..oh yeah, that's right. you don't know where i am.

yeah, so i'm in liberty, mo right now. in the library. i got a web use only card, and an hour of time on here which is now down to about forty five minutes. my computer would have had to have some program thing installed prior to coming here to be able to use it online, which is crap. gur. at least at umkc's dorms, they find a way for you to download it when you get there to use it.

wankers.

so, yes. i am here. i am stuck 'till ten, though the library closes at nine.

this is bollocks, and it shall be sucking here in a bit.

anyway, had an interesting and relatively bad experience in preparing to come here, which ended in elsbe getting less practice time for guitar because of me. and now i feel crappy for it...

..plus the fact that i'd been craving and really, really wanting chinese food today, then elsbe has a big breakfast with her mom at village inn after droping her car off at midas before school. thus, she's not hungry at all at any time before work. thus, i eat the half of a sandwich i had left over from yesterday around eleven, and am not hungry again. damn me. hoping to have it tomorrow... actually, hoping like hell to have it tomorrow. really craving it, problem being i won't get what i'd hoped to get since it was on special today and will cost entirely too much to get tomorrow.
that made nearly no sense, but i understood it, so it's fine by me.

i didn't really get better last night. slept a few hours, and woke up fine for a couple of minutes until it set in again. i suppose that's part of the reason why things are so tense with elsbe today, as she's still -tense isn't the word for her, i'm not sure what- from last night as well.

i guess it's kind of like a hangover from emoness, which is 23807465892365 times the normal amount of emo. sucks muchly.

i'm sitting here watching the seconds click away on this internet timer thingy, and thinking to myself those are seconds that i'm never gonna get back, and i'm using them at a public library that i'm completely unfamiliar with in a city that i'm completely unfamiliar with. why am i here? why aren't i doing something else?

and then i realize i drove here in elsbe's car, and i remember. i care entirely too much sometimes about her. i always take her fear of being lost into consideration when she has to work in a missouri store, especially at one that i'm none too familiar with myself.

last night comes back to me at this point, and again i wonder... thinking why did i stay up that late and cry a little and put myself through something that shouldn't even involve me to begin with?

and then i think of the situation she was in, and i remember.

..though i'm still not sure why i cried to damn much when i did, and why i couldn't fall asleep...

after fighting and discussing things with ehr today about her and aaron, i still don't truly understand it. she said a couple of days ago that she couldn't do it anymore, yet there she is doing it some more. i just don't get it in the least, and i'm not sure what it'll take for me to do so. it's not that i'm not being open minded, it's not that i'm not factoring love into the equation... but apparently i'm not factoring enough love into the situation. from what i can see, i'll have to love someone else that much to be able to understand... and i'm not sure when and if that will happen.

i guess some things are better left unanswered.

i'd be happy to die for a taste of what (aaron has); someone to live for, unafraid to say 'i love you'...

edit: i'd just like to say, i think i've heard about one other person who can type as fast as me... i guess i've just been trained to teh intarweb.

+
Wednesday, Mar. 22, 2006 - 7:09 pm
+ only time i'm having one of those days where i jsut feel emotionally and physically drained for no reason and i'm just all blah, and easier to upset, and just... here. not sure how else to describe it. i don't really want to exist anywhere outside of my room and just feel really shitty.

it's like i'm stuck in an emo rut. i'm probably keeping myself there by listening to these songs, but even so. elsbe's been feeling strange, which is also affecting me and my moods, but this is somehow different and seperate.

elsbe's suggested i get back into therapy, and while that sounds all well and good... i can't open myself up to someone i don't know.
..sounds dumb coming from someone who's writing in a blog online, doesn't it?
seriously, i can't just knowingly open up to someone i don't know. i have to know about them as well, there has to be mutual transference of information and feelings and crap for me to really want to open up to someone about what makes me tick. it's just not that easy with me.

i think, though i despise it, i need to be back on medication -as i've been saying recently in here. i haven't been sleeping much anyway... which is also a sign, if i remember correctly. being both tired and unable to sleep, or sleeping especially restlessly. the fact that i can't sleep for more than five hours without waking up -and i'm lucky to get that much- is adding to this. i woke up six times night before last, five last night.

i don't know how much longer i can take this... though i'm not sure how the hell i mention this to dad to have the money to go and to get meds with it. hey dad, i'm depressed. give me money so i can fix it.

while he's on antidepressants, i don't see that working out well.

+
Wednesday, Mar. 22, 2006 - 10:23 am
+ i will never be with you here i sit across the way
wishing you could see,
hoping one day that you will,
the way i feel for you.

i watch you from here day by day,
we talk here all the time,
it's just that you have no idea
what is it i hide away for you.

you tell me what he's done,
i listen, advise, and watch you leave
tears streaming from your eyes,
and wish that i could make them stop.

wish that i could hold you,
keeping those tears away,
pushing away all of the pain,
singing you to sleep as the tears slowly end.

my heart is trapped within this love
that only goes one way.
just when i think it's ended...
it takes me over all over again.

still, here i sit across the way,
wishing you could see...
my heart is sitting on my sleeve,
waiting for someone to take it...

i wish so much it could be you,
i know it won't...
it's time to face the truth,
i will never be with you.

+
Tuesday, Mar. 21, 2006 - 11:27 am
+ it's time to face the truth

and now i present to you!:
OMGORZ, TEH EMOES~!!!!!!!111one: a playlist by landa and elsbe
songs compiled by: landa and elsbe
playlist arranged by: arranged by landa

1. please be careful with my heart // ricky martin ft. madonna
2. elfin leid theme
3. only time // twelve girls band
4. i can't make you love me // bonnie raitt
5. without you // rent
6. you're beautiful // james blunt
7. i should tell you // rent
8. rakuen // do as infinity
9. incomplete // backstreet boys
10. don't turn away // evanescence
11. ever... // do as infinity
12. so impossible // dashboard confessional
13. don't know why // norah jones
14. life support // rent
15. october // evanescence
16. na no hanabatake // do as infinity
17. i could not as for more // edwin mccain
18. understanding // evanescence
19. straitjacket feeling // the all-american rejects
20. hands down // dashboard confessional
21. to save yourself // 4th 'til morning
22. california (acoustic) // gone 'til november
23. for you to notice // sachboard confessional
24. what am i to you? // norah jones
25. i'm movin' on // rascal flatts
26. i'll cover you (reprise) // rent
27. lullabye // creed
28. finale b (medley) // rent
29. doesn't matter // alison krauss
30. screaming infedilities // dashboard confessional
31. broken // seether feat. amy lee
32. your eyes // rent
33. come away with me // norah jones
34. buffy and angel love theme // buffy the vampire slayer soundtrack

it's not quite all actually emo, but the overall feel is when you listen to it, yanno?
we could so totally market this as a two disc set. and she has even more on her computer that i don't have on mine yet (OMG!LEGASP).

and now off to brainstorm more tattoo designs.

+

+ why does distance make us wise +