Saturday, Aug. 20, 2005 - 11:29 pm
+ fukai mori this is what i did last night, starting at about three am, 'cause julie randomly felt like going to see her gramma. had fun, was a twelve hour trip... think i slept about three of them in her back seat, then came home and slept for about five. still tired, just hungry and tired now, and dad apparantly JUST got home... i hear keys in the door.

[continues an hour and a half later]

storms were horrible here last night. kristen and i ended up at walmart for quite a while hoping that it would sound better out there before we went. it got worse when we got out to the truck... took an hour to go from walmart to mcdonald's to home... that's going forty five on the highway. ugh.

and this is a day log today. yay.

oh, i almost forogt... when sai was in town, she bought me a youkai booster pack of inuyasha playing cards. thus, when kristen and i went, i got the starter deck that comes with cards for two players... and i picked up a couple more booster packs tonight. i think i'm gonna get into this one... see if i can get elsbe to play with me since she likes inuyasha too, hehe. total knock-off of pokemon which is a knock-off of magic, which is a knock-off of d&d... meh. it's still inuyasha though! heeee.

i'm going. gonna look through these cards, then go back to bed. tired. ugh.

+
Friday, Aug. 19, 2005 - 12:38 am
+ if it makes you happy first paper for my comp I teacher. the title easily gives the subject. have fun.

Diagnostic: Fears and Expectations

I have expectations? Really? I learned a long time ago not to expect too much out of anything or anyone so as not to end up disappointed in the end. I slip up every now and then, but for the most part I adhere to this rule. I have hopes, even some dreams, but no expectations. Fear, on the other hand… that keeps me up at night, hoping that I can get through the next day without crying or fighting with my best friend or failing a test, now that school has started again. Sometimes, I swear that fear is what keeps me alive, because I know that there’s someone or something to be deals with once my feet hit that ruddy carpet in the morning -or the cat that decides that she’s going to lay down in the space that my feet fall onto every day.

My hopes? That I’ll be able to one day meet the girl of my dreams, while hopefully being in a rock band -similar to Evanescence- whether or not we’re actually successful. I hope to not go to bed alone, aside from the cats. I hope to move out of my Dad’s house by the time I’m twenty three and that I’ll be able to support myself on my own until or unless someone else comes along. I hope that my Mom would still be proud of me, even though I’m no longer the choir kid that she left behind a year ago today. I hope that one day, should I find someone who wants children, that the child can grow up without others making snide remarks about him/her having two mothers, though I doubt that will happen. I hope that we, as a nation, will wake up and realize that we’re going to Hell in a hand basket now that we’re trying to make laws and bills that take away rights instead of giving them, because we are supposed to be the example for many countries, from my understanding. My only expectation is to wake up in the morning and probably step on a cat and stumble into the bathroom to an empty toilet paper roll.

The things that I fear are laced into the things that were listed above, as well as so much more. One of my major fears right now is the way that the government is going at this moment, that it will be illegal for me to even exist here when I wake up one morning. I’m a non-Christian lesbian who gears right wing Republicans like the plague because I shall apparently lead the United States -albeit the world- to ruin. Single handedly, no less, because I am the incarnation of evil, of the devil that doesn’t even exist in my own religious practices. I fear that, since I’m totally away from the people who knew me in this school, NEW friends will be ridiculed the way that my best friend was for being friends with a lesbian, that they’ll have to suffer through “being a lesbian” as well. I’m scared that one day I’ll end up as sick as my Mom was when she died. I’m scared that I’ll get through this school year still not knowing what I want to major in, that I won’t be able to transfer anywhere because I have two years of random credits from music to computers to psychology. I’m scared that I’ll remain jobless because I’m nineteen years old with no job history -everyone wanted me to be eighteen, and once I was eighteen, they wanted experience. I fear being alone, and try to have someone online chatting with me or on the phone talking to me more often than not, because I’ve come to hate alone time unless I’m writing or playing video games, maybe working on HTML or reading. I fear myself, almost as much as I fear Republicans, because I can’t vote myself out of office or run away from myself.

As you can see, I do indeed have much more fear than hope, much more to hope for than to expect. Though I will admit that I am long winded, I don’t believe that has much to do with that fact -gear does appear to keep me going more often than not. Much more can be added to that list, a little bit more to the first, but that doesn’t change that fact. Though, that’s not to say that I’m not happy. I’m quite fine with the way that things are going right now, though that’s not to say that things will be as clear later on. I’m not a fortune teller, so I have no idea what will happen, but don’t think that I’m constantly looking over my shoulder. My eyes are straight ahead, looking whatever fear or hope may befall my way directly in the eyes and cornering it the best way I know how.

