Wednesday, Nov. 30, 2005 - 9:07 am
+ you'll never be good enough bolded parts are about me..

Bind (bind) my limbs with fear (fear)
Choke me with tears (tears)
I won't die for you

You've (you've) been here before (before)
And come back for more (more)
But not this time

You will never be strong enough
You will never be good enough
You were never conceived in love
You will not rise above

Somebody tell me what made us all believe you
I should have known all along it was all a lie
(Should have known it was all a lie)

Now (now) I know the truth (truth)
I'm through fearing you (you)
And I am free

You will never be strong enough
You will never be good enough
You were never conceived in love
You will not rise above

Somebody tell me what made us all believe you
I should have known all along it was a lie
(Should have known it was all a lie)

Somebody tell me what made us all believe you
I should have known all along it was all a lie
Somebody tell me what made us all believe you
I should have known it was all a lie
I should have known it was all a lie

+
Tuesday, Nov. 29, 2005 - 10:55 am
+ why can't i forget you, and start my life anew tired and restless with no one around to talk to, and i've got two hours of it left.

guh.

elsbe and i were talking last night on the ride back to her house after taking aaron home... and i realised that i really am missing out on a lot. i wish i knew exactly what i wanted to do with my life the way that she does now... even though she's changed a lot because of it. he told me all about the future life she wishes to have, that is entirely possible for her, with aaron no less... and i suddenly felt empty and hollow... not quite numb, because there was enough feeling to hurt, but close enough to it.

what is is exactly that i want from life? i don't want kids as of right now, and i'm not sure that will ever change. a wife eventually? illegal in the state of kansas, but doesn't necessarily have to be a legal/illegal issue. i know that i'm not ready for everything to happen right now... she could be though. and i wish i had that, but i can't, because i'm not actually ready to be with someone for forever yet. right now i can barely take care of myself and my friends, let alone someone to be with for all of my tomorrows.

i know she didn't intend on any of what she said to hurt me -she was doing a tired ramble of happiness upon being with aaron for a while- but it did nonetheless. i don't blame her, but i see a majority of my friends set in their lives and knowing exactly what they want to be doing ten years from now... when i only just realized what i hope to be doing last week, and it's not even possible yet.

i don't know how to change my current situation... nor can i figure it out on my own, opposed to what everyone else thinks right now. if i could, i would have a long time ago. but... i'm trying nonetheless... just hurting a lot along the way, and having to hide it when with people to save face -apparantly the adult thing to do.

+
Monday, Nov. 28, 2005 - 10:38 am
+ i'm a bitch, i'm a tease, i'm a goddess on my knees i'm a goddamn mean fucking asshole, and i don't even realize it until after it's done. especially in relations with others... i didn't know what to expect, i found out, and i found out that i'm more a bitch than i thought.

...

i have to go pick up elsbe now.

+
Monday, Nov. 28, 2005 - 3:44 am
+ you know who you are it's almost four in the morning, and i have to be up no later than eight twenty. and you know what? i'm not exactly sure why i'm still awake...

..but i think it might have something to do with you.

when asked how i feel about you, i can't really say because everything is so muddled and confusing while at the same time comfortable and safe.

no matter what i may say at any time, i'm not sure what i want. i'm really not. i know tat i don't want to end up hurting you, above all, but from what i can tell that may end up happening anyway either now or... who knows how long from now...

i'm struggling with the thought of having what seemingly will end up a temporary happiness, or just leaving well enough alone. and i know that we discussed that before but... i still don't know what to make of it... right now, feelings have come about that haven't been there for months... maybe even a year or two. i've forgotten how to read them, or whether or not i even learned in the first place.

first and foremost, i want to make sure that i'm not gonna end up losing one of my best friends along the way. i'm not sure what would happen if sometime that all disappeared.

second... i don't want to hurt you if i meet someone who's closer. even though you say you understand, i know that's not necessarily true... i remember a time when i pleaded with someone because i thoguht that i couldn't be hurt by it when she met someone else who was "better" than i was, when in fact i all but grieved for a couple of months before moving on. mind you that might have happened either way, but i really don't think it would have been as severe had we not been "together" for a while before then. if i'm really that much like you, you're bound to be the same way.

third... i feel just as awkward on the phone as you do, lol. i try NOT to ramble the way that i do to you, because i find it annoying. and if i annoy myself, i'm sure that i'm annoying other people, and i just wanna curl up in a ball and not exist a while. i begin to wonder what it'd be like if we were in front of each other if we're both that awkward when we're talking on the phone and not online. could lead to some rather interesting experiences, lol.

lastly, i've never known how it feels to have someone like me, let alone as much as you do. there was rachel, but... that apparantly fizzled in a way i hadn't expected just when i'd caught up with her -and likely surpassed her. i'm scared of something like that happening again, and one or both of us hurting entirely too much.

at this point, i'm tempted to say we should just stop thinking and see what happens.. i can guarantee you that i'll be slower about some things -hopefully you know what i mean- but... i'm willing to try. you're right, i shouldn't let it slip if there's a chance there, yanno?

so... let's see what happens. whaddya say?

+
Saturday, Nov. 26, 2005 - 3:59 pm
+ and i'm about to break it finally happened. i completely and totally cracked. elsbe was going off on me about the same things she went off on me about the other day, and it just... happened. i came unglued.

..it was actually not nearly as bad as i thoguht it would be, but it wasn't pretty.

first, there was yelling. of course, always the first defense. and then came the drive to work.

...

yes, her car is dead again. at best. anyway.

next, hysterical tears. and attempting to explain. it's been only two days or so since we had that fight, and there hasn't been much room for me to change yet. i've been catching up on my lack of sleep, and i've been chatting with people to keep myself sane while awake. dad doesn't get paid again for a week, so i haven't been able to get gas to go get applications, or to get essentials for the house like ziplocs or milk or eggs or anything more. not to mention, he hasn't let me do the shopping and doesn't make lists before he goes shopping.

last part, affection and hopefulness. she said she was sorry and i could tell she meant it... but had to go in to work. she said she might be able to get out early if she fakes sick, though aaron's picking her up and hopefully helping to fix her car... and gave me hope that she might be able to stay over tonight, if not just come over. i'm truly hoping she can... though for some reason or another i'm thinking she probably can't knowing how quiktrip works.

..julie just called, she's feeling crappy. need to bring over the bottle of 7up we've had hoarded away for when someone's sick -even though the carbon is likely gone. ::sigh::

and thus i go for now...

+

+ why does distance make us wise +