immortal.nocturne version six.o // your eyes

Wednesday, Feb. 15, 2006 - 1:52 am
+ to be left out in the dark three reasons why i'm a true loser:

1) i ended valentine's day single when i started... not.
2) one gift/card/present/whatever total.
3) it's two in the morning, and i'm sitting here watching the olympics, mainly for the figure skating.

yeah. welcome to my life.

+
Tuesday, Feb. 14, 2006 - 11:59 pm
+ will i wake tomorrow from this nightmare you're officially a loser when you get broken up with on valentine's day, right? especially when it's because the breaker upper is already with someone else and has been basically the entire time... right?

...

all the more reason to hate valentine's day.

i ignored the internet today all together. i was offline for more than twelve hours... and it was nice. mainly because i felt sick this morning, but after taking a nap for about an hour, it was pretty cool.

only reason i was online at all earlier today was to get pictures for elsbe's card-like present together -collage. got her a stuffed monkey in a bucket with twix and gum, ended up giving the small box of chocolate to dad since i couldn't get something for everyone. gave julie some chocolate cherries, and elsbe covered me on getting aaron some reeses pieces 'till i can pay her back next week.

finally washed elsbe's car. it's purple again. plus i changed the light for the license plate all by myself -i was proud of myself, and quite dirty.

i requested that elsbe and aaron not come over friday night after their dance at umkc, to be met with "why?". i wish i could help her understand...

..there's a reason i haven't *really* been updating. there's nothing to say.

basically, valentine's day sucks, it sucks more as of today, and i truly hate it. being with elsbe and aaron tonight didn't help, even though they weren't really all lovey or anything... they were still... there. something looming over me that i feel i'll never actually have.

if only...

edit: p.s, i didn't even get any candy today =((.

+
Sunday, Feb. 12, 2006 - 9:32 pm
+ we have nothing left to weather there's quite a bit of landa angst going on right now... and i haven't even been out of bed for five hours yet.

i found out today just how outdated my way of thinking of things really is... and i'll likely end up alone in the end because of it.

i dunno. i guess i'm just naive when it comes to the way things are with relationships now... wish i knew how all of this shit is supposed to happen... haven't spoken to the person in question, even though she was just online for an hour. not sure how this is gonna work out now...

...

(10:00, as i was in the middle of updating, and on diaryland it says i started at 9:32..)
though elsbe just came by with my valentine's day pressies 'cause she knew i felt bad. i heart her. card reads as follows (including the things that she added, like one word and a couple underlines and such):
people don't talk much
about the love
friends have for one another.
oh, we talk about
liking friends.
but some friends
add so much to our lives
that "like"
just isn't srong enough
to describe the bond.
you're that special kind
of friend.
i never get tired
of your company ~LOL
and i can always
be myself with you, (always...)
confisde in you,
depend on you.

so i just thought
i'd let you know
that i don't just like you-
i love you...
for being such a great person,
such a good friend.
-cheryl hawkinson

happy valentine's day

i heart you mucho. thanks for always beint there.
i Love you.
happy v day.
elsbe

following this, she hands me the sisterhood of the traveling pants in movie form. perfect, as we saw it together and vowed one of us would get it sometime.

angst gone for now. though i am indeed bothered that it feels like it's only about six o'clock for me, and everyone else is getting ready to go home and go to bed for school tomorrow.

+
Sunday, Feb. 12, 2006 - 12:42 pm
+ you'll think of me every time something like this happens, i worry more and more that it will mean goodbye when it's all said and done... and i'm not sure i can do that. i know that i probably won't have the approval that i've been searching for for a very long time since i have to get myself out of this deepening rut first, but i have no idea how to go about doing that. i'm trapped here until there's gas money for me to leave, and it's gone from knowing to hoping that there's food in the fridge.

she's right. i am indeed a bit jealous of her... she's got a boyfriend she can see basically whenever she wants (read as multiple times a week) while i've yet to see jo, a job where she makes enough money to pay the bills that she has as well as having some left to go out to eat when someone says they want to while i can't get anyone to hire me for some reason or another, she's going to school for something she loves and she knows she loves it... and she knows what she wants in life, mostly. i know looks aren't everything, and i know that things aren't all simple and cut and dry like i seemingly make them in my explainations, but all of that is what i wish i could have...

..and i have no idea how to get out of here anymore.

through it all, whenever i'm bitchy or being rude or going off... she sticks around in the end. that impresses me... though i know how attractive walking away has looked to her recently.

it seems as though when her fights with him escilate more, ours do as well. maybe not to the same extreme, but they do, and i don't know how to change that either. if nothing, it's a result of tension that needs let out.

as much as i want to get out of here, i'm thinking of herming it up and telling them they can't come over next weekend so i can shut myself up in my room and figure things out. or at least we can hang out friday, but no one is staying the night and when everyone leaves, my herming begins... because i've got quite a few things i need to find a way to sort out, preferably sooner rather than later.

+
Saturday, Feb. 11, 2006 - 9:08 pm
+ don't bother my current playlist (anyone you haven't heard of, either look up on myspace, or google, because there's a few bands on here that are mainly myspace only):

seasons of love // rent

take me away // 4 strings

these words // natasha bedingfield

does the dj know // gone 'til november

thin thread // elyzium

boys of summer // dj sammy

mr. brightside // the killers

to save yourself // 4th 'til morning

you'll think of me // keith urban

california // gone 'til november

illegal // shakira feat. santana

on the way down // ryan cabrera