Wednesday, Dec. 07, 2005 - 4:19 pm
+ why can't he be the man (she) see(s) inside? you know... i watch the way that you two end up fighting with each other and the effects of said fighting, and it's getting dumber and dumber. the fact that she always has to be the one to say she's sorry first or to initiate conversation after a fight is not fair and very, very stupid. the way that it is, from what i've seen, is that everything is always someone else's fault and not yours. if something is your fault, you deflect it to someone else, every time. in the end, a long time after it's all said and done, you'll end up saying something about "i was wrong", but not until it's been a while. and i'm not sure why you're that way... but you need to snap out of it. because you're hurting not only yourself, but her with this.

what's even more dumb is the fact that NONE of this fighting has been done in person or with voices. it's been all through xangas or text messages or something like that. hell, last night, i took elsbe out to dinner to get her mind OFF of all of this, but even THAT got taken away because you guys were fighting or "arguing" or whatever the hell through the entire time, until late last night, depriving both of you of the sleep you need for school or homework or something like that.

..suck it up, be a man, and call her. because she shouldn't have to always be the man.

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Wednesday, Dec. 07, 2005 - 1:45 am
+ i wanna know what love is apparantly, my little spot in this space isn't quite as unrevealed as i had hoped... and i've helped to flare up some more anger. why not?

gur.

in other news, i only need about fifty dollars, and i can buy someone's zen touch, which is basically equivilant to an ipod 4th generation. that makes me happy inside. before i took elsbe and julie out for dinner i would have only needed twenty dollars... but they both deserved it.

my eyes were scarily dialated all day today... they've just returned back to normal. stupid eye doctor appointments. roar.

and now i go to bed. because meg is bribing me with alcohol to do so. dammit, i was gonna write more..

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Monday, Dec. 05, 2005 - 12:17 pm
+ this is the last song so... elsbe is probably breaking up with aaron. unless he grovels in a way that i've never known him to grovel before, which i definitely don't see happening. at this point, i'm holding my breath for his next phone call, because that is when it is to happen... and i'm preparing to immediately shift into overdrive of "i'm gonna be right here for you right now" mode for elsbe. i guess a lot of little things finally built up and built up in a grand crescendo that climaxed last night in his being late for her concert and missing most of her choir's act.

i can see where someone from the outside looking in would say that it's something relativley stupid to break up over, but at the same time, there's a lot of things leading into it. they'd been fighting over responsibility and his lack thereof, and it was basically the personification of what elsbe all but knew would happen the moment she trusted him to get somewhere on his own, or be respoinsible enough to do soemthing without her there.

i can't really talk, i've been one to slack off about things i've been told to do... but there's a difference since she's not, like, wanting to marry me or anything -plus, i'm working on that as we speak. if i weren't at umkc right now, i'd be working on dishes and the cat boxes.

but right now, an old friend is on aim, so i'm going to go talk to ehr and wait for elsbe to get here after her conducting final.

..she's right. every time she has something major for school, she and aaron fight and she ends up less able to concentrate and such.

look. proof to my testament that all men are stupid and things.

..go lesbian. i'll be waiting for it. =D

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Monday, Dec. 05, 2005 - 1:59 am
+ a lovestruck romeo i'm not truly updating until i'm for sure about what i need to say... and i won't know until after something else happens... so for now, you get to know what empire records character i identify closely with. deal with it.

Sensitive and artistic. You're as nice as they come, but a little on the defensive and jealous side. You yearn for what you (think) you can't have, but you're willing to take a risk to get it. Once you've put yourself out there, however, you don't deal with it well. Your sense of timing, however cute that 1:37 thing was, is really off. Once you learn to not be so singularly focused, you'll be more susceptable to cues.
Which Empire Records Character Are You? Find out @ She's Crafty

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Friday, Dec. 02, 2005 - 4:37 am
+ i won't go, i won't sleep... i'm tired of taking my sleep wherever i can get it instead of night, and i'm not sure how i can change that fact. five hours of sleep during the day, and at almost five in the morning, i'm looking at none tonight/this morning.

and i hate how i keep saying and thinking that i don't want to love, and then i wish for someone to fall for again.

i just ate dinner about a half hour ago. at four in the morning. yes, four am in the morning, i ate dinner. because i didn't get around to it before, for some reason or another.

this whole changing thing isn't as easy as i thoguht it would be... and the whole getting a job thing seems harder than it ever was before for some reason or another, and i have no idea what i've got to do to end up with one. part of this has to do with my impecable timing of going to look more seriously -right after most places have hired their seasonal help and won't be looking again for a few months. then of course there's all the household crap that's creeping up on me... that dad and elsbe keep getting on to me about... but that i've had no motivation to do. i keep planning on it, but it all remins untouched -mainly because when i'm going to do it, i end up napping.

::sigh::

winter is a horrible season. it's freezing, keeps me in the house 'cause of the cold and sometimes snow... the extra gas needed to get the truck going in the winter, the excess money spent on the holidays when people should appreciate each other thruout the year and not just at the end of it... the lights on the plaza and how they're just the most romantic thing on the face of the earth if you're with the right person walking through all of it... the nights spent by fireplaces or under blankets on couches with everyone but me...

yanno, i feel sorry for everyone who reads this crap. because all i end up talking about is how confused i am, how i wish i had a girlfriend, but at the same time i don't want anything like that right now... but it's all i feel i need... how i don't sleep at night because of thinking of all of this all the damn time, with no hope of fixing it myself, but having to do so somehow.

i've had all of these ideas in my head for new writings, creative ones... centraled around anya -post-jordan, of course. but i can't get any of them down on paper or typed on screen before they dash away. i feel like i could even feel better upon getting some of that written out if i can't find anything else to satiate my need to be creative, or not lonely... if i write, i feel like i'm not alone, yanno? singing brings all of the loneliness to me in a way that it never has before, though i love it... if i'm alone, it hurts... and i've no one to sing to. so i want to write and make up a world around me that may or may not really be there so i feel like i'm not sitting in this room on this part of the couch alone watching romantic comedies by myself at five in the morning when in all actuality... i am.

winter is in fact horrible. horrible, indeed.

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+ why does distance make us wise +