Saturday, Feb. 04, 2006 - 9:58 pm
+ the rest is still unwritten when the day starts off wrong
and never turns right,
thoughts come to mind
and i push them aside,
until i can't take it
then break down and cry;
i reach out for help,
but end up alone
on the floor with a towel
and nothing much more,
i know what it will take
to fall asleep that night...
..vodka lullabye.
+ this iw what happens when landa can get rukn and she doen'st have to drive. heheheheheeeeeeeeee! i just do totally actid sober 'cause my dad called me from his cell fhone from the other room. ha! HE'S A FUCKNI ROOM AWAy and he called from his cell phone to minw! bwahahah! so my great gramma's funeral is tomorrow... i kinda drank myself into a stupor... getting up with elsbe and aaron when she goes to takw jim home onthe morning so i don't have to gho. not only would i have to deal wihtn gwen all day, but i'll likely be hung over, and that would be sidrespectful to my gramma. she was my faourite gramma when i was younger, aside from my mom's mom... makes me sad inside taht she dieded. i've middes her for years. thisi s the wrong tome for me to write a meaningful entry. time for lanlan to go to bedbed 'cause she'd drunk drunk, heheheee. gnight!!!!!!!! edit (10:07 the next morning): i'm quite hungover and still feel a little bit drunk... but i felt the need to translate last night's entry before going back to sleep. so, here goes: i just so totally acted sober 'cause my dad called me form his cell phone from the other room. ha! he's a fucking room away and he called from his cell phone to mine! bwahaha! so my great gramma's funeral is tomorrow... i kinda drank myself into a stupor... getting up with elsbe and aaron when she goes to take him home in the morning so i don't have to go. not only would i have to deal with gween all day, but i'll likely be hungover, and that would be disrespectful to my gramma. she was my favourite gramma when i was younger, aside from my mom's mom... makes me sad inside that she died. i've missed her for years (already). this is the wrong time for me to write a meaningful entry. time for landa to go to bed 'cause she's drunk. hehehe. g'night!
+ you have to realize, most of my days have been spent with me driving around to wherever since december of '04. that's over a year. i've grown quite used to it, and it feels as though it's the one thing that's a constant in my life... that it's a purpose for me. and now that purpose is gone. text i sent upon hearing that he was bringing her here for her car after work instead of my going to get her:
Saturday, Feb. 04, 2006 - 2:35 am
+ don't bother, be unkind
this is what happens when landa can get drunk and she doens't have to drive. hehehehehe!
Friday, Feb. 03, 2006 - 12:21 am
+ i could spend my life in this sweet surrender aaron got a car. and because i'm a freak i immediately went from overjoyed to feeling horrible.and now comes the beginnings of feeling like i shall now be useless and more stressed.. dad doesn't get why at all, and is just like 'well, you won't have to drive all over now, there's nothing for you to be upset about' ..it's been my life for over a year, i can't help it... you aren't gonna need me anymore, and aaron'll be around more, and... sigh. i don't know. don't listen to me, i guess.
and it's true. that's just been what i do for seemingly forever now, it's gonna be weird... because elsbe's already announced that aaron'll be driving her everywhere that he can while not at work or school now... and i'd really like to not ride with them not that they can have their "alone time" without me fucking being there for all of it...
in the end, it's good for everyone...
..but for a long time, i'm gonna feel as though my existence is pointless and superfluous, because i'm gonna be sitting around alone again... there'll be no reason to go anywhere, and no fucking gas to do it because dad refuses to give gas money when there's "nowhere that i really NEED to go" but at the same time bitches me out about job applications...
i'm having a bad night. self-inflicted from what i can tell, but it's completely inadvertant that it's that way. if i could have it any other way i would, but i don't know how to make it that way.
see, people tell me to change how i feel, and that it's easy. it's really, really not. things just take my mind and everything over to the point where i can't really think about anything else anymore. it totally overshadows everything, and there's no way around it at all. i wish i could make it stop, but it's nowhere near as easy as you people tend to think it is... and it's only getting worse right now.
+
Wednesday, Feb. 01, 2006 - 8:23 am
+ while she keeps you dangling, your heart she is mangling i'm disposable. two hours of sleep should be enough for me because i don't do anything during the day. there's no reason for me to be tired of cranky or anything like that, because i don't do ANYTHING during the day.
after having all of this said to me by someone under three feet away whom i actually listen to when they have something to say, i now feel like running out in front of one of the city buses and seeing if i can just end it all, though knowing my luck, i would merely be propelled, have a concussion, and maybe a couple of broken limbs or ribs.
..because they might as well have dragged me out of the truck and beaten the shit out of me in the parking lot and left me there bleeding and crying, unconsciously reaching out for help from those who were doing the hurting... because it was the person i turn to the most that was inflicting most of the abuse.
...
i'm sorry if i'm cranky, i had two hours of sleep. crankiness just seems to happen when that happens. no human being should have to function on that. upon hearing that i could have slept two more hours and been just fine, i'm sorry that i was quick to say something that i probably wouldn't have normally said in that tone.
on two hours of sleep, i'm on basic instincts -i literally can't think about what i'm saying before it comes out, because that process didn't get to rest long enough. that's the way i work, and i can't change it until i've gotten some sleep. it's similar to how you (you know who you are) are *very* cranky when you're tired at night. i'm not saying that it's wrong or that it's really a problem, it's just a natural reaction to being tired.
well, this is my natural reaction to not getting enough sleep. i don't get the chance to think things through that i generally have, and things just come out -the same way they do when you're tired and kept from sleep unjustly.
...
i guess i should just not speak or anything on days when i don't really sleep, because if i do, i get everyone i care about pissed at me.
+ i'm lazy. shoot me. btw, awesome song: does the dj know // gone 'til november freaking awesome myspace band. if you wanna check out their acoustic stuff, let me know, because i downloaded it when they had it available to do so ^^;;. i'm determined to find gas money to go see you... went through the money i'd used for gas today already in all the things we had to go around and do. hate it when her car isn't working, it gets better gas mileage. it won't even start anymore to get it to midas or wherever to get it looked at and fixed, so i'm not sure what's happening there right now. things went well in talking to her today, by the way. we touched on the subject of last night for a few minutes, and decided together that it was indeed a series of miscommunications that came together to blow up and make some problems. we were back to normal us within seconds of her getting into the truck and didn't even really bring up last night until we were eating lun-..dinner (we didn't get to chinese buffet 'till almost five 'cause of her interview). actually, it was better than the normal that it's been lately... we weren't fighting over anything all day long. loved that. julie made us dinner again, though i only ate a little bit 'cause of the chinese food from before. tacos and cherry jello with coke ^^. good food. i heart her for doing that stuff so randomly lately. so... how'd your day go? i actually have to be up in just over four hours to get her to school... i'll be at umkc from 8am to 1pm, so i'll either be on here or be reachable via cell phone and quite bored more than likely -kristen's in class the whole time i'm there, and i think julie doesn't have any breaks as well. no idea what else is happening tomorrow... when in doubt, call the cell ^^;;. ..i have to sleep. four hours is better than nothing, especially when i don't have a supply of caffiene ready. heartfarts,
+
+ why does distance make us wise +
Wednesday, Feb. 01, 2006 - 2:38 am
+ does the dj know when i hear that song, i want you all over me edited email i sent to jo.
(a very tired) landa
