Friday, Jan. 13, 2006 - 12:12 am
+ why they call it falling mika's left me and eaten the children.
sai is a homewrecker.
i am le tired.
...
so yeah. for real now. didn't get a phone call tonight that i was kind of hoping for... which sucks, though i shall live. felt bad for missing it last night, though upon my calling back someone kept answering and saying it was bob's pizza -_-;;.
i can't ice skate... at least not in front of a bunch of inconsiderate people who know what they're doing and seemingly enjoy tripping up everyone else. because of last night, elsbe and i have agreed that someday she'll take me ice skating on of fhours when people aren't generally there, and i'll take her roller skating at a similar time.
i have an extreme fear of falling, especially in front of people. my neighbor was teaching me how to skate at my old house almost just as i was learning to walk, so i know i can roller skate -which eventually evolved to blading when i was older, but has been left dormant for a couple of years now. ice skating... i can't get a balance to do it. i nearly fell five times trying to go about twenty feet. i watched so many people who knew what they were doing going by quickly in front of beginners, and i decided i wasn't even going to try anymore -it was effing scary out there. i was nearly to tears i was so freaked out... which is hard for me to admit -_-;;.
..like i said, i am le tired. should sleep now while i feel i still can. g'night!
+ English Art Linguistics Journalism Psychology Mathematics Sociology Theater Dance Engineering Philosophy Anthropology Biology Chemistry
Wednesday, Jan. 11, 2006 - 5:35 pm
+ perfect You scored as English. You should be an English major! Your passion lies in writing and expressing yourself creatively, and you hate it when you are inhibited from doing so. Pursue that interest of yours! 92% 83% 75% 67% 58% 42% 42% 42% 42% 42% 25% 25% 8% 0%
What is your Perfect Major? (PLEASE RATE ME!!<3)
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Wednesday, Jan. 11, 2006 - 5:18 pm
+ that's where it is i have a bit of a crush, and i think she knows it. there may be hang out time or something of the sort sometime soon, and that had me grinning for quite a while today.
in a completely different development, my hair is now its proper colour again. finally had time to redye it... i've missed my darker red. not quite as dark as usual since it's been so long and i could only afford one box, but it's at least done, yanno?
i have to fart. ::poot::. so i did.
i heart the woman who said that.
ice skating tonight, my first time. free, because my buddies all go to umkc. things like that remind me why i want to go to that school soon, even though the parking is hell and the people are assholes.
nappy nap nap time.
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Wednesday, Jan. 11, 2006 - 3:31 am
+ as i go remember all the simple things you know i'm to be up in just over five hours, and i here i sit yet again. i'm not sure i'll ever catch up on sleep again, at least not for quite a while.
remnants of last night are still with me... have still been with me the entire day and into the night. i think what i really need is time to collapse into someone else for a while and not think, no matter if it's a friend or something more -the former, of course, because the later doesn't exist... though i do indeed miss those comforting sort of kisses and gentle caresses.
and now i'm off to dream of that time, and likely hope for the opportunity to come tomorrow afternoon... whether or not it can happen, i have no idea, but god i hope so.
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Tuesday, Jan. 10, 2006 - 12:27 am
+ my mind is just a crutch some nights are better than others, while others pail in comparison. one night will be perfectly fine and "normal", other nights i can't sleep because i keep hearing the tv on late at night, and thinking that i hear her walking around.
i've found that flashbacks sometimes really do happen the way that they do in movies, and i never really knew that before. there hadn't really been a chance for me to have any before tonight, but they hit me, and they hit me hard while i was driving elsbe home tonight.
we were talking about donating blood or plasma somewhere, and i told her that dad had done it in the past when she asked me why i hadn't back then. i told her that i was about fifteen or sixteen at the time, and that i'm scared of needles and blood anyway... and how mom had found out that she couldn't donate blood. we hadn't brought the zen with us, so she started singing... and was singing my immortal for some reason or another. i think that's what triggered it all...
..i blinked and saw the first time that she and i had sung harmonies together really well -you set me free by michelle branch- in my room, sitting onn the side of my bed in front of my dresser. i blinked again and saw us starting to sing my immortal with harmonies, again to the day that i came up with harmony for one part of the song. next, i saw mom coming in my bedroom with the camcorder and recording us singing it, telling us that she liked to hear us sing that song, even though that singer sounds really whiney to (her). i felt the tears starting to come when i blinked and saw kristen, elsbe, and i practicing in the choir room for spotlight... and then the audience -or what little i could see of it- at senior spotlight when kristen and i sang there...
..and what made me reach over and take elsbe's hand is when i blinked and saw everyone from the stage at the church during mom's funeral, and when i turned to see elsbe next to me and taking my hand... and when the audience started getting fuzzier around the edges when the tears started after i've been alone all along...
we got to her house and i got out of the truck and glomped her, and burried my face in her chest and tried not to cry since we were standing there shivering anyway. i wished we weren't outside so i could have stayed there a little longer, and i instinctively didn't want to let her leave... but i did, and got in the truck where i felt one tear rolling down my cheek. and instead of driving home, i went to quiktrip to get a glass of ice water by default... i'm not sure why, but that's where my truck led me.
i realized last night why i quit trying in school and why i'm subconsciously reluctant to get a job. and actually, it's related to all of this.
my first day at kckcc is when everything happened. i didn't think to answer my phone because i thought it was ashley, and it wasn't. i was unattainable... and i don't want that to happen again. i don't want to be in a situation where i'm not gonna be able to answer the phone or where someone won't be able to just come by if they need to. it makes me feel insecure when i'm trapped someplace where that might happen... it's not voluntary, it just happens. i can't help it.
..it's something else for me to work on. even though i can't get a job 'till elsbe has a car again... maybe i need that time to be able to deal with it, since i know what it is now.
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+ why does distance make us wise +
