Sunday, Mar. 19, 2006 - 3:52 pm
+ wednesday? best day of my life for some time now. elsbe was off of work, and before she needed to go home for a while for her brother's birthday, we went to walmart and put together for a playground ball. then we went to the park and played for an hour. ..yes. elsbe and i playing. before we needed to leave, we lay down in the grass for a while and just... talked. i missed times like those. and now we have a ball, so we're ready for the next time. i can hardly wait for it, though i'll have to due to snow being in the forecast for the next couple of days from what i've heard. now? i have a beautiful black bass guitar staring back at me, that's perfect in my eyes despite its imperfections and lack of a voicebox to sing from. in it, i see the imperfections of the past few days, and i wonder why they matter so much to me while the imperfections of this guitar mean nothing. the fact that the bottom of it is squishy and has some dents in it doesn't matter to me, because it still sounds just as great as it would have anyway. the fact that it's one that most professionals would laugh at me for since it's a rogue means nothing to me, because in my eyes it's equal to the greatest bass ever made... purely because i can reach out and touch it, and because i will hopefully learn more from it than i can imagine now. why can't i look at more things in that light? why is it so hard for me? why is it when something is temporarily bent or broken, i always go off the deep end about it and can't contain myself from blowing up about it... but the imperfections in this bass before me mean nothing to me because it still sounds the same? life may bend or break... but it's not forever broken until it's over. even then, it can go on in text or in voice or in memory until the end of time. right now, life is bruised. maybe a bit beaten, maybe with a few broken ribs. it gets better, those wounds heal... you just have to wait. i'll just have to wait.
+ any of you know anyone who wants a game boy advance sp right now? or who might be interested in one? because i need at least $85 for that (tattoo edition one, rareish), super mario brothers three, and sonic advance two. $85 is CHEAP for that bundle, and i was originally asking $95. trying to get it sold tonight (yes, tonight, any time if you can meet me halfway at least) or tomorrow morning/early afternoon, because i need cash to do something else that can only happen tomorrow. if you can pay the $95, that'd be awesome, but if not, $85 is fine. PLEASE email me or im me or call my cell phone if you can do this... i'll be up all night.
+ ya know i resent that. you made the choice to be waht u are right now. u gave up school when u dropped....i was just re questioning what u ahd previously told me. u know i didn't mean anything bad i'm jsut trying to help and understand you. why do u take everything so badly? u can't let one second of negative destroy 24 hours of awesomness. you think i want to feel that way after one comment? i wish i could understand myself well enough to not end up taking something like that as badly as i do. i know you're trying to help. you've been the main constant source for that for the past few years, and i love you for it. your judgement means more than others though, and it kind of stings when such things are said with the attitude you had when you said it. i couldn't help the reaction, it just... happened. i suppose this is proof to the point that i should probably find a way to get back on medication... because a normal perosn wouldn't let a day of awesome be ruined by one person saying something to the effect of my choosing to be where i am now... ..but at the same time, i couldn't have known that i'd still be sitting at home without a job and such by march when i quit school in november. i envisioned myself working somewhere by now, generally stocking shelves at midnight in said vision, but somewhere nonetheless. i didn't choose this exact situation, it chose me in a way. i'm not angry with you or anything like that... i'm mainly just disappointed in myself, and nothing is going to end that easily. i tend to not pay attention to the fact that at this moment in time, my life has no direction, and just live for now while i can, until that job comes along and i can get my way back into school and into a better job later on. and i need to go to the bathroom before you get here to pick me up. more later, and in the car. ..everyone else? i'll write more about this later, and not in letter form.
+ ..but now, i feel like i've been dealt the lowest blow imaginable by someone so close pointing out some things that should have been -and generally are- painfully obvious in the first place... it's amazing how five minutes can totally change the way that one percieves things, and the way one feels about others.
+
+ why does distance make us wise +
+ if she only knew what i knew but could not say your eyes
as we said our goodbyes
can't get them out of my mind
and i find i can't hide
from your eyes
the ones that took me by surprise
the night you came into my life
where there's moonlight i see your eyes
how'd i let you slip away
when i'm longing so to hold you
now i'd die for one more day
'cause there's something
i should have told you
yes there's something
i should have told you
when i looked into your eyes
why does distance make us wise?
you were the song all along
and before this song dies
i should tell you i should tell you
i have always loved you...
you can see it in my eyes
Sunday, Mar. 19, 2006 - 1:24 am
+ waitin', wishin', hopin' in the past few hours, i've experienced pure joy, anger to the point of shaking, regret, the stern-ness of the gods, an ounce of forgiveness, and fear and weariness of the coming day.
Thursday, Mar. 16, 2006 - 9:04 pm
+ help, i need someone more to come on the entry from earlier later on. right now, i'm in a bind.
Thursday, Mar. 16, 2006 - 9:05 am
+ say you need me with you here beside you
Thursday, Mar. 16, 2006 - 12:09 am
+ going down i was going to write a big, long, poetic entry about how great today was and how happy i was about today, how happy and perky i've been all day...
