Monday, Jan. 30, 2006 - 11:29 pm
+ because of you i try my hardest just to forget everything i just lost a large amount of trust... well, an hour ago i did.
all of it was a misunderstanding:
i thought she said i could turn off the car, she thought i was keeping it on; i was going to cool down, she thought i was going to walk a bit and call dad to get me; i was on the way to walk back and thought if the car started, we'd talk, she thought i was leaving her there in a place where she didn't know how to get home or anything.
as it is, i walked about half a mile home before dad got to me, and he doesn't trust her anymore. southwest boulevard at night is scary, and people have been killed there.
i'm on my period. i'm inherently more moody. i knew i shouldn't have gotten out of the car, but i had to or i was going to explode and have similar results, more than likely.
she didn't turn around. didn't even really think to.
she came by for her stuff for school tomorrow, and i got to talk to her a little bit. i'd brought it all in my room so she had to see me to get it. basically, i determined it a misunderstanding, and said i was sorry... and started crying, because it hurts so much to try to be angry with her. she looked at me as i picked sango up from running into my room and said i'm sorry... no i'm not, what am i saying... ::stares around the room for a few seconds, speaks softer:: i'll get over this, just not tonight... we'll talk tomorrow...
i've offered to buy lunch tomorrow so we can talk in peace. i'm selling my piece of crap guitar for twenty bucks tomorrow and i've got a couple of checks to cash worth ten dollars... i can get some gas and lunch and have a bit left over. i think i'm getting her from school so we can do all of this... because it needs to be done at this point. it's basically a necessity in my mind.
we're talking via text message, which is good... aside from the pang i have in my chest reminding myself of earlier, it's basically fine... but i know we're both faking at this point. we need to get some things out of the way and see if this friendship is still alright or if it needs to breathe a while...
::sigh:: see? this is what i do when i love someone.
+
+ if it weren't for the fact that dad's watching tv right now, i'd try playing playstation and seeing if that would alleviate any of this "blah"ness that's happening right now. i doubt it. and what i'm really not looking forward to is having to get up at six in the morning if i want to even think of going to labor ready... ..yanno what? i really don't want to go there. because from what i'm hearing from everyone, it's not really all that much worth it. for every five dollars made, they get about three... and i can't afford that kinda crap. whatever minimum wage is, i hear i'd be making about $2.50 an hour or so, and nothing is worth that. i'd almost be better off applying everywhere that i see (that isn't pounded into my head at least once a day) and seeing what kind of job i can get... as i've been doing anyway. i think i'm going to school with elsbe tomorrow to be not here. ..goodnight.
+ to be honest, i'm not feeling very gregarious tonight, but i must grin and bear it. new playlist for myself. over 100 songs. it's my cleaning/putzing around playlist, and most of it's pretty hyper. fun fun for me me. elsbe's being a wanker. her saying that i couldn't take her car to price chopper for some reason makes me want to cry and scream and go off. i'm so totally not in the mentality for a group thing tonight, and i'm sorry for whoever is around...
+
+ why does distance make us wise +
Monday, Jan. 30, 2006 - 5:59 pm
+ what i am is what i am
myself, i'm nearly twenty years old. i knew when i was about five or six that i was different from other girls, and my parents knew long before that when i didn't want to play with girls' toys very often. i had them, i played with them, but much more rarely than i would play with my hot wheels or nintendo, and i truly despised being dressed like a girl.
when disney's adaptation of aladdin came out, all of the other girls i knew played pretend as jasmine. when i ran around my house as a disney character, i was aladdin, and my blankie was my magic carpet. other days, i was superman with red underwear on outside of my blue sweatpants, the same blankie around my neck as i bounded from one piece of furniture to the other. i would play power rangers with my two best friends, and always be the white/green ranger, tommy.
..as it was hinted at in other posts, does this mean i should have gender reassignment surgery? no. i just inherently preferred to play with more boyish toys than girlish toys, while i still identified myself as female.
in middle school, all of the other girls were mooning over n'sync and the backstreet boys and other things of that ilk. to fit in, i made myself believe that i liked them as well and plastered my walls with boy band posters... in the next room over, i put up posters of britney spears and christina agulera and many, many other female celebrities, claiming that it was for my male cousin whenever he would stay over, while i, in fact, was looking more at britney spears and katie holmes than nick carter or justin timberlake.
in high school, i cracked and came out.
