Tuesday, Oct. 11, 2005 - 1:01 am
+ take me out hold me, kiss me, make me yours
keep me there 'till i stop .c.r.y.i.n.g.;
love me there 'till i'm through dying.
d o n ' t l e t m e g o, just keep me close.
make me .b.e.l.i.e.v.e. i'm not alone
please don't kick me to the street,
take my hand and pull me back,
'cause i don't know why i'm here...
i don't know where i am...
i woke alone, and here. i. stand.,
waiting, hoping someone turns back,
hoping that it's her and knowing
that is just a dream.
save me, touch me, comfort me
.l.e.t. .m.e. .k.n.o.w. .y.o.u.'.r.e. .t.h.e.r.e...
prove to me that someone cares,
just... make me feel alive...
+
Monday, Oct. 10, 2005 - 7:53 pm
+ don't wanna cry so i think this is the end of it all. finally, i suppose, in the eyes of most... though i'd wished that there was something more to hold on to... apparantly there's not...
i heart juu (7:45:01 PM): yanno if you truly didn't want to talk to me or have me talking to you, you'd take me off of your buddy list.
i heart juu (7:45:22 PM): and i begin to wonder why you haven't... because it appears that it'll be a cold day in hell before i hear something from you again... apparantly...
i heart juu (7:49:33 PM): it almost appears as if it's not fair that you had once said that i didn't know real love or caring when it was looking me in the face... because you apprantly don't either.
johnny goodbye signed off at 7:50:11 PM.
and at that moment, i watched as she signed off at two different times; she took both of the names she'd had on her buddy list off of it.
and at that moment, my heart and all of the hopes that was with it was on the floor, as she did the mexican hat dance on it.
...
today's been a really bad self-esteem day anyway, filled with a lot of tears and a lot of reverting to "mrow"ing to say anything to anyone. this didn't help at all. and i'd really like to go in my room and just have a cry fest, but i can't. elsbe and aaron are in her room, and i'd really prefer not knowing what they're talking about or doing unless she wants to talk about it later...
..though i sporadically hear her yelling a lot, have for the past few minutes, but whatev...
yanno, i wish things like this wouldn't happen as soon as i'm comfortable with someone, because it appears to be what always happens. either they go away out of nowhere, start getting irritable, or back away toward someone else... or decide that just knowing that someone's out there that cares for and loves them isn't enough...
i'm tired of crying. i don't know how many tears i've got left... i've gotta be running out by now...
+
Monday, Oct. 10, 2005 - 1:19 am
+ is this the beginning, or is this the end i take back what i said right before this entry, and i add this:
you know who you are, anyone else, you'll deal.
i don't know what happened, i'm not sure what i can do to help or anything like that... but i'm here. and i'm ready to listen and try to help. i want to do something if i can, anything. because i've been there before, and i know what it's like, whether you believe it or not. i have been somewhere like that before. i love you. just... tell me what you need and i'll do it.
to everyone else who reads this, goodnight.
+ so i've concluded that i'm not gonna believe anyone when they say anything to me for the rest of my life. because most of the time, it's not true. it ends up changing every single time. case in pointe: i'll take him home when i get up so i can do homework and stuff. they're attached to each other in my living room, making plans to go buy supplies for pancakes and french toast. ... yanno, i don't think this would bug me so fucking much if i didn't have to wake up every weekend alone, knowing that there was to be someone there that no longer was... or to them immediately all coupley with each other, even though they've been awake together for so much longer than the time that we've all been up and out of bed. god i feel so lonely around them... another example: i should have enough money for a trip this winter or spring... maybe i can go there, or fly you out here. love you. where the hell are you now? that's the last thing that i heard from you. ... there's so much that i wanna tell someone, but not only do the words get in the way, but they just... don't listen anymore. because they don't want to hear it anymore.
+ i hate everything. ::quite teh emo child rite naw:: i heart juu (11:45:16 PM): are you or aren't you, dammit. rawr. since i know you read this, at least you still did the last time we spoke... i know that if you truly wanted to ignore me and not speak to me any longer, you would take me off of your buddy list. because i know you have it set up to where if someone's not on your list, they can't see you. but, i'm still there. on at least two of my screen names. i still love you, i think i always will... ..just tell me if you think i should stop, alright? if you ever cared about me at all... tell me.
+
+ why does distance make us wise +
Sunday, Oct. 09, 2005 - 11:41 am
+ where are you now
Saturday, Oct. 08, 2005 - 8:25 pm
+ now that i've tried to talk to you and make you understand
i heart juu (11:46:42 PM): aren't you. or are you and ignoring. either way. what the hell got things this way?
i heart juu (11:58:15 PM): i'm begging you. please answer me sometime... now preferably, but in general... just... please.
i heart juu (11:58:20 PM): if nothing, give some closure.
i heart juu (11:58:33 PM): or if you're not you, tell me when the hell she died.
johnny goodbye signed off at 12:27:29 AM.
