Friday, Nov. 04, 2005 - 10:58 pm
+ whiskey for my men, beer for my hosses yanno, i don't see why it's such a big deal to type out an entry while you're drunk. i mean really. hm.

vodka is my new friend. and a very good friend indeed. wish we'd become acquainted long before tonight, would have made a few other badnights a lot easier to get through... and to pass out through.

though, i wil admit i'm being a pussy. drinking it in coke 'cause my dad's home. heh.

..who said the room could look all weird and stuff when i moved my head fast? and when the hell did this cat reappear in my lap?

i just found out that a girl i was preiously interested in a while back is actually thirteen. love liars. love catching them in it too. murr.

...

it's moments like these when i wish that i wasn't drinking by myself... and i don't mean drinking with elsbe while aaron's in the room either. 'cause for some reason, my room looks even lonlier when i go in there after nights like this. i mean yes, i could always bring one of the cats with me, but they have claws. and ihave a waterbed. bad combination. i don't even want sex, hell, just either a cuddle buddy or even just someone to drink with, as elsbe and aaron went to bed a bit ago and iw asn't really feeling anything until about now.

my head doesn't stay up on its own anymore. and ferris buller's day off is much funnire than it used to be.

my vodkas gone. dammit.

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Monday, Oct. 31, 2005 - 11:33 am
+ kimi ni fuku kaze i remember not being the only one dressed up last halloween when elsbe and i went as ben and amy. this year, it appears all of the other people who would have done something either didn't come to school, or just didn't do anything. so i'm runnin' around here carrying a guitar for little to no reason... murr.

by the way, hatred for the english class continues. i even had elsbe look over my paper last night, and she said she didn't see anything wrong with it. of course, i get into class and end up being told to rework it. basically, i need to rearrange things and go into a bit mroe detail about other things... it droves me insane that no matter what i do in there, i can never be good enough. people who wrote complete shit were getting pats on the back. well, not complete shit... they just followed his form in everything that they wrote. i thought i had this time... apparantly i didn't.

it's so effing cold in here... almost makes me glad that i forgot my drink in the truck, otherwise i'd be sitting here drinking a cold drink while shivering.

...

guess i should work on that paper now, since i'm not sure when else i'll actually do it by wednesday... nothing else to do for the next hour. guh.

+
Saturday, Oct. 29, 2005 - 3:46 am
+ i am not crazy dude, i didn't say anything like that when i called you. yes i said everyone was busy, because at that point -to my knowledge- they all would be. i had no idea whatsoever that kristen was gonna come by on the way back to her dorm, that was a complete surprise. and as far as i knew, sasha was gonna be over at someone else's house. not sure how that changed, it just did. i'm sorry. most of the time when i say that, it's true. seriously. this is the only time it hasn't been.

please stop pretending that things are fine when they're not. i don't care if it eventually gets to be alright if you create the illusion long enough... it doesn't work through the issues involved. it just helps them to stew for later on when something else happens... and that's not healthy for anyone. please talk to me when you're upset... alright?

i noticed you dressed nice today, i told you so. you really did look pretty today sweetie, you look pretty every day. just really noticed it again earlier and pointed it out a couple of times.

::sigh:: i'm sorry that today sucked for you. it seems to have sucked for everyone...

i'm actually not sure how i should take what you said... usually i would blow a gasket, but i don't feel the need to. i feel shitty that you had a bad day, and i wish that i could have made it better somehow... to be honest, i think it just sunk in about donnie when you left and i had to cry. i'm sorry. i'm not sure you meant that... because you know that your tears will always matter to me if nothing... and i would think that it would continue to be the same for you too. i haven't known you to be any different...

i didn't mean to ruin your night. i thought you'd said something about getting drunk tonight and such, and didn't know that it meant you guys would be in your room all night... otherwise i totally would have left you alone. i knew you wanted to see the movie in there, but if the cable didnt work i didn't see why it'd make a difference to watch it in the living room since aaron was staying the night anyway...

i'm sorry i'm not good enough, and that sorry isn't good enough. tell me what i need to do, and i'll try to be. i didn't even know that i was messing up all night when i did... i'm honestly and truly sorry and i want to make it up to you somehow... just tell me how, alright? i love you sweetie, just... talk to me, alright?

i think we need to have some time to talk and such, like you and aaron did, because this appears to be a recurring issue, and to be honest, i think it's mainly just a miscommunication a lot of the time. i'm more than willing to if you will at some point... i don't want to end up losing our friendship over something like my being lonely all the time, especially when it's something i'm working on -though i'll admit i've been in a vulnerable state today, and that's not your fault at all. i shouldn't have called you when i did. i thought about it, and though i thought 'no', i picked up the phone anyway, and i'm not sure why. i didn't mean to, it was subconscious. i'll work on that too.