..i had yet to have sex with anyone, let alone kiss them (yes i realise i just opened myself up for criticism and possible taunts.)
tell me, does it make me any less of a lesbian because i was merely attracted to other females and hadn't gone ahead to kiss them or have sex with them? was i not a lesbian before i kissed a girl for the first time at seventeen, or when i had sex at eighteen? do the crushes on various girls in my high school and celebrities mean nothing because i hadn't acted upon them until after high school?
i believe that details of who one is attracted to -in terms of male or female, and what traits they look for- are inherent. there are indeed environmental factors that come into play at the same time, including what the area that one lives in is like in terms of accepting homosexuality, leaving a person wondering "should i blend in so as not to face criticism and the possibility of losing some of my friends, or should i act openly and risk more than i wish to lose?" one may choose to try and "blend in" and force themselves to stay with a member of the opposite sex -even into mariage and having children- because it is more socially acceptable. through all of this, they are generally not truly happy with the way things are, and many will leave the relationship (or cheat) for (with) a member of the same sex because it is who they are, it is what makes them happy... it is what makes them complete.
however, i can attest to the idea that bisexuality or homosexuality can be a choice, as can heterosexuality in the idea that someone is covering to avoid ridicule or deviation from the social norm. my last two years of high school and my first year of college, i saw more people come out as "bisexuals" than i had ever seen in my life... though to be perfectly honest, i believe it was -and still is, in some places- a trend to have a relationship with the same sex, which can make it hard for those who aren't just a part of that trend. people thought that i was joking, until they finally realised that i meant it a couple of years later when all of the "bisexuals" were in committed relationships with the opposite sex.
at this point, it is superfluous to try and define where homosexuality originates from. there are medical findings, there are psychological findings, there are religious findings... isn't it safe to say that it just... is? sort of how heterosexuality just exists. obviously heterosexuality exists in large part for procreation, but at the same time, can't a homosexual procreate at some point in their life?
labels are thrown about more often than they should be. we are quick to label a hetero or a homo; a gay, straight, lesbian or bisexual, when in fact, it could be a "phase" of sorts -like the "trend" in bisexuality that was once present. ultimately, someone who might have been married to a man for ten years may divorce and call themselves a lesbian. who's to stop her? she had past experiences with a man, found that she wasn't happy with them, and primarily is attracted to women in the end.
that is the definition of being gay. at the end of the metaphorical day/month/year(s), are you or aren't you attracted to the opposite gender? are you attracted to both? who you have sex with may or may not be a defining factor in the end, so it is redundant to say that you have no sexuality until you have sex -as previously stated... who do you masturbate to or fantacize (whether or not you are sexually active), johnny depp or katie holmes.. or both?
there. tear me apart as you see fit.
1) yes. it didn't go well. i just wasn't attracted to him in the least... it was mainly as a favour to someone's brother, but i thought i'd try, yanno? it was within the past year. about a week of talking and hanging out, and he was falling... and i felt more friendship than anything, as i've always ended up as "one of the guys".
2) my home life was just fine, aside from my mother being sick. she passed my first day of college, and it's just been me, my dad, and a (female) friend of mine who lives here off an on (we have a history, though she is now in a committed relationship with a guy and identifies as prodominantly straight). my dad and i were close, my mom and i fought in my teen years, but we were close when i was younger.
3) it didn't take me seventeen years to decide, i'd always known. it took me seventeen years to decide to let everyone else know. it's higly improbable that it will change in another seventeen years. i like soft skin, boobies, softer lips and the like just as much as you guys do. it's inherent. i'd be asked what kind of family i imagined in the future, and i always saw myself with a woman -with or without a child or two.
Sunday, Jan. 29, 2006 - 9:05 pm
+ all by myself while last night i wasn't really feeling like being with a group or with anyone at all... tonight i'm sitting here lonely and tired of watching tv. tired of hanging out online, waiting for peple who probably aren't gonna get online tonight.
i'm quite tired of frumping about the house, really i am. i want to work somewhere... preferably stocking or something... maybe overnight... i applied at target for the four am to one pm shift the other day, and i'm hoping that i get it.
i'm tired and i don't know why.
julie's on the way here.
Saturday, Jan. 28, 2006 - 5:44 pm
+ i can see you i'm honestly not feeling very social right now, but everyone is coming here tonight... save for jo -_-;;. le roar.
