Saturday, May. 06, 2006 - 4:09 pm
+ taking over me and it's taking more strength than i've ever known
to sit in my room and not reach for my phone...

+
Saturday, May. 06, 2006 - 1:00 pm
+ deep inside it's been pointed out to me in many, many ways in recent days that i apparently will never grow up. no matter how i react, i react as an immature brat who has to have her way, when that's not the case at all.

so what if i walk away from a situation? i come back pretty quickly, and i'm better. i'm not angry anymore, i'm not irritated, i'm not bitchy, i'm fine at that point. is it more mature for me to stay in the situation and end up ultimately blowing up on everyone and everything in my path while slamming things around, or is it more mature for me to withdraw myself from it entirely and come back to it with a clear head until i figure out how to stay in it without getting filled toe to head with rage?

::sigh:: i think i'll stop for now. got a comment from a friend from high school who's in germany in the army... apparently going to iraq pretty soon... gonna write a message to him, then get out of my room and go back in the situation i previously had left.

+
Wednesday, May. 03, 2006 - 11:27 am
+ war, destruction ::sigh::

so now, i'm apparently being too bi-partisan. and then i explain myself.
(as a side note, i feel like they're running for office somewhere, and i'm being too democratic or too republican and gettinga ttacked by moderates and the like. yey west wing.)

for all intents and purposes, i'm on elsbe's side. not even just because of "where my loyalties lie," but because this fight is rather close to my heart as well. i've lived my life larger, always have been, and likely always will be -though not out of laziness, for i was a very active child and i ate what my parents fed me with few snacks in between. i'll admit in the past few years i had gotten lazy, but i'm working on it now. i'm making money to be able to buy foods that aren't what my dad goes and buys, the food that magically appears in our refrigerator overnight that's meant for a "teenager" or "bachelor". yeah, one with a fast metabolism who can handle that much junk.

elsbe claims that i would sell her out to nazis. this is completely untrue. i would never knowingly sell her out. she says that i try to aim for peace no matter the cost, and while at one point in my life this was so, it isn't any longer. i try not to. if nothing i try to remain neutral, because most of the time it's a fight between, say, kristen and elsbe, and i will inherently end up hearing about both sides anyway. i may personally lean to one side, i just attempt not to while i'm with the other person.

i lean strongly on elsbe's side -so strongly that i'm laying down there. while i see autumn's point, i actually live it and know what it's like. i'm not sure that she can ever actually have any true idea, just as i have no idea as to waht it's like to be too thin to find clothes that fit right, and that i actually want to wear.

all in all, i understand that there's a principle to this... but after a time, this principle is lost after people do childish things like block others from being able to fight back. elsbe had much moreto say, but autumn blocked BOTH of us before either of us had a chance to be at a computer long enough to actually write a response. i'm sorry that we're not online often enough to be able to write immediate responses to posts or to comments, there's a thing called life that comes in to play there.

i'm through with this. i don't wish to really have too much ofa part in it anymore. i've said my piece, and if you have something to say about it... fine. say it. i just don't feel like beating a dead horse any longer than i need to, because i've said most of this already.

+
Wednesday, May. 03, 2006 - 1:59 am
+ move along just to make it through i assume i should just not read your xanga anymore, since you appear to have blocked me.
i'd just like to say that i haven't said or done anything else aside from the comments i'd sent you before, and i've actually tried to get her to cut it the hell out, but i suppose that it doesn't matter in the least since we've resorted to such trite and immature things as blocking each others journals.
look, nothing of what i'd said had been meant as an attack. i would have called you, but when i switched to my new phone your number went poof, and i would hav easked julie, but i'm currently not speaking with her. not sure of who else i talk to that would have your number.
it seems that this is a losing battle. i withdraw completely, just know that i'd hoped that it wouldn't come down to something as childish as this has turned out to be, especially since you tend to be a rather cool person in general... but cest la vie.

sincerely,
landa

p.s. not angry, not meant to be taken in any offense or anything, just fed up and accepting fate. people seem to be readint too much in to everything that i say lately.

+
Wednesday, May. 03, 2006 - 1:09 am
+ when you walk away you don't hear me say please, oh baby, don't go

they should name a gender after you. looking at you doesn't do it. staring is the only way that makes any sense. and trying not to blink, so you don't miss anything. and all of that, and you're... you. i mean... Look, forgive me. it's just you are drop dead, crazy gorgeous! so much so that i'm actually considering looking at you again before we finish up here.