.
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	accumulated over days, yes.
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	nope
In the past month have you been on Stage:	not since the last school concert, and i won't be going back unless elsbe and i form a band.
In the past month have you been Dumped:	haven't had anyone to dump me.
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	no, but i've watched someone do so.
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	buttons from spencer's.
Ever been Drunk:	yes. a few times.
Ever been called a Tease:	only a couple of times from the same girl.
Ever been Beaten up:	all the time when i was younger...
Ever Shoplifted:	i suppose that's a yes.
How do you want to Die:	not painfully. hopefully.
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	i'm not sure anymore... i still want to be in a band though.
What country would you most like to Visit:	england. or something.
*In a Boy/Girl..*
Favourite Eye Color:	blue or green, though i love a deep brown... i don't really have a fave, i just love eyes that tell me something.
Favourite Hair Color:	black or dark brown.
Short or Long Hair:	medium length.
Height:	not too much shorter than me and not, like, a foot taller.
Weight:	a bit chubby, if nothing. love havin' somethin' to hold on to.
Best Clothing Style:	whatever she's comfy in.
Number of Drugs I have taken:	none.
Number of CDs I own:	too many to count. just got five more today from BMG.
Number of Piercings:	none anymore.
Number of Tattoos:	none, though i want one.
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	too many...
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

+
Tuesday, Jun. 28, 2005 - 7:12 pm
+ i'm torn into pieces ..is it just me, or does bush say the exact same things in different ways every single time he speaks of iraq?

gawd, just let it go. it's not our place to force an entire country to do something that they're totally not used to... unless they want to. i'm not saying that i know what the people of iraq want or anything like that, but i'm sure that a lot of people are gettin' pissed at what we're doing there. and i'm almost positive that a lot of the "terrorists" are people who didn't want to have to change.

i understand that to us, democracy seems like the greatest thing in the world (not). but that same democracy was going after old ladies on airplanes because they had knitting needles and they're left to wonder why they can't finish knitting or crocheting whatever they were working on. and that same democracy can track everything that someone does online and go after them because they look up certain things or download other things... like, oh i don't know, music. they're going after smokers or someone who may be giving a gift of a zippo lighter to a smoker because lighters are horrible things to have on an airplane now. they prevent couples from getting married because they have the same physical structure, completely ignoring the fact that people can fall in love with whoever they want to and it not be unnatural -unless you're a christian republican. they take money away froms chool systems and college students and aids patients so they can continue blowin' shit up on the other side of the ocean, and then some... and then teach others from there to blow people and thigns up.

yeah, democracy's the greatest thing under the sun. at least, america's version of democracy.

::pfft:: puh-lease.

::listens to what he's saying:: like hell we won't be in iraq forever. just because we don't send more troops over, it doesn't mean that you're not planning on keeping this going on for years... which can be a forever to someone living over there. i think we should get out of there before anyone else from iraq dies, thinking that america will forever be in their country, that they will forever be a part of the united states... because one gool ol' southern boy says it should be that way while stealing money from his own country and from other needy countries (africa, look up what he had promised for aids and hiv patients on google).

+
Sunday, Jun. 26, 2005 - 5:38 pm
+ can't explain why your lovin' makes me weak i spoke with rachel a little bit ago. first online, then i actually spoke with her... something that hasn't happened in months. and i believe we both gave each other something to think about... and i've got some serious mulling to do in the next couple of days. hell, probably just today as i'll for sure have the day to myself.

i know the opinion that a few of you hold of her... and i care, but at this point, it doesn't matter. if i end up "making a mistake," i'd like to know that i did it on my own and that i didn't just leave an option behind because i was advised against it, left to wonder what could have ended up happening in the end. we've both been through a lot and changed or... evolved... as people. at this point, we're getting to know one another again, and i think i want that.

do you think that we can trust each other again?
yes, i think that there's a possibility. granted, it will take a little bit longer than it did before -which was almost immediate, mind you- but i honestly think that it's possible and could happen if things were to continue on as they are right now.

my question... is will the same things happen all over again? will there be something that leads you to someone else or even merely saying that you were with someone else? if that happens, will i go back to pining for what i can never have, epseically the way that things have changed here? i really don't think that i can go back to that pining, because it's over. likely for good, unless that twenty five year thing kicks in, which even then it likely won't happen... nor am i really holding my breath for to happen.
in your case, i can't really be certain right now. i would assume, since you contacted me, that you wouldn't do that again. and i believe that. i'm just... apprehensive? and at this point, i believe that you see that it's for good reason... especially as you're starting to see everything else, as evident by your letter to me. you saw what i had thought of as unfair and addressed it to me, and i'm very, very glad that you did. it makes sense now. thank you.

all in all, i think what we need is to get to know each other again. those conversations we used to have that were just downright fun to participate in, merely asking each other what we should do for dinner -because then, we each knew. and... i can honestly say that i'm looking forward to it, should it have a chance to happen.

+
Sunday, Jun. 26, 2005 - 1:32 pm
+ dream a dream to elsbe, but rather interesting for everyone else as well

i woke up and really wanted to tell you about this dream... then remembered that no matter what i do, i won't be able to get a hold of you unless i just blatantly go over there. though i am indeed wondering if you're okay, as it's one thirty and you're not up yet.

ok, so. i had a dream that there was, like, a choir trip or something. i don't know where we were, but we weren't in kansas. while there, i met someone from diaryland, a male. and i was at his apartment/house thing, and we were watchign tv, and i just start... kissing him. and for some reason or another, i remember cordelia and buffy being involved at some point... that he was turning bad, like angel? but they did something and he was back at his apartment, and i went there... and he was alright. thus i jumped upon him and said i've decided something while i've been here, and i want to get it done before i leave. i want you to take my man-virginity, as i'm probably never gonna sleep with a man again.

...

yeah, so of course at this time, he has to get ready for work, as i'm still attached to him and being all kissy. i said would it bother you if i were to get off on your bed... since there isn't time for anything more right now? and he's all i wish i had even five more minutes with you right now... no, it wouldn't bother me. and continued getting ready for work. then out of the blue, he's a woman... and says something like i may be a woman right now, but wait 'till tonight. he left, you showed up... as i'm kinda half nekkid... he'd been undressing me while getting ready, as he had to get undressed to get re-dressed for work. you're all like wow... and i'm just like nothing happened. get in here. so we hang out at his place, his mom and dad find you and me (i forgot to mention, his mom walked in on us), we talk... they don't care that there are two strangers in their house... for the record, he doesn't actually live with them...

then you and i are watching tv, and we see him there. as a woman. he's in some play or show or something, which i know he wouldn't actually do. and he's a woman the entire time. and i'm all like uuhhhhh... and i don't remember what you were doing or saying, but i know you were still there.

and then i woke up.

..interesting, eh?

+ why does distance make us wise +