Tuesday, Jan. 03, 2006 - 2:58 am
+ why can't i be somebody else yanno, i'm always gonna be the one who knows all the pretty people... who ends up attracted to those she shouldn't be attracted to, who feels as though she is completely undesirable for being fat and frumpy and ugly and just... not fitting in anywhere.

i don't want to be "pretty", but at the same time, i don't want to be mistaken for a guy. thus, i'm somewhere in between looking rather dumb and lonely... problem being, most people don't look into eyes before passing judgement on everything else.

god, if they only would... there'd be worlds and worlds of things that are so much worth getting to know me for... and that pain of rejection i get when they just walk on by me would be right there on the surface...

..but they'd already be miles away.

+
Monday, Jan. 02, 2006 - 12:08 am
+ i'm gonna love you forever it's entirely possible that i just pushed someone close to me away from me for a very long time, if not forever.

...

you know who you are. i love you, and i'm sorry what transpired did indeed do so. i'd give anything to take it back, but i can't. it's in the past now. there's nothing that either of us can do to change it.

this is an open invitation to get together tomorrow and fight it all out, or pretend that it never happened if that would be better... the end of our friendship is no way for either of us to start the new year.

+
Sunday, Jan. 01, 2006 - 3:48 am
+ i brought a gift ofr you, it's up in my bum i got quite, quite wasted tonight... though i'm mostly fine now. just the slightest bit tipsy... and home. because i refused to spend the night at aaron's house, and because i was perfectly fine for driving. i drove home the speed limit the whole way and never once crossed the lines aside from passing or merging... and cried most of the way because elsbe didn't trust my judgement. i passed every test that was given to me to make sure i was (mostly) sober, and they still wanted me to stay. i had told her mother that i'd bring her and heinzi home... but she refused to let me. so, i didn't. she can deal with the wrath in the morning... i love her, i wanna hang out tomorrow (erm, later today) if she will, but i'm quite irritated with her at this point...

it was a great night, until then... and now, i don't really want to talk about it anymore, though at midnight i was bursting at the seams to be able to write an entry -though i was quite inebreated at the time, i was having a great time... for the first time in a long time.

kristen was more drunk than me, i'd like to say, at least from what i could tell on the phone.

there were random girls there when i walked through the door who are friends with aaron's sister megan (meghan? not sure which) who proclaimed their love to me. thus, we exchanged a bounty of "i love you"s the entire night. that in and of itself was quite entertaining.

aaron's brother josh in a giant diaper making drinks. and dancing. need i say more.

then came midnight and all of the couples kissing... and my harsh reality setting in yet again... and the beginning of my sobriety. anything past midnight was acting. i was tipsy, but not drunk.

i got home to hear that the little drummer boy is now living in california... so i won't be going to meet him, nor will i be selling him my drums. damn it all to hell.

deb i'm sorry for your having to deal with me.

i'm irritated at everything. and i think i want to sleep.

+
Friday, Dec. 30, 2005 - 3:03 am
+ so long, and good night more proof that i need to listen more to what i say to people as advice and heed it on my own... edited for your ease of reading... and to show similarities.

[needed for setting up what is about to happen]
i heart juu: ::kisses a finger and taps the end of your nose::
SpecialDaG: *reaches for your hand and just holds it

i heart juu: ::goes against better judgement and kisses your knuckles between your middle and ring fingers::

you're fine. you'll be fine. things will be fine. with or without an addiction to a particular person looming over you... you'll be okay. things like this take time, and it can't really be hurried any faster or shoved back to go any slower. if nothing, you've got those little things through the day to make you happy. and sometimes, it's those little things we need to get through, whether or not we may notice them at the time... they're something to hold on to later on, like right now for you.

you have legs, you have arms, you have working eyes, you have a voice, you have a roof over your head, food in the kitchen, a bed to sleep in, a working car, plumbing, internet, phone, tv, a job... all things that others may not have. you'll be fine. you'd remember them all eventually, and that's what's important.

you still have that heart and that spirit. that's all you really need, and no one can ever really take that away from you. so yes, things will get better... it just might not be right now. you don't truly need me, or cherie, or donda, or chris, or anyone. [or elsbe, or julie, or debbie, or mika..] you rely upon us, but you don't really truly need us... as long as you've got yourself. i know that's a lot to say and not actually feel on my own... but it's true.

you don't have to have someone constantly there. one day you'll come to see that, though it will likely be later rather than sooner. i know i barely have. all of the codependency you've spoken of in the past... the majority of it is likely in your head, and the rest of it there out of habit. and i realize that's probably a mean thing to say, but it's true. you don't need anyone, but you prefer them to be there. and that's fine... but you're fine on your own too. or at least, you will be one day.

i know you're older than me and all that fun crap, but listen to what i'm saying. take it all in. just because i'm younger than you doesn't mean that what i say might not be true. or at least, isn't definitely wrong.

SpecialDaG: I've never doubted your wisdom. Your age hasn't been a particularly big factor for me

i heart juu: yes i know, but it's brought up more often than not due to life experience, or my lack thereof.

i will say this: you are indeed one of my best friends. in being such, it feels weird not to talk to you regularly... because i do that. i talk to people regularly who are close to me. and you're closer to me than most. and i realize that i need to listen more to what i just said to you... but goddammit, this isn't about me right now, it's about you and helping you out for a change.

..but really, it does help me out to see written out the fact that i can say all of that to someone and mean it wholeheartedly...

i meant to go to bed two hours ago. and now i'm off.

+
Friday, Dec. 30, 2005 - 1:13 am
+ paper faces on parade, masquerade i just talked with julie for about an hour and twenty minutes. night time mobile to mobile minutes make me happy inside... and julie makes me giggle.

i was led on by someone on true today... was talking all nicely and such, then ims me and says "you seem like a good person to go to for advice... what should i do about this girl i like?"

i have the lesbian version of nice guy syndrome. kill me.

i heart phantom of the opera, though i hate the voice casting for the phantom most of all.

i've started every paragraph with i.

i'm yawning and stretching and things... thinking it's time for me to go to bed. was gonna wait around to see if someone got online... or offline so i could call them, but i guess that's not gonna happen. might as well go ahead and go while i know i'm tired for once... and it's early for me.

goodnight.

+

+ why does distance make us wise +