Thursday, Feb. 23, 2006 - 7:51 pm
+ am i just crazy? i was writing an entry when dad needed help, and then i lost it 'cause i had to go to another screen after i thought i'd entered it.
goddammit.
so.
i earned twenty bucks yesterday by putting flyers in doors in johnson county. i'm thinking i'm probably not doing that again, as it was a long drive that took about half of that in gas to and from. i also earned a brand new blister. it says hello, as it's a breathing and pulsing life form on its own. it can do that.
in other news, dad is learning te intarwebz. he's been back there for about two hours now, and it's scary.
..i did something unexplcable and random earlier.
i called rachel and left a voicemail for her that will likely remain unheard for god knows how long. no clue why or anything like that, it just sort of... happened.
i think i miss her. above everything else, she was someone completely different than the people that i usually talk to... and someone who i was *used* to talking to. it probably doesn't help that everyone's been more and more busy or unreachable for a while now.
..well, all that and i loved her.
hm. i dunno. elsbe and aaron have been having issues, so she's been with him more trying to work them out; i try not to bug kristen unless i'm up at umkc or planning to be there; ashley's all but fallen off of the face of the earth; i've been able to tick off julie a little too easily recently, and i wish that weren't so; debbie's all but pulled away -if things get too personal, she clams up or has to go; sai's had con things, senior year things, and boyfriend things; mika's mostly ap...
i'm not saying that i have no friends, i'm not asking for pity, i'm not saying or suggesting anything... merely stating the fact that they're all busy, and how i know that they are.
that leaves me open to feeling the need to go back to a previous comfort zone or something... right?
why do i keep doing this to myself every few months? it's obvious she's not gonna talk to me anymore, she took me off of her list on aim, doesn't answer her phone when i call, or respond to any emails. it's not like one day she'll wake up and think okay, i'll stop ignoring her existance today or anything like that. hell, for all i know she died or got put away or something... her outgoing message is still the same, and that used to change every few weeks or so.
it's been about a year since she started pulling away, over six months after she actually did... why is this still happening?
+
Monday, Feb. 20, 2006 - 7:36 pm
+ i should tell you i'm disaster lasagna drives me nuts when i have to eat it 387465832769038 days in a row. of course, any food drives me nuts when i have to eat it 387465832769038 days in a row. heh.
kristen, dad, mika. those are the birthdays this week, in that order, two of them right after each other. i wish i had money. i think elsbe and i are taking dad out for lunch or dinner on wednesday, though i'm not sure which yet at this point, nor am i sure if i'll be able to afford it... depends upon if this guy buys my coffee maker tomorrow... or if i can find someone who'll pay closer to a good price on it for tomorrow.
today just kinda... sucks. didn't get to talk with elsbe 'cause she had the tv on before she got me up, and was already sucked in. didn't get to go to school with her 'cause i didn't get much sleep and she told me to go back to sleep... stuck here, and have to go to bed early for that interview tomorrow morning, which prevents me from going to umkc again.
..why is it i like going up there, when i end up just sitting around and waiting for her to get out of class?
+
Sunday, Feb. 19, 2006 - 11:06 pm
+ no day but today we talked a little bit. i still don't understand... i'm not sure i'll *ever* understand.
she was patient with me as i asked her quite a lot of questions all at once, and i'm glad she was because if she were in any other mood, i would have possibly been in trouble.
impressively, she really did try to help me in knowing why they're back together... but logic keeps prevailing and telling me that it shouldn't have happened.
50/50 just isn't good enough, at least not to me. i don't care what feelings are there after a time, enough pain can kill them for me.
yesterday, it was almost as though i had my friend back for a day. i'd missed her and, though it came with the price of her heart being broken, it was nice having her back... but it's selfish for me to have wanted it to stay that way just because of that.
really, it's not that... it's more wishing that there were more days where we didn't need to worry about her needing to go do something or see someone or something like that and just hanging out... but that'll probably never happen again. if it does? there'll probably be another large price for her to pay for it to happen.
