Thursday, Aug. 04, 2005 - 3:41 pm
+ i will not be drowned by your thoughtless scheming it's been a couple of days. to be honest, there hasn't really been much to say.

operation desert rat was a failure, and as a result, the hamster was taken back today, along with everything that could go back with it (i.e. all but the cage shavings, the chew toys, and the food), leaving me with the money to give back to aaron and little to nothing to give back to kristen.

::sigh::

i got my school supplies and such, aside from the textbook for my computer class and anything that i need especially for each individual class... which i won't find out about until after i'm in school. got a package of fifty cds as well, and i'm working on a ten cd set for one of my friends.

..yes, ten cds. because i made a playlist of everything that i've been listening to recently, everything that i would want someone to hear if i don't know whether or not they've heard it before... the essentials came up to 184. before that, it had been over 200, and i had to add more to the final count to get a full ten cds. took forever to get the damn thing in order.. and split up into ten playlists. meh...

i hate itunes, for future reference. you need an ipod to be able to really use that program correctly.

i'd like to announce that sonic's fresh fruit slushes are great, and that the laramie project is quite educational. and i'm going to go to enjoy both of these now.

..well, not necessarily "enjoy" the movie. i mean... gyah, that's gonna sound wrong however i say it.

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Monday, Aug. 01, 2005 - 7:09 am
+ i don't want to be the exception to get a bit of your attention i hope her birthday ended up indeed being better than she thought...

after aaron was dropped off at home, we went in her room to watch my big fat greek wedding. and part way through, i started crying. and i stayed that way for about twenty minutes, part of which i left and went in my room because i thought she was asleep, only to be told to go back in there via text message. went back, cried some more, and then ended up falling asleep with her for a while.

i feel as though my existance is pathetic right now. i'm waiting around online and with my phone near me for someone who i love... who i'm not sure will be calling me. my time's spent either online doing little to nothing, playing some ps2 game for a while, waiting around for elsbe to have some time to hang out, taking her to and from work and anywhere else... sleeping... sometimes reading. that's about it. there's occasional bouts of more, but not often.

i want something more, aside from the school i'll be starting up again on the fifteenth (entirely too soon). i want to know the kind of love that is portrayed in that movie, that caused elsbe to forgive aaron so easily last night. but for some reason... i don't know that i see it happening... not from both parties. i tend to be the one who gets that way, while the other -who may or may not know how i feel to begin with- is entirely different.

there's a woman that i love. she's been dodgy again... and i'm not sure if things are heating up where she is, or if i'm being ignored, or what. and i miss her... and i don't know what i should or shouldn't feel for her right now. i fell for her... and i feel differently for her than i have for anyone else, ever. last i heard, as long as there's states between us, there can't really be anything more than there is now. this leaves me sitting here wishing for so much more, feeling that something could work, while i write emails and make phone calls and wait, hoping for a response... that hasn't come since around my birthday. and like i said... i have no idea what i should expect or what i should feel at this point, but i know that i feel love and lots of it... confusion... more than a little bit of hurt... little bit of frusteration... but love above all else. i wish i knew what to think though...

more often than not, i'm lonely recently. clingily lonely. and right now, i don't know who i can cling to locally aside from elsbe... when aaron isn't here and she's in a good mood/the right mood for being snuggly. thus, i'm here looking for people to talk to online. everyone's got lives now... even mika (no offence there, hun), which leaves me alone a lot whether i like it or not. and though i sound like i'm whining, i don't care -it's my journal, i can say what i want, and right now, i need to vent this.

a local guy hit me up on aim from lj, had commented on my bsb ticket plea. we've been taling since about five thirty this morning i believe... and has me listening to stephanie miller right now. wish we could get things that weren't right wing here in kansas, 'cause this is awesome. google her, you'll find her, and listen to the archives.
..it's been a while since someone random started talking on aim. i think i like it. just fun conversation that isn't someone trying to hook up for some reason or another like they used to do on yahoo. just hadn't really met anyone in a while. this is fun.

and now comes the time that i forrage through the kitchen.

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Sunday, Jul. 31, 2005 - 6:43 am
+ happy happy birthday yanno guys? it pays to be really close friends with me around and especially on your birthday. 'cause you get as many presents as i can possibly buy for at least two weeks up to it, then a meal or two and more presents and flowers and a cake and such on your birthday.