there's so much more that i want to say... just not in a public forum. can we talk things out sometime? tomorrow sometime, or sunday if there's time before you have to go to your family thing? maybe afterward? please? we need to have a time to just get things out and not worry about one of the two of us storming off or something. i'll try not to get upset if you promise the same, and we'll just talk things out in general, alright?

i love you, sweetie -hot, somewhat older stepsister of mine, hehe. i want us to be able to talk to each other clearly again, and i'm sure you do too. just... please take this into consideration, strongly.

g'night (or g'morning when you read this..) <3,
lan

p.s. get me up after doing so, alright? o_o;; don't care that it's nearly four in the morning right now, i wanna be up sometime before one thirty... unlike today, lol.

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Friday, Oct. 28, 2005 - 6:02 pm
+ hold on if you feel like letting go so, what my dad told me while he was walking out the front door kinda just sunk in. and absolutely everyone is away on messenger and not responding.

of course, no one's around when it sinks in that my "uncle" shot himself in the head.

. . .

yanno, he drove me nuts, but still. that's just...

dad's not telling me anything more until he gets home, which will allegedly be pretty soon.

. . . . . .

everyone i've talked to today has been having a bad day. elsbe's mom went off on her this morning among other things that happened at school, debbie's email got hacked, aaron feels as though women are against him (though i haven't talked with him yet, but i read good)... ashley and kathy are both actually related to donnie...

i'm with elsbe on getting drunk tonight. it sounds good for everyone involved. being shitfaced would be really really nice. maybe if sasha's free she can come play too... i don't care if dad's home at this point. grr.

+
Friday, Oct. 28, 2005 - 3:46 am
+ brand new day i just downloaded a bunch of music from gravitation. that makes me happy.

apparantly, rae won me for a night on myspace for whatever she wants. that could get interesting.

..and yes, she's the girl that i was talking about yesterday.

i thought i'd end up going to karaoke tonight, but dad said something about groceries and i didn't... he came home just long enough to go off on me for dishes, then leave again. thus, laundry didn't get done yet again because the dishwasher needed the water power. this leads to a smelly landa, which most tend to dislike greatly... and which she dislikes muchly. basically, if i bathe every hour, i might be alright.

the gravitation soundtrack(s) is(are) more awesome than i thought it(they) would be.

..that's a lot of parenthesis.

i feel kinda goofy!weird. not the kind that's fun for others to read, mind you, but a nice change of pace for me. of course, that could be something to do with the fact that it's nearly four in the morning, and i'm still up and out of bed.

i think i might be going back into therapy. i don't want to, but i know that i'm making lives miserable re-..more than just recently. i feel horrible for it, i just... don't want to go back again. i don't want someone to mess up with me again and say that i'm fine when i'm really not.

..then again, i'm tired of feeling like shit whenever i'm alone. and i'm tired of thinking that i need someone else to complete me, when a while back i could have stood on my own and been just fine.

i've decided that i'll go on medication again if i need to... i just hope that i'm not a completely different person again. doing a 180 is fine, as long as my personality doesn't go along with it like it did on welbutrin and prozac. i can only hope that i'm either above medication, or that there's something better out there now.

at this point, i don't think it will be as hard for me to open up to a stranger again; i've been doing it a lot recently online, so i see no reason for it to carry over into real life. i mean, i've been talking to rae a lot in the past couple of days, as well as wolfsdiary from lc... it shouldn't be an issue, right?

i don't want to be the person that i am right now, but at the same time, i want to be exactly who i am.

. . .

let me explain a little bit.

i don't want to be the person to sit there and end up excluding herself from group activities. i don't want to be scared of singing. i don't want to hold elsbe back, or anyone else for that matter. i don't want to be the one pulling and pushing herself away from everyone, only to say that she doesn't want to be alone. i don't want to be the one left wanting.

i want to be as sweet as everyone says i am. i want to retain the ability to open up to certain people. i want to stay just as affectionate as i am now when allowed to be. i want to be myself with certain groups of people -only carried over more often. i want to be outgoing, the way that i am one-on-one.

..i've actually been trying to work on that personally, but there are days that i slip and take two steps backward. i'm thankful for all of the people who are there to help me take that step forward... but i don't want to make them deal with the brunt of everything all of the time.

there are two things i need to do at this point, aside from going to bed once i get this posted everywhere that it needs to be posted:

one) find a way to talk to elsbe's mom about all of this, since she's the one facilitating the ability for me to do this.
two) hope that i don't scare off people like rae and wolfsdiary after posting this... because i'd really like to keep them around. they're the first ones to see who i want to be now at this point, even though it's through aim and msn conversations, respectively...

goodnight everyone.

+

+ why does distance make us wise +