Thursday, Dec. 29, 2005 - 2:50 am
+ give us faith so we'll be safe i believe that i have just befriended a neighbourhood kitty.
i went to take out the trash, and saw a figure moving in the dark. i looked over and saw four little white feet running away from me, and once they were across the street, i saw the rest of a long haired tuxedo kitty, watching me with fascination. i got the trash out, and came back to the house, standing at the front door for a second. my internal debate was to go against my dad's wishes and feed this poor guy/girl, or leave it there sitting in wonder.
..naturally, i went into the kitchen for a small, disposable bowl, filled it with kitty food, and took it out by the tree nearest to my house. penguin (yes, i named it. sue me, it's easier to keep track of that way in writing) had walked back across the street, but darted back once s/he saw me come back outside. i shook the food bowl and slowly walked over to the tree, and saw that penguin hadn't run as far across the street as before and was merely standing by the curb. while walking back to the house i turned back to see if s/he had moved, and i saw the first tenative step back across the street.
walking back inside, i saw storm and sango waiting for me next to the door. sango looked at me rather indignantly and walked away, while storm kept eye contact as if to say i don't understand, what'd you do that for? in answering his silent question, i ran my hand down his back and kneeled down to peer out of the front window with him -where he had stationed himself for the night previously- to watch penguin come back. as s/he got closer to the house i heard storm start a belly growl, but then scratched him on the head. he turned to look at me, and i swear he understood that it was alright, that it was the right thing in sharing their food. we watched that cat eat as though it hadn't eaten in days, and how it kept looking around suddenly from one side to the other, as though someone were to come and take its food away. and i realized that dry cat food could leave a body parched.
i went and got another small bowl and nearly filled it with water. storm pawed at the front door handle, and i patted his head and opened it myself, grinning to myself. upon doing so, penguin quickly brought her/his head up and locked eyes with me. he started backing away, and was quickly across the street once again. with the water bowl next to the food bowl, i came back toward the house and looked back at her/him. our eyes met again as penguin started the walk back across the street, and i saw the look of a distinct and much appreciative thank you emitting from his eyes.
again, i came back in and knelt by the window with storm. by this time, he was slightly purring, but still infatically watching penguin as s/he ate and drank in alteration. s/he's still sitting by the tree, and storm is still sitting there peering out of the front window. he's such a nice guy, i wish more could be like him -especially humans.
it breaks my heart to see the sadness that appears ever present in penguin's eyes. it seems as though no one has shown that sort of kindness to her/him in quite a while, if ever. i plan on continuing to feed penguin and provide clean and fresh water, because who knows where else s/he's getting food and water from? i can't let penguin inside, but i can try to help as much as i can from here.
maybe one day we'll actually meet each other and i might be able to pet or play with penguin, and maybe not. but i'll know that penguin always has a place to run to for the bare necessities in a street cat's life, and i hope that penguin knows that s/he is welcome by our tree... maybe one day on our porch, regardless of what the dogs say.
it's moments like this that make me both happy and sad inside, and that remind me that there's still reason to be good to others... because one day, i might be penguin.
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Tuesday, Dec. 27, 2005 - 11:55 pm
+ you'll never be good enough i was gonna tell you that i'm gonna get your stuff in the mail tomorrow or thursday, that i got a bigger package for it today 'cause i don't wanna chance the cds getting hurt in the little one being packed so close together... that i took two hours to myself with my mp3 player outside of the house and that i was qupte happy with that... that i had been tempted to call you but knew you were at work so i didn't... but things happened, and that just didn't get to be said first. and i'm sorry.
it's not just anyone who gets that from me... and it kills me inside to know that that will never be good enough. and things like that make me want to walk away, but i know i never could because i can't do that, because i can't give up on people.
funny how things can go from self-made happiness for the first time in months to complete shit in under two hours.
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Tuesday, Dec. 27, 2005 - 11:22 pm
+ your heaven's a lie people suck. once one is in a good mood, someone comes along and totally fucks that up when things couldn't be any better at that time. it takes a really long time to make things good, and then within five seconds, it all comes crashing down around you while you're still trying to hold up what you can.
i heart juu: hi..
SpecialDaG: hi..