...

yes, it's six forty five in the morning, and i haven't been to sleep yet. and i even drank last night!

elsbe's birthday's today. basically, i came up with a lot of last minute things i could do for her, aside from the cake that she requested last night. i went to walmart with that in mind, and actually left with just that... though that's when the ideas came, since i seemed too empty handed for this to be the day of her birthday, and not the day that we were using as her birthday (tuesday night, when i make dinner and when operation desert rat comes together, all while she's at work). thus, i came home for about an hour or two, got her cake in the kitchen and what-not (and i will admit i got over the hill candles... purely because they're black and she likes that), then left again... at six in the morning. first stop, breakfast.

so i pull into the mcdonald's parking lot, where you're only supposed to be able to go drive-thru before seven in the morning. because they had their semi truck there unloading food stuffs and blocking the drive-thru lane, i got to go inside and make sure that they got the order correct this time. then there was a trip to the neighboring gas station, where i was told that they didn't sell flowers anymore.
..what self respecting gas station doesn't sell flowers??
thus, a trip to hy-vee was in order. got two roses and a boquet of purple and white carnations. with the spending limit i had, i did pretty good. luckily i already had a vase for it all, so i got that taken care of all in one swoop. (though sango is on a quest to eat them... dammit. i can't go to sleep 'till elsbe has them... or can i... hm...) and on the way home, i pulled over a couple of times and got a couple of pictures of elsbe's birthday sunrise for her with my camera phone. plan on sending those to her when she texts me awake (now that i have a plan to sleep, muahaha), as well as bringing her breakfast in to her... though it might be cold by then. it's the thought that counts anyway, right? mine'll be cold too by then, so it's not like i'm gonna have one up on 'er anyway, hehe.

and thus, i go on with my plan to make it so that i can get some sleep... gonna try and get these in her room without her waking up, someplace where she'll see them when she wakes up and gets her glasses on. heheheeeeee.

..really, you should be around here for your birthday sometime. i get really sweet =).

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Friday, Jul. 29, 2005 - 4:48 am
+ dream lover, come rescue me asked to write a paragraph about my perfect lover on lesbian connection's message boards:

know that i write long-winded paragraphs. wo0t.

loving and compassionate -something that i think almost everyone wishes for. someone who can be one to depend upon, and who will have my back. must at least somewhat like cats, as i will always have at least two (one to keep the other company when i'm not around). and another must is to be at least a little bit passionate about music or some form of art... and at least be open to musicality. no matter what, that will always be a part of my life. one who won't try to change who i am because i'm not perfect or good enough. the type of person that i can snuggle up with at night without having to do more than lay together cuddling or snuggling to be satisfied with one another -not saying that more isn't fun ::grins::, but i've seen too many get spoiled to having more and be unable to just... be, while together. it'd be nice to have someone who can actually understand me at least half of the time. a light in her eyes, showing that there's signs of life in there, even when idly looking around a room. someone who's trusting, who won't go on and tell absolutely everyone every little detail of us, but who also won't keep things in to an unhealthy extreme when she can't actually outright tell me about it -i've done it more than once, and it's not pretty. a soft touch with a gentle hand, who can stand her ground whenever she needs to. affectionate, of course, as i've noticed recently that i've been pretty clingy to those close to me whenever i can. someone who understands why it's a big deal for someone to come in the room and stand in front of your video game that doesn't have a pause feature, or who won't go off when you can't find a save point immediately. and a kiss that makes me go weak in the knees...

..and, this may sound kinda dumb and somewhat pathetic, but someone who loves me the way that my sango baby does (my one year old kitten that has been in my house for nine and a half to ten months of her life): no matter how badly we may treat each other at one point, pretty soon we're together again, watching a movie (or in her case, watching the computer screen) and being affectionate... and loving each other deeply, truly, and unconditionally.

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Friday, Jul. 29, 2005 - 4:15 am
+ carry on, carry on email that i just wrote that actually pretty well describes the past couple of days. (keep in mind, that to me, it's still thursday night. haven't been asleep yet.)

yeah, i was laying in bed thinking when you texted me. and as i sign on, i see your name signing off. wanker =).

