Friday, Oct. 07, 2005 - 11:52 am
+ somewhere out there, out where dreams come true today's discussion in english was focused around whether or not one should lie to their spouse in a marriage if no one is being hurt in the process and things of the sort. case in pointe, a man is playing jazz piano on weekends while his wife and son are at home without him, and his wife thinks he's working another job. he has enough money (which she also doesn't know about) to make her think that he's working the weekend job, and he knows that if he tells her, she'll likely say to pick either music or his family.

you know... i felt really strongly about all of this until i started writing. i had this big, long, drawn out thing that i was going to write... but i really just don't feel like it now. all i'll say is that it's not right for someone to be dictated by another, whether in marriage or not, because you should still be allowed your own life, as well as life with your family. that was being debated, because the one person in the class who was once married and had a family said that there's no way for that to happen. i believe that it can, and that it should happen to keep a healthy and happy relationship, but whatever. i just... don't feel like writing about it now.

i've been listening to frankie j's remake of more than words a lot recently, and i'm not sure why. i love that song, loved it before he remade it, and his remake rekindled that love for that particular song. i sang it loudly on the highway with the window partway down on the way home. immediately after that, edwin mccain's i'll be, an anthem that i would sing to any prospective lover. that made me happy inside. moments like that are the moments that everyone tells me to hold on to so often...

..but then i realize that i'm singing to myself and not to anyone else, and that i'm driving back home to be alone again. and it gets harder and harder to hold on to that good feeling once it falters, because there's really no way or reason to hold on.

i guess i'm really happy when i sing again, but i don't want to major in it because, well, what's a performance degree gonna get anyone in the long run? i suppose i'll stick with karaoke, maybe join choir again in the spring (if i'm still in school in the spring), and try to have fun with it again... though i'm not sure that it will ever be the same to me as it once was.

music used to be a passion that pounded through my veins, and i would feel it in my gut, feel it rise up to my throat, and watch as it spiraled from my mouth out to anyone who was willing and able to hear it. i could feel it in my toes as i kept a beat for myself, and it rose up my leg and often times to my arm, down to my hand, where i would either need to contain myself be shoving my hand in my pocket, or keeping a small beat on my side as well. it was everywhere within me, seemingly never to leave. music kept me alive, and kept me feeling alive inside.

nowadays, those moments don't happen nearly as often as they used to. when they do, they're something to hold on to for as long as i can until they start to fade away. i still listen to music constantly and sing with it whenever i know the song, purely from instinct and because it really does keep me feeling at least somewhat alive, but it pales in comparison to the way that it felt before. it can be rekindled, though i'm not sure that i will ever be able to make a career of it as there isn't much of a market for fat chicks who don't sing high, even though they can do it well, often times better than the people who are making records now.

i wish i had my ambition again. i miss it. i miss knowing exactly what i was going to do with my life, instead of this void that needs to be filled within the next couple of months. i remember in high school, saying that the moment i turned eighteen, i would be gone from here. my things would be packed in advance, and two weeks from then, i would put in my notice to whatever job(s) had taken me, or look for a transfer to wherever i was going. and even after that faded off into the distance upon hearing you know you have to go to college, right?, i knew that i would go to kckcc and major in music performance, then transfer somewhere like umkc, and then hopefully score a deal somewhere.

. . .

i'll be lucky to still be in school come january. if i am, i hope that i have some idea by then what i want to do with my life... because if not then, when?

+
Thursday, Oct. 06, 2005 - 9:17 pm
+ no news i've needed to go to the bathroom since about twoish. and i haven't really gone yet, which many would likely deem stupid, but let me explain.

apparantly, dad finished the toilet paper this morning. there's no more rolls. i'm at about an eighth of a tank of gas. i have no money. my neighbor doesn't like me much. anyone who would usually be willing to bring me any can't. there's no napkins and such. my alternative is kleenex. (well yes there are napkins, but not flushable, and kleenex isn't ideal either.)

i have to potty and there's nothing that anyone can do about it.

i got a d on my computer midterm. because the questions were... dumb... and had somewhat kind of multiple answers, but only one was right. my english grade will probably be a b. biology leaves something to be desired. tutorial will likely be a b as well. i don't think i'll be in school next semester.

last but not least, new image server. photobucket hadn't been working for a few days, so i got a new one elsewhere. can't tell you for the life of me where right now, but it's for files, not just images. wo0t.

no news. at all. that's all of it. and i'm not feeling creative, because i'm focusing on keeping things in right now rather than letting anything out, if you get my drift.

