nikki imed me earlier. she said it's not gonna work out 'cause she's staying offline for a while 'cause she's tired of being online... though i get a feeling that this is somewhat related to a conversatoin we had yesterday.

::sigh::

i've been feeling rather snuggly all night... i'm gonna go to bed and cling to my elbe.

..i wish i were elsbe right now... she's got someone to cling to every weekend, regardless of what anyone else says...

+
Thursday, Oct. 13, 2005 - 2:26 am
+ i'm so tired, but i can't sleep
i can't sleep now, because i'm stupid. because i said the wrong thing the wrong way to elsbe when we were talking about her wanting me to go back into therapy. i asked her if she was trying to pull away since she said she wanted me not to need her so much, and if in a way she was trying to get more time with aaron. problem being, that's not how i wanted to say that at all, and it just came out horribly wrong... i wasn't mad or upset, just wondering about it and the therapy thing... kinda sad because i know that i'm only bringing her down lately instead of being able to actually help her since i've never been in her situation(s) before... then she got terribly pissed off, internet-screamed fuck you at me, and got offline. didn't let me talk, though she was online long enough to have seen what i said, and i hope she did... and wouldn't answer her phone when i tried calling her repeatedly.

i have this thing. i can't go to bed when there's a major argument going on with someone i truly care about. thus, i burst into hysterical tears and rolled around for a while, pretending that i could actually fall asleep.

i hope she'll still let me take her to school tomorrow. last i heard she doesn't have enough gas to get to and from anyway... so here's hoping... because i really want to tell her what i meant instead of just what she heard it as...

i don't want to go into therapy again. i really don't. i didn't trust my therapist and didn't talk to her, then they sent me to a psycologist for meds, and that "worked". they kept me doped up enough not to think. well, not to think and talk about it, anyway, though my legs shook uncontrollably from all of the excess energy i had from that damn medication. not even a year later, i was out of the system and "normal", though they had put "bipolar" on my file, from what they told me. that make sense to anyone?

along with that, i hate doctors. they're a type of doctor. i would think that out of anyone, elsbe would understand that, because she hates them too... refuses to go even when she's extremely sick, and wouldn't have gone for her nearly broken ankle if she could have helped it. i can't let my guard down and trust a doctor.

yes, talking tends to help me with things, but so does writing. so does singing. so do video games, when i play them. i just haven't been doing those things lately, so apparantly i haven't been doing as well. that, and i think that i've been hardcore pmsing, so i've been even more moody than usual.

she wants me to not need her so much. problem being, she's the only person who will willingly make time for me when i really need it to talk to someone most times, at least at times when, at that moment, i don't need to do the same for her. she's the only person who i have physical contact with in a day, because no one else is huggy at all. she'll accept my hugs, even when she has to leave and be somewhere five minutes ago, or at leas she has up until this point.

i have the capabilities of being independent, but independence for me means being alone. that's the way my nature is. if i'm independent, i'm quieter, and i'm alone more, which i hate. i don't like being alone, and no amount of medication or therapy can change it. and no, i don't have motivation for a lot of things, but aren't a lot of people like that? they need an extra push to do some things... some of them more than others... but they eventually get done, right? right. i'm one of those who needs a push in the right direction at times, and that didn't even change in therapy.

god... it feels like my heart broke when she signed off on me and wouldn't answer... i'm lower right now than i have been in the past few months combined...

just a couple of hours ago, she told me that she was happy for me and hugged me because i finally got to tell her about nikki... and then just like that, i fucked things up...

i'm so tired, but i can't sleep.

four hours of sleep last night, looking like that much or less tonight... i plan on getting up early enough to take her to school, i already told her that i would... she didn't say that i couldn't, just that she wouldn't answer the phone -which i can usually get her to do, but couldn't this time.

we've needed to just... talk for a while now, and haven't been able to because this and that keeps on coming up in the way of it all. and i guess this is the culmination of it all. one or two things that could probably be talked out in person are totally blown up online, where there's no tones and no way of talking once someone walks away... at least i can steal her keys of block the door when she's here...

i need to talk to her before i can sleep... looks like i'll be up for over twenty four hours total in the end...

+
Wednesday, Oct. 12, 2005 - 1:02 am
+ lonely no more i took a rather large risk for me, especially as it's been less than a day with us, and i asked.

and she said yes.

...

well i'm quite proud of and satisfied with myself.

tell me it's a mistake if you want. i'll find out later on. wankers.

i'll chat with you tomorrow, hun.

+

+ why does distance make us wise +