Wednesday, Jul. 06, 2005 - 11:52 pm
+ will it be beautiful, or just a beautiful disaster elsbe's living here. permanently, for the time being -if that even makes sense. tomorrow we're dealing with the back room so we can convert it into her bedroom, like taking things out that i can use for a yard sale that i haven't used in over a year.

today was spent getting elsbe a cell phone, getting groceries, all that fun stuff... got her some more necessities last night. apparantly she and her mom are going to village inn to talk tomorrow evening, which should be interesting, to say the least.

there's just been a lot of... stuff... going on. i haven't actually had time to write because of all the bullshit that happened on the fourth. as of right now, we're still sharing my bed. i think we're checking out the salvation army for a futon bed or something tomorrow since we're getting up early enough to do so.

meh... things are just so stupid.

ali and i got to hang out for about two hours yesterday... though we were both quite tired. ended up not really speaking as we took apart my drum set together. though we started playing donkey konga and actually talking, just as elsbe's mom showed up with a load of her clothes... which are still actually laying about my living room 'cause there's no room yet.

i think i need a nap or something.

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Tuesday, Jul. 05, 2005 - 3:56 am
+ goodnight, sleep tight i just got through with two hours, fifty one minutes, and thirty one seconds on the phone with one of my new favourite people... whom i'm going out with tomorrow... and with whom i am now going out with in general...

today was shitty. elsbe got kicked out of her house (just got back here from aaron's as i started writing), the party had little to no people and was obviously here instead of her house -though i did have fun with the people there. ali didn't get to come 'cause her ride never showed up to bring her here. people had to go to work and go to do other things and all that... coming and going, and there was a lot of extra food and loads of pop... meh...

tonight.. made it a lot better. i loved talking to her, actually. it was really fun. stayed on the phone with her 'till she was going to bed.

elsbe's here talking to me about her night after i gave her mine... i should go. gotta sleep sometime too, heh.

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Sunday, Jul. 03, 2005 - 4:13 am
+ happy girl tonight turned out a lot better than today did... and yes, i say "tonight", because i haven't gone to bed yet. in fact, i just got home a few minutes ago, after about two hours and forty five minutes riding around with julie. gawd, i have so much fun when we can do stuff like that. i came up with three dollars for gas money, as her car is an evil satan car now, and we visited four counties: johnson, douglas, leavenworth, and (of course) wyandotte. went to basehor, eudora, desoto, and linwood, i believe it was. just driving around, talking, and looking out for deer like no other o_o;;. bright headlights are fun things... as are hilly country gravel roads, when you're with someone who knows how to drive on them without rolling or jumping.

i'd like to announce that airheads are gods/goddesses.

anyway.

prior to that, ali and i ended up on the phone for about an hour. and i actually had fun talking on the phone with someone again about whatever, including the crappy reception on her phone... i believe she's making a walmart run tomorrow, hehe. she may come to elsbe's forth of july party and bring a friend (as her mom's more lenient when she's with said friend), which could be fun! hehe. i'm kinda hoping that we may be able to catch each other before then, even if it's only for a few minutes... kind of a formal "introduction" before just going to elsbe's party and having awkward introductions to everyone there.

then i came home to my messages from while i was away on messenger... rachel said goodnight to me. i've missed that... moreso than i really want to admit. no matter what she may think, i did love her, and it did matter to me whenever she would do something like that before... and it does now. and i do love her, though right now as a friend... working up to things again after having time away is generally good.

by the way... meh. i don't know. i... think that i can be okay with both of them. i mean, to be honest, rachel's not within reach. and as she's constantly got someone near her who admires her... i think i know why she was with other people now. it suddenly makes sense. part of me says to choose one or the other, but another part entirely says something like "well they can't both be permanent or whatever," but that sounds so cold when i think about it. i've never been one to even really like more than one person at a time, let alone at least halfway persue. and i haven't even really persued anyone... they've persued me. i've no clue in the least what ot do about any of this. i'm nineteen, and it's just now that anyone's really taken an interest in me. it's... confusing. all of those things that i was supposed to be feeling from about fourteen to now are happening and i'm just a little bit lost...

gawd i wish i could tell mom about all of this.

i thought i would mention... just for my own record and sanity. ali's got a lot of similarities to elsbe... enough to the point where i was all like "whoa" for a while. both are half mexican and half german, both went to catholic school until nineth grade, then went public, both have very catholic mothers, and both (until recently) have/had no contact with their fathers. ali may very well be elsbe's mini me. it's almost creepy... but it's not really, because i said so.

and now, off to bed, as last i heard, she's calling me around noon. if i go now and pass out in the next half hour, that's almost seven hours of sleep. that's saying that elsbe doesn't call and wake me up sooner, which she may very well do since she got a little bit of extra sleep from what i hear. meh. oh well.

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Saturday, Jul. 02, 2005 - 8:45 pm
+ i believe it's time for me to fly yeah, so. rachel signed on, and then ali did... as i was telling rachel about her. it was a really weird feeling... kinda made my stomach turn over. but, i don't think it was in a bad way... for either of them. i haven't really ever had two people at least somewhat interested in me at the same time... especially one being in town and one out of town...

i asked rachel about it. basically, until there comes a day when she can actually touch me, it's fine. i... think i'm alright with that... which is weird for me to say, because i'd always been the one to say that would be wrong. though i suppose i can't really talk due to the past... but i'm gonna feel bad for... um... feeling bad... when rachel was with someone else before, if this is the case. but, to be honest, it makes sense.

and i'm babbling like a preteen. a preteen boy, no less.

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Saturday, Jul. 02, 2005 - 11:04 am
+ that's what takes me higher i truly meant to post this in here last night, but i didn't get to. meh. ended up passing out, eventually.

in the lc last night, they asked for a list of things that you love. from what i can tell this morning, mine is still the longest and most detailed... and i thought that i would post them here.

0. my pseudo sister/b-f-f-l
1. evanescence
2. music in general
3. manga/anime
4. ps2/gamecube
5. women of substance
6. what few friends i have who can do things other than work and sleep.
7. slight thunderstorms, where the rain isn't too severe and the thunder isn't too loud yet... the lightning doesn't engulf the entire sky yet.
8. a calm, cool rain on my skin in the summer.
9. the feeling of falling in love and all that comes with it.
10. having someone in my arms and close to me.
11. a kitten (well now she's a cat..) gently purring as she falls asleep on my tummy/chestbr>12. waking up to feeling someone put their arms around me and kissing my cheek good morning (very rare... not for quite a few months, and even then it was a friend).
13. late nights and feeling that it's all my own.
14. lovey emails.
15. lovey handwritten letters.
16. watching my two "children" wrestle and bite each other's ears, and tag teaming everyone... and knowing that they're still sweet enough to be cuddle buddies when they can sense that i'm feeling down (storm and sango, cats, two and one years of age respectively).
17. the feeling that i get when i'm on a stage and i can force myself to sing... once i'm into it, the energy that comes back at me from everyone else in the room and fills me up to the point where i don't feel like running offstage crying and hyperventillating (again rare, i dropped my voice major).
18. getting to know someone that you feel will turn out to be a major part of your life in one way or another... and then finding out that you're right.
19. taking my b-f-f-l to and from work, even though she now has a working car... just because.
20. realizing that i've got a lot more to be happy about than i've noticed recently.

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+ why does distance make us wise +