+
Wednesday, Oct. 05, 2005 - 12:37 am
+ if you only knew yanno, normal people are happy when they hear that they can sleep in an extra hour in the morning instead of getting up at their regular time. quite happy, actually. i, on the other hand, apparantly, burst into tears uncontrollably, because it means that the entire day is messed up. it takes out an important part of that day, whether i like it or not, and whether i want it to or not -taking elsbe to school in the morning on a day when i likely won't get to talk to or see her any other time.

usually, this wouldn't be an issue. but right now, i'm coming undone. and i can't help it. no one can, from what i've seen, but there are those who can make it an easier process. problem being, they're generally busy at that time. thus, i come apart alone and people wonder why i'm sad or why i don't go to school as much or why nothing gets done around the house.

think of something happy and just hold on to it. don't let it go.

that makes it all the harder, because there really isn't anything happy that can actually happen right now. everything's impossible at this point, unless dad wins powerball tomorrow or something -a near impossibility. the little things do mean something, but not enough to bring me out of this.

the idea of going back to therapy was brought up tonight. i don't want medication... while at the same time i do because i know it helped outwardly. inside, i felt exactly the same... i was just able to hide it easier and not let anyone know. because i was hyper like you wouldn't believe, and was indeed too hyper to think about it quite as much, but i did still have the same thoughts. that didn't change.

i'm still kinda crying a bit now, as i lay in bed typing this. i didn't want to stay in the living room with dad because i knew that this would happen, so i came in here. and it's not because it has to be elsbe that i'm around and talking to, but because i know that if she's not, there's not likely to be anyone else since they either don't answer phones or need to go soon after i call for something else that they were already doing or going to do. there's not anyone online that often anymore. it's just... a solitary existance when she's not around. and it's not that i don't reach out, it's that no one takes hold of my hand.

it doesn't help that there's a lot of things going on in my life right now that i don't really get to talk about... that tend to stay rather silent... because i want to be there for other people and not make them have to listen to crap when they don't want to or can't. the people that i talk to about things have been snapping at me recently, so i've just been trying to listen to them instead of throwing in my own problems on top of everything else. one of these many, many things is slowly getting used to someone not being around anymore... at least not for me...

i heart juu (11:03:02 PM): so should i just pull my lip over my head and swallow?
i heart juu (11:05:45 PM): i'm taking that as a resounding "yes" then. so be it. whatev.
i heart juu (11:06:24 PM): wish there were at least a little bit of closure from you aside from "i'm gonna disappear indefinitely now and ignore your instant messages and emails and phone calls."
johnny goodbye signed off at 11:31:44 PM.

i've noticed she only signs in and stays signed in when i'm on as away. and when i come back, she doesn't talk to me. nor does she email me or make any other effort to contact me.

. . .

love songs make me cry like no other. as do movies with kissy crap, and couples in general. at least, right now they do. because i know that when those people go to bed at night, they might not be alone, and even if they are... they know that they don't really have to be, and that they're not truly alone. there's someone out there who loves them and who will be there for them no matter what, at least for a time. they know that they have someone who can be the first person they talk to in the morning, and the last person that they talk to at night, and it not be an issue of wanting to be around them all the time or monopolizing their time... because talking to and being with them is a part of the deal.

i don't know, i guess i'm just feeling everything fifty billion times worse right now, and i'm not sure why. there's no reason. it's just happening. i think i'm gonna start sleeping all the time again, because there isn't any reason for me to be awake except for household things and homework unless someone calls me. even then, they want to hang up because i'd been in bed... so it's pointless.

i envy people who have stuff to do all the time a lot more than friends probably think that i do... because at least they have things to do to keep them busy and not thinking about too much else.

+
Sunday, Oct. 02, 2005 - 2:44 am
+ hold me close, don't ev-a let me go

this is essentially what i told elsbe earlier. and what i'm telling anyone who reads here... because most likely if you do, you should know this as well. she had said that she doesn't understand what i go through, after saying while fighting that i'm "too bipolar". we talked for a while, and i explained it so that she could understand... because i've never been able to put it to words before. so... here you go. pure, unadulterated landa. some stuff got added from when i told her too...