i went to bed last night with a strawberry daquiri seagrams. that was nice to knock me out.

kristen, julie, elsbe and i got together for our gift exchange today. it was fun... lots of tissue paper fighting, and tossing skittles into julie's mouth. that, and we all sang joy to the world... and i took the alto part out of habit. and it sounded good. and elsbe played guitar for that and some other songs, and for just learning this semester she's doing pretty well.

we figured out the cell phone bill... and it was indeed supposed to be that high. next month, we start with a new rate plan. elsbe's goes down because it's a higher plan, so extra lines beyond the first two cost even less. dads and mine go up more, but that's fine. it's much less than the $400 we're paying each month now... it's even less than $150, which is beautiful.

right now, i'm happy in having two new video games from kristen, and watching the phantom of the opera on hbo. i think i'll work on playing good king wincenslaus on the guitar, as i figured out the melody line for it randomly earlier... and the first couple of lines to jingle bell rock.

i'm much happier than yesterday... by far. today's been great. and i hope it stays that way.

HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVE EVERYONE!
(note the green and red for this entry... heh heh. i hate using crap like that, but it's christmas for jesus' sake.)

+
Friday, Dec. 23, 2005 - 12:16 pm
+ two beds and a coffee machine gwen showed up. started to go off on me and said sorry, that she just wanted to see what happened. then proceeded to go off on me for the doors not being locked post-theft attempt. and i did what any mature adult would do...

..i ran into the house and ignored absolutely everything she was saying, slammed the front door, and went in my room and leaned on the door so no one could get in.

she came in and proceeded to go off on elsbe. gwen started yelling, about when elsbe's voice started getting a little bit louder i came out. gwen had leaned down to elsbe who was sitting on the floor and was screaming at her, and said that she wanted to strangle her. thus, elsbe stood up and started screaming right back. and again, i did what any adult would do...

..screamed louder than i ever have in my entire life for them to stop and that it wasn't doing any fucking good, that what's done is done, and that it might've happened either way 'cause of the way that i've seen them at umkc and heard of them at kckcc.gwen persisted that it definitely wouldn't have happened had the doors been locked. she and elsbe continued screaming, and i screamed even louder, completely blowing my voice out in doing so, and gwen left slamming the door.

thus, i go in my room and slam the door, leaning on it and crying more hysterically and screaming and bawling and beating on my door. i think i broke it. elsbe came to my door and i heard her voice falter... and i came out and hugged her upon her saying that she took off work today to help me and that it was some way for me to show appreciation by shutting myself in my room.

ended up curled up in a landa ball on the floor in the hallway outside my room with elsbe standing there patting my hair and telling me that everything will be alright.

my voice is gone. i don't want anyone to talk to me unless they're gonna be supportive, and i don't want anyone to touch me aside from people i trust.

my head is throbbing, and i'm shaking. i need to go.

+
Friday, Dec. 23, 2005 - 11:06 am
+ don't know what i'm gonna do i got home at around oneish last night... went to bed around three soemthing because i needed to take elsbe's mom to work this morning.

um... yeah. i got up this morning, got dressed, all that fun stuff, was about to leave on time, went out to the truck...

..and my steering wheel was sitting in my front seat. my visor was gone, from what i could see at that point, including all of my cds aside form three that had been put in the seat, and the entire fucking center console was completely missing, including my radio. opening the passenger door, elsbe's open briefcase fell out onto my feet, and some uno cards flew out. her purse was empty.

in shock and hysteria, i called her mom to tell her that i'd be late and was going in dad's truck, told her what was going on, and left. called dad's cell phone to get his voice mail and left a message. called gramma... who in turn apparantly told gwen.

elsbe called the cops. took me home, took her mom and aunt to her mom's office.

i sat outside since elsbe had my keys, called people. gwen called me and decided to tell me that it's all my fault because i left the doors open.

..if i hadn't, we'd be replacing windows AND a steering column.

see, i'm used to the way it is at umkc. i've seen ALL WINDOWS broken out and EVERYTHING missing from someone's car. so, i leave the doors unlocked and take everything valuable with me. if they're gonna take it, might as well just open the door and do it instead of breaking even more stuff that we can't afford.

gwen called back and told me she got a hold of dad and that he'd be calling.

elsbe called gwen. asked her calmly not to go off on me at this point. gwen went off on her screaming and hung up on her. called her back, went off more, and elsbe totally blew up. apparantly. this is all while elsbe's not back yet. gwen says she has no right to say anything when elsbe's the one here with me and gwen's the one sitting there blaming me.

dad subtly went off. i have no car for months.

it's two days before christmas. i can't take this. i'm not going with my family for christmas anymore.

take away my cell phone and my ability to leave this house whenever i want, and what am i anymore? i mean seriously, what?

[edit] i remembered i have a digicam. thus the proofy pictures and such... yeah... i'm gonna go die now or something.

+
Friday, Dec. 23, 2005 - 1:22 am
+ call me so... dad totally went off on me when i got through the door. because of the cell phone bill. because i can somehow apparantly do something about it... and he was going off as though i haven't been applying to at least three places a day, or anything like that.

he totally and completely killed the joy that i felt from elsbe giving me the ren and stimpy show uncut, seasons one and two for christmas.

...

he throws in randomly that he's probably still depressed and always will be and all that crap... as though i'm not.

i still don't understand why you never went to a doctor for that. you should have.
because i called our insurance and they said that there was only one person covered that was too far away from here for it to be worth it, and it doesn't matter anyway since i'm not covered anymore now.
you still should have gone.

...

yanno, i finally ran out of tears and such... now i just feel like dying or something. because then he wouldn't be telling me the same damn things over and over and over and going off when i say that he's told me the exact same thing before.

everyone, savour me having a cell phone whil eyou still can. it'll be gone soon.

+
Thursday, Dec. 22, 2005 - 7:18 pm
+ i'm dying to know

email sent to a reputable cell phone company just now...

and that's all i have to say about that.

+

+ why does distance make us wise +