+
Sunday, Feb. 19, 2006 - 6:19 pm
+ forget regret attention:
love makes people retarded.
..apparently, i've never been in love enough to be retarded. and i guess i'll never fucking understand it until i have.
until then, i can curl into a fetal ball and cry hysterically for seemingly no reason... while in actuality it's for all of the shit that i *know* will happen again in the relative near future, knowing that i'll have to somehow make myself stronger for her so i can pick up the pieces again later on.
...
fuck relationships. fuck sex. fuck love. i don't want any of it if i'm gonna end up doing stupid shit like this. i want my logic to still work... i want to be able to leave something that is bad for me and that causes me more stress than taking away stress.
..but goddammit, i wish i could understand.
i'm crying. yep, that i am. and i can't stop. because i have a bad feeling about this, and i don't know how to make it go away, or how to convey it to her.
she asked me if i'm disappointed in her. more than she could ever know, because she *knowingly* walked back into the exact same situation that she left, without ANY of the things she said that she would need from him ini order to fix it.
yanno, this isn't even against him. if ANYONE had done something like that to her, or if it had happened between her or anyone else, i'd be just as pissed.
i hope it isn't for the reason that she doesn't want to be alone or whatever the hell... or that it'd be easier to stay with him than let him go... because those would be the two dumbest reasons there are. throw in the possibility that she loves him is possibly the reason, and it's just...
how can someone so smart and intelligent do something so obviously hazardous to her health?
+ if you read this at all, you MUST read the entire thing. the end makes up for the beginning. i'm NOT upset with you, i'm just trying in any way i can to understand and to help. this entry changes nothing. i hope this isn't taken the wrong way. like i said in that text message, i'm through. what am i through with?: i'm through sitting around here waiting and hoping that you'll have time to call. i'm through going to school with you, hoping desperately that we'll not fight on the way to and from so we can talk like we used to. i'm through being your third wheel. i'm through hoping to have time to myself on the weekends. i'm through standing in the way of something that obviously makes you drunk and numb to the fact that it hurts you. i'm through waiting for you to be finished fighting with him, so i can be here to help pick up the pieces. i'm through hanging out with you only to have you partially distracted by text messages and phone calls. i'm through driving everywhere, even in your car. i'm through "making" you spend your money on me. i'm through worrying about you, and finding out that i had just cause in the end, and that you wouldn't listen to hear it. i'm through hurting you by merely existing. i'm through being hurt by you when you're angry at someone or something else. i'm through waiting around all day for something you had said would happen and conveniently forgot. i'm through... ..but in the end, you know that it isn't true at all. all that you've given me overshadows anything bad that's happened... all that you still give me... and i really do truly appreciate you and our friendship. the good happens moreso than the bad, and i don't want to let that go, because i'm not sure that anyone will ever know me as well as you do. you KNOW that the next time he does ANYTHING to hurt you, i'll be right there. if you guys break up, i'll be there next to you, movies and ice cream in hand. i'll still be the one who hold you when you cry over it, and to gather up all of the pieces and put them back together. nothing is ever going to change that, no matter how much i may say the opposite. for all of the times i've called you crying and you've been there, and all the times in the opposite; all the times we've helped each other out; all the movie marathons, the inuyasha marathons; all of the well thought gifts and happily spent holidays and birthdays... and so much more... i love you, and plan on sticking around as long as you'll let me. you're my sister. my step-sister, given our past, but my sister nonetheless. you're my family. and while i can do my best to ignore my real family, i can't do that to you. you know i'm always going to be here. see, saying all of what i said above is something completely different than doing it... and i guess i can understand a little bit why you went back to him. it's sort of that i wish i knew how to quit you kind of thing. like i've been saying the last couple of days, you're my favourite person. why would i try to blatantly get rid of you?
+
+ why does distance make us wise +
Sunday, Feb. 19, 2006 - 3:55 pm
+ my end is my beginning
read this only with a clear mind in terms of our friendship, and realize that everything is explained in the end. love you.