SpecialDaG: how're you?
i heart juu: ::sigh:: annoyed for elsbe. to the point of being unhappy enough to not get dinner.
i heart juu: i got to qt to pick her up, she was ina really good mood and so was i, so everything was cool.
i heart juu: (sorry, aim froze. bittorrent fucks with it.)
i heart juu: we get outside, i show her the thingy i got at walmart for the mp3 player and my phone, we talked a while... she checks her voicemail and her boss at vector called.
i heart juu: her numbers are too low, so she's not allowed to work until she has more training, that may or may not be paid training,
i heart juu: and she was to be paid yesterday or today and that won't come until thursday.
i heart juu: which means she won't have the money 'till sautrday due to a lack of time to cash said check due to both jobs.
i heart juu: this is after i'd told her that i'd buy her chinese food 'cause i really wanted it... and then after that message she stopped talking, threw the earphone i'd handed her at me, and said that she wanted to go home and didn't want to talk about it.
i heart juu: i get her home, i get home, tell her that i'm taking her out to lunch my treat tomorrow (as she does that for me when i'm crappy), and her mom's totally going off on her because she didn't want to talk about it,
i heart juu: that she's never home -even though if she's there, they only watch tv together and there's never food and she either fights with everyone, or everyone else leaves to go somewhere else and doesn't bring her-, then her mom's going off and giving her "advice" about aaron, because her brother was hanging out with him tonight instead of her.
i heart juu: when she had to work 'till ten anyway and was quite tired and probably didn't want to hang out with anyone tonight anyway beyond eating dinner.
i heart juu: it infuriates me that her mom does that to her... and that the fucker at vector is messing wiht her so much.
i heart juu: oh,
i heart juu: and she had decided to trade in her car tomorrow. she got her credit approved and knows what car she's going after... but now doesn't know if she'll be able to afford it because brandon keeps dicking around with her.
i heart juu: she walked in to work today and was told that she didn't need to be there.
i heart juu: the moment i got home, i had to go get her, and we started looking at cars.
i heart juu: she had made a plan on how to pay it and all that... and now that might not work.
i heart juu: taking a leave of absence from qt except for summers and winter vacations and probably spring break... and working vector on a regular basis and all that. paying more at those times, and probably getting it paid off in three years.
SpecialDaG: ...
i heart juu: went so far as to text me that she's dropping school and going to work as a manager at qt so she can get out of her house... even though i know her heart's not in it.
i heart juu: i know she'll change her mind... at least i hope so.
i figure lunch might make her feel better a bit... especially if she doesn't have to pay. i just wish there was something more that i could do...
i feel no need to elaborate any more than i already did on that.
..goddammit, i've fucked up again. i upset a certain someone again... and there wasn't really a way around it, and i have no idea how the hell to prevent it in the future... because it happened by being who i am...
i want to go to sleep. for as long as fucking humanly possible. because everything's falling apart around everyone else right now, and it's related to me in at least one regard. and they're starting to fall on me again too... i want to dig everyone else out before i get covered, but i have no idea as to whether or not i can actually pull it off...
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Monday, Dec. 26, 2005 - 12:55 am
+ the system is down gwen pretended like nothing happened. and i'm not sure that i'm alright with that... but, i can't do anything about it. i guess it went alright, i just truly didn't want to be there... let alone being there for four hours.
james and lois got expensive toys and crap... shiny crap that's remote controlled or that plays music and everything, and i got walmart gift cards and two twenties. i guess i'm grown up, then... though all of the adults had things to actually unwrap. what i did get was much less than what everyone else got price/money wise, and that irks me because that's seemed to have happened for a very long time now, but whatever....
..jesus' birthday, not mine, and my friends were good to me yesterday and whenever else they gave me gifts, so i'm cool.
i think i want to go to denny's or ihop or something, but everyone's either tipsy or sleeping. going out to eat alone is something that i'd prefer to not actually do, so that won't be happening. i'm hungry, but not that hungry.
..and i'm debating being one of those freaks who's at the store really effin' early the day after christmas to catch sales and such. elsbe informed me that she doesn't have the money to go shopping or anything, but that she could come with me when i go... but i dunno if i wanna put her through that. walmart and/or the mall the day after christmas is hell, especially if you're just there with someone who's buying things.
things that i'm definitely getting at walmart:
one) the bitchin' wallet i saw day before yesterday.
two) empire records. goddammit.
three) a pair of jeans.
four) a shirt.
random: why aren't wallets free? doesn't using the money that you are buying it with defeat the purpose of storing your money in it? i mean, in my life, every time i buy a wallet, i am then out of money. the purpose defeats itself.
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+ why does distance make us wise +
Sunday, Dec. 25, 2005 - 4:50 am
+ fukai mori check the page before this one... more important by far.