yesterday, i went to the zoo with autumn. condensed version: great fun 'till my knee started crapping out, but seeing the white tiger (silver) made it all the better. walked the entirety of the africa section (as big or bigger than the rest of the zoo combined), nearly threw my cookies on the bridge that is to have nothing but a natural sway to it, but was naturally SWINGING with the amount of people that were on it midway... gawd my equilibrium will never be the same... and i think i got a pretty good picture of a leopard dozing above my head in the cage/netting thing above a walkway. here's hoping that shot comes out alright. and then there's the gorilla that went postal and ran at the window from about 50-100 yards, pounding repeatedly on the glass at some baby in a carrige. silver was beautiful, though looked a little bit unhappy and thin. i'm not sure she likes kansas city. she prowled around the smaller side of the cage the majority of the time we were there.

today was the bringing elsbe's car to holden again. and the bastard didn't act up with me at all. there was one sputter which i think is because i had to slow down quickly for a turn that i thought was farther off.when i was doing sixty five. i'm impressed that elsbe was able to make the turn in my truck without rear-ending me, the way that thing handles fast turns. that, and my legs had me still pretty wiped outedly tired from yesterday... my knee crapped out while we were walking around yesterday, causing more of a struggle to walk, causing more windedness and... you know the story. stupid bike wreck from forever ago... i thought i'd be fine 'cause i was in shoes instead of my normal sandals, but whatever. it was compounded by driving for two hours today (more than that, as i needed to get away when we got back, but that comes later).

on the way back, i made awkward silence. i did that a total of twice today, and i don't think that i'm proud of myself in the least. on both occasions, i think that aaron was pretending that he wasn't there or something... and i feel bad... but i honestly felt that i needed to say everything that was said. i'm not getting into it, as it really wasn't actually anything bad, it was just awkward for all involved, especially because it was him, me, and elsbe. basically, i think i'm planning of not beginning or taking part in major conversations with the two of them anymore. i'm the driver, that's all. every now and then i'll check in when they're in her room for an extended amount of time, generally with elsbe, and that'll be it.

found out tonight that aaron's staying the night tomorrow night for elsbe's birthday, instead of the camping... murr... not sure how that's gonna work. i'm sleeping in my room come hell or high water, but i think that'll have to come after they're gone for elsbe's company picnic saturday. then at seven saturday night is amanda's party, which will involve alkeehall... i think i'll have to bring mine back here with me as i'm going to have to be the one to drive everyone home that night (i.e. aaron back home and me and elsbe back here safely). granted i was president of students for driving sober, i think it's just that i save mine for later in the evening. hopefully amanda will understand... she bought enough for everyone, including me, so it's possible.

since it's no longer a secret anyway... i'd been planning on cooking dinner for elsbe for her birthday on sunday night. any other gifts, i've given her within the past couple of weeks for the most part, one of which remains still un-made because i haven't got the tools for it on hand yet. apparantly, her mom had the same idea. thus, her mom said that i can "have lunch" and she can "have dinner". pisses me off. which means that mine's going to be put off at least until monday... because i figure cooking alone, i'll need a large part of the day to myself to make it. might go on and wait 'till she's at work on tuesday to go ahead and do it then, as she generally works at least a six hour shift. with driving time, that gives me five hours. though i'm not sure, i don't remember *when* she works, which compounds things even greater... a mid-shift would be best, but i think it's a night one... dammit. it'd be an eleven o'clock dinner, and this very muchly isn't intended to be. i'll figure something out, whip something else up for her for her actual birthday while she's at work tomorrow, after the bookstore.

and i'd actually better go... it's a bit after four and i need to be up at nine forty five. gotta get her to work, then daddy and i are going to go get my books for this semester, apparantly. i'm not sure whether you work in the afternoon or evening, or if you even work at all tomorrow (erm.. today, as it is indeed four), but i think i'll be around for a bit before i get elsbe from work, and then a lot of the night after that. i need to sleep while she's at work so i can stay up while the wanker's here. i'll need to be bringing the ps2 back out here for some gaming while this is going on... meh. the ps2 AND the gamecube, actually. thinking i may need to make a blockbuster run for some other games to entertain myself. good thing aaron lent me katamari damacy a bit ago.. though i'm not sure when he wants that back at this point. i should find out... looking like it'd have ot be through elsbe at this point.

..i try to get along with him. really, i do. then one of the two of us says something stupid, and it makes it all but impossible for me to do so.

...

yeah, i have to go. getting cold, which is making me tired-er. and locking up my left elbow again, which i just got over from three or four nights ago. g'night... though i'm sure that won't be the case by the time you get this.

-landa

and with that, goodnight everyone. i hope your dreams are sweet, and that your day is sweeter.

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+ why does distance make us wise +