Friday, Nov. 25, 2005 - 6:00 am
+ i wish for you i sit here staring at the blank screen,
wondering if you're sleeping,
wondering if you're already awake,
wondering if you'll think of me,
and knowing the answer.

i wish...
for just one kiss,
for one embrace,
for one moment of your time,
for you to reach for me...

..as i've reached for you all these nights.

and then i realize...

you don't deserve me.

you don't deserve all that i would put you through.
you don't deserve the things i would expect.
you don't deserve the stress from my life.
you don't deserve to have to deal with me.

of course, none of this matters...
since we don't know each other yet.

+
Friday, Nov. 25, 2005 - 3:42 am
+ open up to me so.. i just finished a new layout. at this point, it's sub par. the font in the image looks horrible thus far, and to be honest, i'm not totally happy with the image... but i don't have paint shop pro to mess with it on right now, so this will have to do for now.

at least i'm doing something constructive when i'm not sleeping, right? maybe when the new hard drive arrives i'll try and make a xanga/myspace version... it won't be the same style, but it will have the same main image...

i think i might have helped ashley's computer get at least a little bit better... it apears to be running at last a little faster, and there was about 3847583247509754 spyware and adware things removed, including a few trojans. it took over fourteen hours for the last scan to pick it all up, and over thirty hours to mess with it all together, but it is now sitting dormant next to this one.

a sister and her three brothers might buy the drums from me for their dad for christmas... it'll be seventy dollars less than what i had originally wanted for them, but if no one else is interested within the next few days, they'll be the first ones to get them...

growing up is harder than i thought it would be. it's taking so much energy for me to fight away my normal habits of ending up being frusterated and angry about things... and i'm unsuccessful more often than not... but i'm seeing myself fighting it away a bit more than yesterday. and i'm hoping that it becomes a daily thing, taht i can fight away everything mroe and more every day... that i can hide a little bit more every day... that i can become a little bit "more better" every day...

as much as i dread it and don't want to live up to it... what i'm doing is probably gonna help me in the end. the first thing i have to do though is find a job... even if it's seasonal for now. because i need to be able to make my own money so i can start getting things for myself instead of getting things from everyone else. maybe even pay a few people back for their kindness to me in the past few years... and then see about getting steady work so that i can take a couple of classes at a time at my own leisure at kckcc that will transfer over to umkc. in the midst of all of this comes saving for my own car instead of that truck, and saving for that umkc transfer... and hoping like hell that i even get in there.

..and hopefully within ten to twelve years, i'll be certified and teaching. something that i always thought i wanted to avoid.

+
Friday, Nov. 25, 2005 - 1:26 am
+ don't wanna be you know, there's always that one couple that makes you feel like shit. not because they actually do it themselves... but because no matter what, they forgive each other... and you know that they will likely always stay that way...

among everything else that i'm trying to do right now to change and evolve into something better... something in me still feels as though i'm missing out on something. even though i don't really want to love anyone at this point... i feel like i have to... even if it means going against what i truly want...

why do i have to feel like that, no matter how hard i try not to? i don't want to feel like this. i don't want to be like this. i want to be able to stand on my own and not feel like i'm missing something by being alone...

..and as though i'll end up that way forever?

+
Thursday, Nov. 24, 2005 - 4:57 pm
+ got that string around my finger and then she suddently realizes that, no matter what, those two will always find a way to make up... even if premature, only to fight and make up again within a few days -hours even. gritting her teeth, she decides it better that she go lay down and catch up on the sleep that she didn't get the previous night...

..to dream of what she will never have, while she watches and hears of it happening for someone she cares about so much that she can't help but feel hapoy for them.. yet sorry for herself because it's always just beyond her reach.

if only i, too, could have the world on a string.

+
Thursday, Nov. 24, 2005 - 1:27 pm
+ looking through your eyes i got a bit remiss in changing it to five entries on the page... and it'll be too much work to change it. just know that there are eight on the previous page instead of five. check them out.

this is sounding more and more like a break up for them the more i read and the more i hear...

yanno, most holidays are jaded now. thanksgiving was already since mom's birthday is on saturday. the forth of july is forever goign to be remembered as the day elsbe's mom lost it. new year's is hell, inherently going back to christmas as well because of connie. donnie died on/around halloween. only thing i've got left is easter, and i'm barely even christian again, if i can even be called that yet.

i'm scared for her. i'm scared for the pain she may end up enduring... and for the pain she's already endured in the last couple of days. i wish i could do more for her... but i can't really. i can offer a place to run to, comfort, and someone to call when she's in tears, but that's all i can really do. and the offer of getting snockered tonight after work if she wants.

..i have to leave now... stupid family holidays... guh. i'm so totally leaving early.. eating and running. perfect excuse: working on ashley's computer. yay.

+

+ why does distance make us wise +