Wednesday, Nov. 23, 2005 - 8:09 pm
+ this distance seems terrible What I'm thankful for in catagories...
Family:
dad and all he does, and elsbe for all that she's done... even if it goes unnoticed sometimes... and for the rest of my friends for being who they are.
School:
i got out before it was too late and my gpa was completely desolate. happy for withdrawl.
Work:
nothing yet... i guess i'm thankful to those who put applications out for me to grab and fill out..
Relationships:
i wish i had one to be grateful for...
Other:
well my truck blew up, but it works now. my computer's hard drive had crashed itself of of nowhere, but i get a new one -hopefully after backing up the information on the old one. i've pushed everyone away for the past few days, and i've had a horrible two weeks.
...
i guess i'm thankful for being alive... even though it's a living hell at this point...
happy thanksgiving to everyone...
+
Wednesday, Nov. 23, 2005 - 1:10 pm
+ i'm crying icicles instead of tears i'm through. i'm through loving and caring about anyone any more than i do already. because it hurts too much to do so. because no matter what i do, it's not going to be good enough, or change the fact that i can't change myself any more than i have already. i can try my damndest, but i can't really, truly change. because no matter what, i'll end up right back here, crying, and wishing that i were different than i am now.
i've never really cried like this before, about five minutes ago, i got over the suffocating. my breathing is almost back to normal, and the tears are through... though i still can't breathe through my nose, and i've cried myself into wanring to throw up what i haven't eaten.
i hate that one persons silence can do this to me.
i will never love anyone that way again. at least, i'll never love anyone else that way again. because every time we fight, it hurts a billion times more than the time before.
..at least, not until i'm better... not until i get better and can actually prove it to people...
because i apparantly have only gotten worse, in my trying to get better. and there's nothing i can do about it but to keep trying.
but i can say this. no one else will ever have that power over me. that one person is the only person who will... and she knows it. and so does everyone else, for the most part. i don't even know how or why it happened in the first place, but it did, and it's hard to undo...
and now that my eyes are almost out of tears, and i can breathe normally... i'll go. because i shouldn't even make you suffer through this.
+
Wednesday, Nov. 23, 2005 - 2:30 am
+ time after time it's apparantly my fault that elbe's here overnight because i didn't get her up after aaron's failed attempt. no matter what i do or say right now, i'm gonna be in trouble, because i already am. she's in bed trying to sleep some more, and i'm here writing because i need to or i'm gonna burst.
i broke the s key on my keyboard earlier because i was so frusterated. dad fixed it, though it misses every now and then at this point. dammit.
the phone bill had an added two hundered dollars to elsbe's plan because she used too many daytime minutes, eating all of our roll overs and actually taking us into a negative balance. not sure how that happened as most of the calling made by the three of us is mobile to mobile aside from my calling debbie and her calling aaron, but it happened. when i found this out, she was in her room with aaron. i went to tell her, she went off on me thorugh the door. i ran away with my tail betwixt my legs, as i was already getting yelled at by dad because of it to begin with.. or i wouldn't have thought of going back to tell her about it while she was having alone time.
of course, shortly after she and aaron went into her room, julie called my cell phone for her. i figure that if she went through the trouble to call my cell phone for her, than it was important, so i went to tell her. she asks if it's important. at this point i'm already pissed because it's a weeknight and they're in there with the possibility of staying over or something, so i ask julie if it's important and she says no and sounds annoyed/pissed as she hangs up.
the concert tonight? it was just the three of us. it feels awkward when it's just us rather than having at least one other person there for these things, because they're all leany and such with each other and i'm sitting there with my arms crossed trying not to fall asleep. after intermission elsbe had an arm behind my head for a while, which i truly appreciated and said thank you for, but i feel left out when i'm the only one with them.
i need to have someone to cuddle up with and whisper to through these sort of things before i want to go to them anymore. because i can't take it.
as it is, i'm tired as hell and planned on going to sleep a while ago... though i'm awake because i was fighting with her.
...
on a related note, can anyone else out there still say that they love someone when they're mad at them or fighting with them and still mean it? because i can, and it hurts me deeply when the other party can only say "i hate you. go away." it almost feels like there's no way that they can care about me as much as i care for them if they can say something like that to me right after i tell them that i love them.
i'm frusterated about a lot of things right now... and it's all coming out in the little things. i will indeed definitely write about it tomorrow... erm... today... after i've been awake for a while, becaue i'm feelin' the beginnings of the carpal tunnel burn goign on right now. i just wish that i could actually talk it all out to someone without either feeling guilty for doing so, or being told that they don't have the time or patience to liten to me... when all i really want is for someone to actually listen, with or without advice.
oh, by the way, my truck blew up yesterday. it's fine now, but i was prepared to be without it for months because dad thought it was the transmission. it was just the alternator that apparantly ended up bursting into flames.
goodnight...
+
Thursday, Nov. 17, 2005 - 8:29 pm
+ life is a dance floor and thus, we have a name now... as well as a time to hang out for a while. so... if things go as planned, me and elsbe are goin' to the mall on sunday to meet tails.
..and since someone brought it up, no, i am not sonic. at least not that i know of. not unless i am crowned thus. plus, i think i'd have to be her girlfriend first... ::trails off to nothingness and stares blankly at the wall::
watching a movie... so i've been working on this for about forty five minutes now -_-;;. i quit for now... maybe mroe after the movie.