+
Tuesday, Aug. 16, 2005 - 4:31 pm
+ it's been a year now, and a lot of things have changed a year ago today, i walked the halls of kckcc a brand new student, a hopeful music major, looking to get her feet wet before moving on to a major university after completing two free years first, and going on to bigger and better things. i sat through my first theory class, excited at the prospect while still scared of dr. connie mayfield. i went to my piano class, happy to know that i was already ahead of many people there. i went to world civ, my first class with elsbe and julie, and giggled away as mr. ryan went on about how the class would be handled. then i went to the tryouts for madrigal choir, vocalizing with the group that i believed would be wonderful and would look forward to, while shaking like a leaf on the inside... and feeling my leg shake on the outside as, i assumed, ashley continued trying to reach me since i originally had a break at that time, and she knew it.

and then i walked in the hallway to check my voicemail.

and then my life changed forever.

we all know the rest of the story from that point. and i think that's why i dislike kckcc so much. that's where i was when everything happened... and where i've been ever since.

i'm terrified of singing in front of anyone now. and i think it's because of the funeral and the fact that elsbe and i sang there. i'm not sure what other reason there is for this to have happened at this point, aside from trauma in general. no matter how much i mentally prepare myself to perform, i come short and back out, i.e. cheeseburger in paradise on thursday nights... i'm determined to sing there next thursday, but dammit, i should be able to now.

..i'm not sure what else to say now. if you're one of the few i want ot be in contact with in the next few days, you'll be called or emailed or imed. aside from that... i'll update with something else either later tonight or tomorrow after school. i'm off to play kingdom hearts, karamari, or sleep... not sure which yet.

i guess this is "normal" now, since it's been a year.

+
Monday, Aug. 15, 2005 - 12:01 pm
+ but i can't take it, i don't understand i think jerry put it best when i saw him just now... i feel orphaned. everyone's gone for the most part, and i'm not in music classes. it feels... strange. and it's effing weird to be here without elsbe and julie and shannon and lyssa. i've seen sasha, tiffany, amanda, and i just saw jerry as elsbe called to tell me about her theory test. and for some reason, i think that's all i'm gonna see.

gawd, i put myself into a freshman english class. that kills me inside. i found out we're gonna be doing writing like i did my junior year of high school and before... wednesday we write about our worst fears and greatest expectations. ugh. we're allegedly gonna be doing arguments by the end of the semester. beautiful. and if it weren't for the thirty year old who's sitting next to me in there, i'd be the oldest one. everyone's straight out of high school... and aside from her, i feel old. i mean, they *look* like they're seniors in high school.

i think i'm gonna be livin' down here in the pit a lot of the time, just like old days... only now i'm gonna be by myself with my computer. and actually, i should probably be checking in on my online classes while i'm having breaks and after class on wednesdays and fridays... i can say that i'll do that, but my actually doing that is totally different, because we all know i probably won't. it's worth a shot though, right?

so at two today, once i'm out of tutorial, first call i make is to sai to find out when and if we're hanging out, if i need to pick her up, all that fun stuff. figure out what we're doing. then call elsbe and see when her mom's bringing her back home from helping her brother with his summer paper... though i was ORIGINALLY gonna pick her up on the way home. gyah. hate people. i might try to call and leave a message for rachel in the interim somewhere, miss that girl. and somewhere amongst all this i'm picking up some lunch.

..is college supposed to be this lonely and boring after your friends who were a year ahead of you leave?

+
Thursday, Aug. 11, 2005 - 8:24 pm
+ always on my mind, in my heart, in my soul ok so. i know everyone's wished something like this in the past... and i'm wishing it right now. and i realize i'm putting someone else through this... but not nearly to the extreme that i've been getting for the past year.

have you ever wished that your best friend and love interest type thing could put aside differences and be alright with each other in some way or another?

::sigh::

it's a lost cause and i know it, but... it's a dream of sorts. i wish they could see more than the bad in each other... though i'm glad that neither of them is the type to offer an ultimadum. ultimatum? ::shrugs::. it's a hopeless battle that has neither a winner or a loser... aside from the possible self-centered answer of me saying that i'm the loser.

..i'm just happy to know both of them and to have both of them in my life. i wish they could see that... and the good that each of them do to improve the way that things are in my life... that neither of them is nearly as bad as they each think they are...

+

+ why does distance make us wise +