Friday, Dec. 16, 2005 - 3:17 am
it's not just the job thing that's getting to me. that last part? the description of things falling apart just as i've fixed them again? that's been going on for about a year now... and i don't know how much longer i can take it. it hurts.
i am indeed happy for her... but at the same time, it does indeed feel unjust to me. it's not her fault, she didn't think she'd get it... even though i knew she would. she has the personality and the receptionist history for her mom.
she apologized to me a lot... and that does mean something to me... i'm just beyond that kind of fixing right now, much to my dismay...
murr...
i need a plushie and chocolate and a happy movie that's not about love. and maybe snuggle buddy.
i think i'm going to go look for plushies... as the main thing i've wanted for christmas thus far is like two hundered dollars... need to find SOMETHING cheap for my friends, heh...
i'm number than i've been in over a year. this is strange.
edit 3:48 am
-OMG THIS ONE IS GORGEOUS I THINK I'M IN LOVE AND HE'S SO CHEAP SO FAR!!!
-two feet, bengal. pretty. nice sleeping size ^^.
-cutie that looks really comfy, hehe.
-kinda weird looking, but allegedly soft?
+ then elsbe applies. she had her interview around two on wednesday, and things went well for her too... and he told her that her phone call would be sometime between seven and eight. understandable, he had more people to call back by that point, so it's not a problem. neither of us receive calls. bastard. so, i went on my merry way with chris today christmas shopping -i for elsbe, he for his girlfriend, sister, and dad. everything's cool, and elsbe asks every now and then if i've gotten a call back or something... that she got a call and has been trying to call back but the phone has been busy. and i'm thinking "alright, maybe he'll get to me later or something. it's all good." came home, hid elsbe's presents in my room, she came to get her belt for work. she leaves for work, i fart around online for a while and go take a nap since i got very little sleep the night before... ..and i get up a little before seven thirty, then elsbe calls me from her cell phone. strange, she works until ten. she got off work early... alright... she's gonna go see aaron for a while, then come over and watch music of the heart with me since i learned that it's directed by wes craven... which is weird. she tells me that i have all right to be furious with her. ..she got the job. ... mind you, it could have easily been someone else... but i know her. she's my best friend in the world, and my sister. and i actually had been quite excited... but i knew from the moment that she applied that she would get it... she spent twenty minutes on the phone with him on her initial call, when i got less than ten. intimate details of his life -his sister's a mssage therapist, and so on. and i'm crushed. and crying hysterically. for the next few HOURS. kristen consoles me, ashley tells me not to take elsbe's shit, gwen says some friend she is, gramma says to pack her stuff and put it on the porch, deb listens to whatever the hell i ramble on about for a while... and again later on for like two hours... it's really not fair, in my eyes. she has a job that pays even more than that one... works fewer days a week... i'll admit that working at quiktrip is harder, but she already had that job. i haven't had a job... not a legitimate one, at least. i need to be able to pay for myself and sustain myself... she can already do that. ... i'm trying not to cry again. around ten, she calls and tells me that her car won't start and that she's getting a ride HOME from aaron. i asked if she needed a ride tomorrow, and she totally goes off on me because i was bitching? and the hysterical tears start again, because i have no idea why i'm getting yelled at... ..as dad walks through the door and has no idea what to do with me, so he hands me a twenty and tells me to get gas and dinner. murr. we talked a little bit... though i still sounded cold. and i'm getting a feeling i still will when i see her to take her to work in the morning... to take her to the place that i WON'T be working... where i'd HOPED to be working... PRAYED even... that's the third interview i've ever had. first being for quiktrip when they had open fucking interviews, second being for papa johns when i ended up working for agoddamn unpaid day. ... when she told me, i hung up on her. and she called me back. and for the first time ever, her voice grated on my nerves in such a way that i wanted to hurt something. it was the last thing that i wanted to hear at that time... and i felt horrible for it at the same time, because this is still the same person that i've shared the past few years of my life with... but i couldn't take it. that's another reason for the crying. grrrr... it's like... i build everything up all around me and think that it's alright again, and then it all comes falling down all around me. just when i think i'm finished agian, i realize i'm holding a small piece that belongs on the bottom, have enough time to look at it and think oh shit.. and then it all comes crashing down even harder than before... some things even breaking on the way down. and then finally... everything's sorted out the way that it should be, everything looks great, and it's fine for a few hours....... and it all comes falling down hard on top of my head.
+ i'm straight. i love penis. gimme gimme gimme. i'm not saying this to make others happy. not in the least. i'm saying this because... well, i am, and i do. bear in mind that i am indeed extremely liberal and always will be -never shall i tear apart various parts of religious history to suit my own purposes or needs or anything like that, because that is wrong in my eyes. if i go to hell because of my lifestyle... then so be it, but i'll know that i've lived my life to the fullest. by the by, yes i do indeed still havy my pentacle. and i will continue to have it and wear it at times... because i do indeed see it as a form of protection. my religion and my spirituality differ in many ways... but blend perfectly for me and the way that i've thought it should be for quite some time. ... there. chew on that for a while.
