Saturday, Nov. 12, 2005 - 2:23 am
+ just another day
nothing too much going on, or i'd be writing more... selling my drums, getting an ipod for a really really good price and possibly a bass guitar. that's about all...
lonely, as per usual. i need a cuddle. not just any cuddle, but one of those "we're gonna cuddle up and watch a movie now" cuddles.
hm.
talking to a lot of people recently, meeting new people. online, but people...
i met a satanist. and she's pretty cool... and interesting... and i think i like her, though yet again, not local.
meh. i think i'm gonna stop writing now. because this was useless.
+
i heart juu: SOMEONE BETTER BE MOTHERFUCKING TUNING THAT GODDAMN PIANO I KEEP HEARING
i heart juu: i wanna go stand outside.
+ i think... that i was going to get upset the way that i did earlier anyway. i was going to scream and cry and punch doors... but nothing was triggering me yet. and then elsbe and aaron did it. i was feeling quite upset and everything to begin with, they show up under circumstances in which they showed up, and i spazzed and went off. i've been feeling... insecure? unsure? i'm not sure how to word it yet for the general public. things feel weird right now, and i'm not sure how to fix it. i missed english today because of it... because i couldn't sleep until after five this morning. i must admit, i do feel better after having that mini-breakdown. i say mini, because a full blown one would still be happening, and i would be in my room for the evening, probably on the phone or hopefully with a person talking. i... have to start every paragraph with i today, apparantly, even if i don't need to... like this one. ... it didn't make everything better... just easier for about an hour or so. it's all starting to creep back, and i don't know know i feel about that... or what i can do about that. while i would truly love to talk to someone about it, i don't know what to say. i don't even know how to explain everything to myself, let alone a journal right now. i think i need to stop this now.
+ g'night to everyone else too. p.s. no, the drinking isn't a habit. she bought vodka and offered it to me, felt obliged to say yes... and now i know that i don't want to drink alone anymore. because i feel really affectionate right now, and have no one to take it out on -_-;;. g'night everyone.
+ i need you, but in a not way. i can get by without you, it's just... boring. you liven things up. i'm sorry that you're around so often and not really around, and i'm sorry that you can't talk about your problems as freely as i end up doing so -that all of yours come out all at once and i ultimately end up cowering in a corner until i can readily understand that, even if my mind knows it to begin with but my heart which breaks so easily doesn't. i guess i should just work on building up a stronger barrier to that muscle, but i'm not sure that i actually can -just about any that i've tried to make in my life come tumbling down sooner or later, so why try? i need love. not the type of love that you or any of my friends can give me, the type that i reach out for at night, pulling my hand back and finding myself holding on to nothing more than air. most nights, you can reach out and grasp that, hold it tightly in your arms, and let it be that thought, that feeling, that rocks you to sleep. i find myself reaching out for what can never be. our past, my past with another, they play through my mind until i feel nothing but pain in the thought that i can never have either back, and that there is no likely future with anyone any time soon. while you fall asleep with a smile, i fall asleep drowning in tears. i wish that i were lucky enough to know or have some idea of what is to come of my life, in many more ways than one. jobs, careers, lovers -or at leas tthe idea of such, hopes, dreams... they're all a haze to me now, because i know that none of what i thought would happen can ever be true. i think i'll go back to bed a while longer, until i can sleep through this and into a better frame of mind.
+
+ why does distance make us wise +
Tuesday, Nov. 08, 2005 - 11:08 am
+ how i could just kill a man my conversations with mika are life right now.
i heart juu: BECAUSE THEY KEEP HITTING RANDOM NOTES REPEATEDLY FOR LIKE FIVE MINUTES AT A GODDAMN FUCKING TIME
i heart juu: GYAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
i heart juu: I HEAR IT OVER MY LOUD HEADPHONED MUSIC! AND IT'S MOTHERFUCKING KORN RIGHT NOW!
mika the ninja: HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA
mika the ninja: -patpat-
mika the ninja: LANDA SMASH
i heart juu: LANDA ANGRY
i heart juu: LANDA WANT SMASH!!
mika the ninja: LANDA WANT JUSTICE
mika the ninja: LANDA SMASH PIANO TUNER
i heart juu: DAETH!
i heart juu: 'cause it's one of those days where the wind's just right to make it snow leaves.
i heart juu: i'm at a second floor window and it looks gorgeous outside.
i heart juu: i think me and elsbe are gonna play in a leaf pile tomorrow XD
mika the ninja: o_o
mika the ninja: yay XD
mika the ninja: for some reason, there havent beena lot of leaves turning here..
i heart juu: too warm?
i heart juu: it's in the seventies today... this is SO not fall.
i heart juu: i refuse to believe it's november.
mika the ninja: perhaps
mika the ninja: it'sa bit cold down hurr
mika the ninja: wait
mika the ninja: ...
mika the ninja: we're getting down in the 40s
mika the ninja: ...
mika the ninja: and 50s and maybe if we're lucky, 60s
mika the ninja: WHY ARE YOU GETTING 70s.
i heart juu: I HAVE NO IDEA
i heart juu: I HATE IT
i heart juu: fall is my favourite season and we DON'T GET IT ANYMORE
mika the ninja: :(
mika the ninja: i dont have a favorite season ahaha
i heart juu: we get SUMMER, then KINDA SUMMER and CONSTRUCTION, and WINTER.
mika the ninja: i get sick of them all T_T
mika the ninja: lmao
mika the ninja: kinda summer
mika the ninja: down here it's 'kinda winter' :(
i heart juu: it's not even WINTER!
i heart juu: it's KINDAWINTERYFALLLIKESPRINGY
Monday, Nov. 07, 2005 - 10:13 pm
+ i can't feel the way i did before i initially came here to totally rant and rave... but most of that's gone now.
Sunday, Nov. 06, 2005 - 1:04 am
+ here's to the night elsbe, i totally owe you. i'll buy you lunch. because i accidently poured too much vodka in my drink... there's like half of the bottle left. and i'm quite drunkish now... so i think i'll stop writing and go away from the extremely white screen now and go back to chatting with megan...
Saturday, Nov. 05, 2005 - 12:45 pm
+ part of that world i'm crying right now. but i can't really call and tell you that anymore, can i? because every time i do, you think it's some sort of ploy to keep you around all of the time, when in fact it's just simply me crying and needing to talk to someone... anyone... and you're the first on my list that i would call, especially if i know you're in the interim between one place and another. yes it seems to happen right as you leave, but sometimes it's just something i'd hoped to get a word in about -if nothing to talk about later- before you walk out the door... but there's no time for it. so, i cry. because that's the only way that i can get things out without interfering with someone else's life anymore, especially on a day when everyone is at work or out of town, and you're busy with other things anyway.
