Saturday, Dec. 10, 2005 - 4:39 pm
+ it seems like everyone's in love with everyone but me alone again tonight
without someone to love
the stars are shining bright
so one more wish goes up
oh, i wish i may
and i wish with all my might
for the love i'm dreaming of
and missing in my life

you'd think that i could find
a true love of my own
it happens all the time
to people that i know
their wishes all come true
so i've got to believe
there's still someone out there who
is meant for only me

i guess i must be wishin'
on someone else's star
it seems like someone else
keeps gettin' what i'm wishin' for
why can't i be as lucky
as those other people are
oh, i guess i must be wishin'
on someone else's star

i sit here in the dark
and stare up at the sky
but i can't give my heart
one good reason why
everywhere i look
it's lovers that i see
seems like everyone's in love
with everyone but me

i guess i must be wishin'
on someone else's star
it seems like someone else
keeps gettin' what i'm wishin' for
why can't i be as lucky
as those other people are
oh, i guess i must be wishin'
on someone else's star

why can't i be as lucky
as those other people are
oh, i guess i must be wishin'
on someone else's star
someone else's star // bryan white

+
Saturday, Dec. 10, 2005 - 4:24 pm
+ i hate, you hate yanno, it was almost getting better before they started fighting so much and things... and now it's like being with a couple who's only been together for like a week or two again.

...

i'm not sure i can take this...

they're sitting over there on the floor and being all clingy and kissy and sweet... while we're watching a romantic comedy... and i'm just... i'm...

unable to block out the kissy noises and getting jealous with the firey red passion that i've never felt before in my entire life, and i'm not sure if i want to scream, cry, kiss someone for the rest of my life, or curl up in a fetal ball and just die.

...

i can't take it. i really, really can't.

+
Saturday, Dec. 10, 2005 - 12:49 am
+ just come and set me free, baby, and i'll be with you i hate the way that my really good, perky, bouncy moods can just totally die when someone says something to me a certain way... "no, don't do that yet, just wait for ____. i'm not gonna make any promises, don't expect it, etc."

it's my own fault, really. i'm not sure why i keep doing this to myself, because i know in the back of my mind what will probably be said... but the message won't go anywhere else until after the blow is dealt. what's worse, the fact that the person/people in question don't even really know that they end up "causing" this, then i'm all defeated by the end of the conversation and dejectedly hang up the phone. and what's even worse is the fact that it's not their fault, it's my own.

i need to grow up and not hope for so much, but i'm not sure how to go about doing that.

...

for now, i'm gonna go pull chicken off of bones and mix it in with my little alfredo noodles and eat it for my extremely late dinner/late midnight snack. ::sigh:: it'd been requested that i save some for someone, but i'd prefer she have fresh... wish she could come for sure when i make it again tomorrow night, but know she probably won't be able to.

someone make this stop. because i keep doing this to myself and it hurts too much to do it again.

+
Friday, Dec. 09, 2005 - 3:36 pm
+ i hate everything about you i'm tired of watching everything work out for everyone else around me, and then everything falling apart for me.

elsbe and aaron are back together. i don't see them ever fucking breaking up cause neither has the heart to hurt the other. thus "the couple" will again be around...

some dickhead in a bmw was suck on a turn yesterday and refused mine and elsbe's help to get him out, and blocked my way for another five minutes...

the drums thus far aren't being sold, as the buyer who was to come get them tomorrow has changed her mind out of nowhere quite suddenly with little notice.

i can no longer buy christmas gifts and save whatever's left for myself.

the job i was supposed to go to yesterday was too far away for me to want to brave the weather, otherwise i would have totally gone.

the $50 i was saving slowly turned into $8, though it's up to $28 since elsbe payed me back for some stuff... and i feel horrible for her having to do that...

dad came home, found the checkbook he thought he lost, sat down to write a check, and told me that there's house cleaning to be done... so i went in the kitchen and started literally throwing things into the dishwasher, then came back out here when elsbe was leaving... sat in the car with her as it warmed up and had to get out sooner than i had hoped. destroyed and threw a quiktrip cup since they're the rat bastards who keep taking her away as soon as we start talking.

came in, started dishes again, quit dishes again for fear of breaking them, went in elsbe's room and screamed and cried...

..and came back here. to write. though this isn't relaly useful for any of you... it is for me...

..doesn't change the fact that i hate everything right now... that i can't get christmas presents... that people are jerk offs in general... that i'm always alone when i break...

+
Wednesday, Dec. 07, 2005 - 6:27 pm
+ i want to understand yanno, it confuses me how one motherfucking phone call can seemingly make everything alright when two people have been avoiding each other for two days.

and thus, it pisses me off. because everything that has happened for the past two days has just motherfucking been erased by one goddamn phone call. it makes no sense! why are you gonna stay with someone who you fight with like that and have to avoid and who you can keep calling an asshole or a dickhead or a jerkoff or something like that. eight months isn't really all that long of a time... and to be perfectly frank, he hasn't been worth your time as of late, because ALL YOU CAN DO IS EITHER SLEEP TOEGETHER OR FIGHT WITH EACH OTHER!!!!!!!!!!!!

i guess i'll never be able to understand. at least not until i "love someone with all of my being and want to be with them forever", because i sure as hell haven't found any candidates for that position yet, and that's apparantly what it takes. which is fucking dumb.

i hate all of this. it doesn't fucking make any sense AT ALL! NO SENSE! AT ALL! EVER!

one phone call can save the world... pass it on...

+

+ why does distance make us wise +