+ two) though i generally don't say much about it, i truly would like to get married one day. and not just saying that i'm married, but actually marrying a girl i love. it'd be wonderful if i didn't have to leave the state of kansas or missouri to do it, but if i must, then so be it. i want to be able to do so without having to make special considerations for sensitive friends and family, and without having to travel as far as massachusetts. likely not going to happen, but still. three) one of my favourite anime is azumanga daioh. heh. four) i sincerely do feel at least somewhat responsible for my mother's death, and regret not being around her more. that's another reason why i wanted a laptop computer so badly, because i can work on whatever i'm working on while in the living room instead of being confined to one room all the time the way that i was before... and can shut it off more often to do other stuff. five) i'm not sure that i really like who i am at this point... and i'm trying to change that. you all already heard of me trying to change... but i'm really trying to do it more for myself rather than for elsbe contrary to popular thought. i don't like how i'm depressed again, or how i'm always lonely. i realize i have a problem, i'm just not positive as to how to fix it yet. i'm trying daily, whether it's seen or not. and to be honest, i'm still doing a lot more internal work than external. and i might not be changing as fast as you may have hoped, but it's happening... it'll take a lot of time and patience, but i'll be different in the end. six) i have no regrets for the past year and a half. though i may have dicked around in school, i learned more than i normally would have learned in a classroom; i learned thorugh my lack of an english class what i want to become, and have figured out what i need to do to get there. all i need is a job at this point to be able to pay for a few classes and to get that car before i get to try to go to umkc... and i know i can make it there, it'll just take more work than i've been willing to give before. as elsbe said, i'm really supposed to tag someone else to do this as well... but i figure if you see this entry, you're tagged. so there -go for it on your own.
+ so, the food night died. julie brought rue, so inherently elsbe brought aaron -this is after both of them being with her family all night, so they've been fighting and continue fighting and she's in a grumpy mood and i'm pissy because of taco bell totally ignoring me -another story in a minute- and because i made plans and they, as always, fell apart. to be honest, i was hoping for a girls' night, 'cause those don't get to happen so often anymore. i've got some chicken in there and some milk in there that have to be used asap, so i figured i could cook for at least me and elsbe, julie if she could... it was somewhat arranged, and it just totally came undone. and there was nothing i could do about it. i'd really needed to be able to do that for some reason... and that being taken away broke me somehow/somewhere. i'm not sure how to fix it. oh, i went into taco bell to get something for dad. the guy taking orders watched me walk in, there was no one else there in line, and there was no one at the drive thru. thus, i was the only person in general. i stood there five minutes with no service... thus, i walked out pissedly and somehow slammed the door behind me. i hope i broke something. ::sigh:: i can't get past the feeling of being left out somehow... with them around all the time, demanding alone time that they keep opting out of to have me there too, and seeing them all close and cuddly and kissy and everything that a couple is. and it kills me inside... and i know i've said it a lot lately, but as i've said before, winter is my horrible time of year -especially after it's snowed, because that makes it official, even if it's not by the calander yet. deb was kinda right. i do need some serious real-time attention time... even if it's just someone listening to me for a while, or watching a movie, or something. most everyone, if not everyone, is busy right now... so that's kinda hard to do... and i feel like i'm being demanding when i ask someone to come hang out or something for a while with little to no reasoning for them to do so aside from "because i want/need you to". ..i guess i'm just finally feeling how i should be different. because no matter what, if someone says they need me... i drop what i'm doing and go to them. most everyone else can't or won't do that... so i guess i should start picking times to do the same thing, right? ....no, i can't do that to someone...... i'm sorry to all reading this, because i'm sure this make no sense to you... but i need this here. and i need it to be public... in case someone does understand it, because then they might understand what i've been trying to reach out for so often lately. i'm tired of breaking... and i'm tired of being alone every time i do. time for bed... elsbe and aaron are here, so i better go pass out now, 'cause who knows when i'll end up waking up in the morning to giggling or whatever... ..i'm not trying to be bitter or anything, i was stating fact... ..awh, forget it. i'm just gonna go to sleep and hope for the best... hope that i don't get yelled at for that statement, even though i didn't mean it in a mean way or anything like that... hope that the idea for tomorrow gets to pan out this time... for tomorrow reference, so it's in writing somewhere, as she did indeed say it was a good idea:
+ i will, but i feel the need to say this, because i get a feeling that the previous post will be taken the wrong way...
because i'm just that kinda pthetitic... and because this might actually make me feel better if someone were to actually do it, heh..:
Friday, Dec. 16, 2005 - 2:52 am
+ i've become so numb, i can't feel you there i had a job interview on tuesday... and i was actually quite excited about it. phone receptionist position starting at eight dollars an hour... something that i could so totally do. it's basically taking calls and entering date from said calls -not that big of a deal. i go to the interview, it goes relatively well, and i'm told that i will get a phone call either way between four and five on wednesday.
Thursday, Dec. 15, 2005 - 1:53 am
+ i've got another confession to make ok... so here's something to shake your world... or something.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
no, seriously? that's not it. i love girls more than you'll ever know, haha. though i am indeed going to mention something else that's somewhat earthshattering or something like that, at least to some people i know.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
i... am a christian of no denomination, with an extremely open mind, and with a smattering of beliefs from various viewpoints. i believe in a heaven and a hell, i believe in jesus, god, in some cases jesusgod, and a devil. i'm very much not in practice, and haven't been for a *very* long time... though have been within the past year in times of crisis and in.. more intimate moments, heh.
Wednesday, Dec. 14, 2005 - 6:59 pm
+ dirty little secret one) i hate using the actual numbers instead of just typing them out. i have a thing about that, and i know not why... i just don't like using them. i'm weird like that.
Sunday, Dec. 11, 2005 - 2:02 am
+ lights will guide you home i... have a lot of things i need to work out, and no matter how hard i try, i can't actually do it. i just feel shitty, and it seems progressively shittier no matter what i do about it. people keep telling me that i need to fix it myself... but i don't know how, or it would have been done already. i don't *like* being like this all the time, really i don't. 1) elsbe and aaron hang out a bit,
2) aaron go home,
3) elsbe go home to work on voice,
4) elsbe come back so we can watch that movie and
5) get it back.
::sigh::
really bedding this time. g'night...
+
+ why does distance make us wise +