..what am i saying, i've been neglecting this lately. oh well.
+
Thursday, Nov. 17, 2005 - 5:28 pm
+ love me, love me application for (possible) romantic involvement
If you think you could get the job, fill this out and send it back to me.
Basic information
Name:
Age:
Location:
Height:
Hair (color and style):
Eyes:
Piercings/tattoos:
Other
1. Where would we go on dates?
2. Who are three of your favorite bands/artists?
3. Do you drink/smoke??
4. Do you like the beach?
5. If so...would you go with me late at night?
6. Do you like movies?
7. If so would you stay up and watch them with me all night?
8. If you were to take me out to a movie would we watch the movie?
9. If not what would we be doing?
10. Do you play an instrument?
11. If so...what?
12. Would you call me right after we saw eachother to make sure i made it home alright?
13. How would you rate your hugs from 1-10?
14. Favorite body part on a gurl?
15. What would you say is the best thing about yourself?
16. Do you have any reps (ie: heartbreaker, player, slut)?
17. Would you give me kisses just because?
What would you do if...
I cried:
I said I liked you:
I kissed you:
I wanted to have sex with you:
I touched your ass:
I was hospitalized:
I ran away from home:
I got in a fight and you were there:
I got dumped:
I pissed you off:
What do you think of my...
Personality:
Eyes:
Face:
Hair:
Clothes:
Voice:
Humor:
Choice of music:
Manners:
Friends:
Decisions:
Would you...
Be my friend:
Tell me the truth no matter what:
Buy me a birthday gift:
Lie to make me feel better:
Spread rumors about me:
Go out at 4am to get me chocolate:
Keep a secret if I told you one:
Loan me some cash:
Hold my hand:
Keep in touch:
Make me a snack:
Love me:
Makeout with me:
Ditch me:
Use me:
ask me out:
Date me:
Have sex with me:
Makeout with me whenever you had the chance:
Hold me and make my problems go away:
Trust Me:
Make me laugh just to see me smile:
Laugh at my jokes just to humor me:
Thank you for your interest in our company. Submission of application does not constitute a relationship, ensure a first date, nor should it be open license to stalking. All applications will be answered within operating business hours, or when I bloody well feel like it.
+
Wednesday, Nov. 16, 2005 - 10:39 am
+ how could this happen to me oh by the way. those lyrics i posted last night? they caused a ten minute crying fest.
why, you might ask?
because they reminded me of mom.
because i heard that song a while back and never got info on it, so i did last night.
because the instrumentation is similar to my immortal, and i think she would have liked it.
because it sounded like what she might have said had she been conscious before she died.
because, on top of everything else that's been happening... i miss her more every day lately,
because she used to keep me sane when these stupid things happened, even if she was driving me insane.
...
and at the same time, it sounds like me trying to reach out to someone whose back i'm watching fade into the distance while i lay here crying and wishing to only tell them what i feel inside without having to act a part or hide my true self at all.
i'm sick of this life, i just wanna scream 'how could this happen to me?'
+
Wednesday, Nov. 16, 2005 - 10:17 am
+ as i'm fading away wanna know what i've been going to say? fine, i'll tell you.
i'm taking a semester off. next semester. yes i've thoguht about it, and yes, my scholarship is probably dead anyway... so i've gotta work and get the money to go back in either the summer or in the fall.
there. not nearly as long and poetic as i'd hoped, but i said it.
...
this has been the most horrible series of days that i've had for a while. a long while. in the process, i've broken the heart of one of my best friends, i've made some decisions that i can't really tell anyone about yet, i've thought about doing some pretty dumb things, and i've cried for probably a total of three hours -no exaggeration. sleep? since saturday night, i've probably had sixteen hours of sleep maximum, one of those nights getting none at all, and topping out at six or seven hours the next night because of it.
however while everything's falling apart, i'm finding that i apparantly have some phermone that is attracting every single woman who's semi-interested in other women who happen to be looking for them online. the fun part? i really like one of them... well, two of them. one i met last night, the other you've heard about already. i don't know the name of the girl i met last night, but she seems pretty awesome. into gravi and things, was pretty nice in her email to me, and reminds me of one of my friends -only a couple of years older. has complete and total "hang out" factor going for her already, we'll see if there's more... most likely one out of all i've met lately to "qualify", hell, for me to even want to hang out with her is a lot 'cause i haven't wanted to with most of the people i've spoken with.
..as i realize that she's gonna read this since she subscribed to my xanga.
...
::wave:: hi olathe girl. how's it goin'?
murr. i think i'm gonna go now... got some other things i can be doing online. ::le sigh::
+
Wednesday, Nov. 16, 2005 - 1:40 am
+ i just wanna scream I open my eyes
I try to see but I'm blinded by the white light
I can't remember how
I can't remember why
I'm lying here tonight
And I can't stand the pain
And I can't make it go away
No I can't stand the pain
Chorus:
How could this happen to me
I've made my mistakes
got nowhere to run
the night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me
Everybody's screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I'm slipping off the edge
I'm hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again
So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can't explain what happened
And I can't erase the things that I've done
No I can't
How could this happen to me
I've made my mistakes
got nowhere to run
the night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me
I've made my mistakes
got nowhere to run
the night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me
Simple Plan // Untitled
+
+ why does distance make us wise +
