Thursday, Aug. 11, 2005 - 2:57 am
+ i wanna sleep on the hard groud in the comfort of your arms there needs to be an evolution in the landa and her ways of thinking, her ways of emoting, her ways of communicating. i can't figure out for the life of me how to make it actually happen...
i keep thinking that i'm doing better. in my mind, i'm doing all the right things, saying everything the right way -without an attitude- and i'm not being a brat. apparantly outwardly, this is totally not the case at this point.
she's right. i probably couldn't survive a day in her shoes. that's what makes her so much stronger than me, because she can take it. i would have given in a long time ago, but she doesn't. she keeps on going, pretending to be happy so everyone will leave her alone. and i wish i could do that as well as her.
i'm trying. i'm watching the ways that she and everyone else goes about stress and aggression and pretending everything's okay and everything else... and trying to adapt things for myself. it's a slow and grueling process, but i'm at least attempting it thus far. and sometime, i'll get it all right.
i'd like to think that i can be pretty grown up... i just choose not to be. i had to be -or act like i was- for so long, i just got tired of it. i was more depressed then than i am now. though i will admit, having a job would probably be good for me... i'm applying for night positions anywhere that offers them at this point, and hoping for the best. i'm not at the point of ups yet and i'm hoping that i don't get there... but who knows, yanno?
and she's right. she can write whatever she wants in her own journal. and i can react. in the spur of the moment, i'll say that i don't agree with her decision to wirte it there... but i fully back up her ability to do so because it is indeed *hers*. there's nothing that anyone can say or do to change that.
i have immediate reactions. thus, i leave the situation for a minute or two -often times more, but it only takes that- until i can come back and be alright with things. apparantly that's viewed as childish... but that's the way that i've gotta function. i don't like yelling, i don't like being around yelling, and i dislike confrontation. thus, i go off to deal with it and get myself managable... if nothing more, for discussion rather than fighting, and then come back when i think i'm ready.
um... i think that's most of what was covered a bit ago. i don't really get pissed anymore... more irritated and frusterated combined, then i go away for a few and come back in talk mode. thus, i'm not mad or anything right now. just... rationalizing what i need to do. and at this point i'm still not sure, but at least i have a vague idea now.
+
Wednesday, Aug. 10, 2005 - 10:53 am
+ a free ride when you've already paid so totally just made the fastest layout i've ever made... three and a half, going on four hours later, we have this.
...
probably not gonna stay like this for long, as this song is a phase, but still. at least it's a nice little lesbian break from the series of inuyasha i've been doing for the past year and a half?
..i'm so lazy. i so ripped off my previous layout with a different top image and different colours.
i'm so cool.
+ [whisper] mama, papa forgive me [/whisper] out of sight, out of mind can we fly? do we stay? thirty minutes, the blink of an eye carousels in the sky can we fly? do i stay? thirty minutes, the blink of an eye to decide, to decide, to decide, to decide to decide
+ i dread the time of day that i take elsbe to work, or later on -if she doesn't work... or even if she does, now- when aaron comes over. because i know that i'm gonna have to be on my own either playing around online, playing ps2, or sleeping. and lately, it's been mostly sleeping. i can't keep doing this. there's got to be someone around here to hang out with on a semi-regular basis... rachel got back online. i've missed her... haven't quite known what to expect upon her return, and at this point i'm still not positive 'cause she didn't come back online that night. still haven't seen her around. catching up for a while... then seeing about what happens, i suppose. i'm not sure. ... my life is turning to shit. it's already got a plan to it... on top of starting school again in less than a week. i get up (if i sleep), hang out with elsbe as much as i can, take her to work or wait for aaron to show up, play games online or talk to people who may or may not be around... or sleep while i can, wait for aaron to bring her home and/or eventually leave, hope that elsbe's still awake to talk for a while, stay up 'till who knows when and then get up with her in the morning. i broke down crying earlier, because i feel like i'm gonna be alone for... ever, actually. elsbe told me that i'm only nineteen years old, that i've got a lifetime to meet someone... dad and mom got married just out of high school, and she's twenty and with who she's probably gonna be with for a *really* long time, if not forever. ... my mind's goin' to shit out of nowhere. i can't keep writing about this right now... i think i'm gonna go to bed, as per usual, since elsbe's at work now... and since i don't need to wake up to pick her up, now that aaron can always bring her home...
gyah. i hate talking myself into holes on accident.
+ no, i don't want to talk about it. yes, i'll be okay. no, i'm not gonna do anything stupid. yes, i'm having another low. this is why updates have been somewhat sporadic. and this is why i haven't really been talking much on instant messengers or via phone... or even in person. and why cheeseburger in paradise wasn't as fun as it should have been on thursday... though i'm hoping that by this thursday i'll be alright, especially as elsbe and i have vowed to sing. i lied. i do want to talk about it... just not here. not yet. i want to talk to a particular person that's been hard to get a hold of as of late... and she probably doesn't know who she is, as there are a few who fall into this category, and they all know it. so don't try and guess. if i tell you that i want to talk, listen. i would listen to you.
+
+ why does distance make us wise +
Wednesday, Aug. 10, 2005 - 4:45 am
+ thirty minutes, the blink of an eye
out of time to decide
do we run? should i hide
for the rest of my life
we could lose, we could fail
in the moment it takes
to make plans, or mistakes
thirty minutes to alter our lives
thirty minutes to make up my mind
thirty minutes to finally decide
thirty minutes to whisper your name
thirty minutes to shoulder the blame
thirty minutes of bliss, thirty lies
thirty minutes to finally decide
that we shape with our eyes
under shade silhouettes
casting shapes crying rain
we could lose, we could fail
either way, options change
chances fail, trains derail.
thirty minutes to alter our lives
thirty minutes to make up my mind
thirty minutes to finally decide
thirty minutes to whisper your name
thirty minutes to shoulder the blame
thirty minutes of bliss, thirty lies
thirty minutes to finally decide
to decide, to decide, to decide, to decide
tatu // thirty minutes
Tuesday, Aug. 09, 2005 - 3:33 pm
+ behind these hazel eyes i'm perpetually lonely.
..i can honestly say that i love her, though. that's one thing. and though she may think that i'm going through torture or something, i'm really not effected like that. i'm lonely in general.
and you say that there's rachel. problem being, i think we're on different, slightly similar pages... i can do a long distance thing, but from what i'm hearing thus far, i don't think she wants something like that.
[edit] i totally contradicted myself... meh. rachel's not the reason i feel lonely; she doesn't make me feel lonely. makes me feel loved, happy... many other things. she doens't make me feel lonely at all. felt the need to clarify that. when i'm not having a lonely spell, i actually feel better knowing she's around again... that i'll be able to talk to her and such.
Saturday, Aug. 06, 2005 - 2:10 pm
+ she drowns in her dreams i've been thinking a lot lately. and inherently, i've been sleeping a lot lately. mainly because the few people that i want to talk to about this are either not around or around and just out of reach most of the time. and right now? i just want to go back to sleep.
