Wednesday, May. 24, 2006 - 1:41 am
+ who do you think you are my father is an asshole. he just basically said "go to bed, i want to talk on the phone and you can't listen to it. so there," but in his own way. "what are your plans tomorrow? i was wondering if you'd need to rest up for it or anything..." i say that i'm not sure yet, and asked since when i need to be in bed by one. "i try to keep our conversations pretty private..."
...
to which i basically give a fuck you, unplug my laptop, and storm off into my room because i can't even live anywhere that isn't my room at night anymore. not even while watching a movie and writing something that's actually fucking important to me...
what's more is i know he doesn't really care at this point. he'd rather talk to his little girlfriend than to me, and for that i don't blame him because we all know that i'm the absolute most fun person in the world to talk to -yeah right... but jesus. at least he pretended to care when mom was alive, and right after she died...
..and now i cry.
he won't even go anywhere with me if he can help it. he always sends me to do everything, or he does it himself after i protest enough.
i was on my way to the kitchen when he said this, which is even more fun. or at least when it started. i was getting a drink and was going to unload the dishwasher, taking a break from what i had previously been writing to clear my head and write more... came back in, sat down to start writing again, and then what happened... happened. so much for being productive tonight. i figured, what the hell, we did groceries today... why not refill the dishwasher and get some other stuff washed so we/i can cook them tomorrow for lunch and maybe dinner? i was actually about to use my insomnia for something...
god, he just makes me so mad... and he has no fucking idea, because that's what comes with having a penis... being clueless.
as if i didn't feel shitty enough on my own...
i'm getting some fucking tea and a sandwich. fuck him. i'm getting my laptop power cord and coming in here to camp for a while before i go to sleep... i can't sleep while i'm crying anyway... let alone when i'm upset in general...
+ i just watched er from thursday. ..oh my motherfucking god i don't want to wait all summer to find out what happens. hatred for nbc right now. i totally just almost cried. abby is my favourite character, then neela, then sam, then luka. this is so not fucking fair. ... in other news. i made me and elsbe's summer mix tonight... at least the first of what will likely be two cds, the second to come later on after we've heard a little bit more new music that might be added. the playlist is as follows, and can be sent in its entirety to any who request it; it combines a few songs from previous summers/hits mix discs as well: one) rock guitar remix of hikari, no vocals i think i'm proud of this one. relative good mix of older and newer. ..::sigh:: i hope she's sleeping well... she needed it. how dare one question another's motives in a relationship with someone else, especially far enough to say that they don't care at all and that they're just in it for themselves when it's painfully obvious to everyone else that said idea is preposterous. what gives someone the right to judge how another lives like that? and for them to not even think about what's coming out of their mouth... about that and so much more that's near and dear to the heart of the judged... to not realize that they're tearing out a heart and spitting on it, and then turning away from it while it's there bleeding before them... how can one be so cruel as to break the heart of their love? would it not break their own?
+ i'm so not looking forward to working at noon tomorrow. nor am i looking forward to being there until eight. at least it's not four days in a row, like it will be from thursday to monday this week... guh. death. weekends are the worst times to have to do that. i'm tired. i'm not sure what i was going to say when i started this... i had an entry in mind, but it completely left me. goodnight.
+ i remember when you came with me that night you're the one mistake i really didn't mind i remember when you came with me that night i gotta let you go i remember when you came with me that night i remember when you came with me that night you know who you are. this is for you. formatting to come after work.
+ have you ever had one of those moods where you just kinda feel a little bit crappy, but you're alright, and you just want to talk to someone... but you try to, and they make you feel even worse because they don't really have time or something and you don't get to, and then they give you an attitude for little to no reason at all and everything is one great big misunderstanding, but you're left feeling angstier and more horrible than you thought you could have been previously and you really want to just crawl in a hole and stop existing for a while until everything cools down more and you can talk or think without worrying about anything else? yeah, that happened. i knew i'd need more time to explain things to elsbe than it'd take for aaron to go to the bathroom, so i didn't want to start. she prodded a bit, i continued saying no, she said i was just wasting time. i knew it'd be at least a half hour conversation... nothing was really wrong, i just wanted to discuss things in general. views, ideas, plans, etc. more than fifteen minutes that would be cut off and held off indefinitely. she got upset, got an attitude with me, and left with aaron. i texted her trying to explain, she calls me a bitch and says i was wrong... which i apparently was, but i didn't know i was. and i'm left feeling even worse and wishing to take everything back and that i could just have not wanted to talk or anything to begin with. ..all of this because i wanted to share my thoughts on life for once.
+
+ why does distance make us wise +
Monday, May. 22, 2006 - 1:43 am
+ my resistance is waiting
two) goodbye lullabye // gone 'til november
three) stupid girls // pink
four) ignition (remix) // r kelly
five) does the dj know // gone 'til november
six) your rain // akira yamaoka
seven) let u go // ashley parker angel
eight) byob // system of a down
nine) pretending // gone 'til november
ten) i do it for the drugs // smile empty soul
eleven) letter from the lost days // akira yamaoka
twelve) over my head // the fray
thirteen) california // gone 'til november
fourteen) on my way down // ryan cabrera
fifteen) the boys of summer // the ataris
sixteen) you're not here // akira yamaoka
seventeen) melt // gone 'til november
eighteen) nth degree // morning wood
nineteen) mr. brightside // the killers
twenty) 52 daturdays // gone 'til november
twenty one) here is gone // goo goo dolls
twenty two) straitjacket feeling // the all-american rejects
i wish there were a way to easily make others see what they don't... to get them to care about someone when they need them to... or at least effing show that they do when it seems as though the direct opposite. if nothing, for people to understand...
..for there to be a way for them to live in the life of someone else, directly in their shoes, for at least an hour one day... just so they can see it's nowhere near as good as they think it is...
Sunday, May. 21, 2006 - 12:42 am
+ goodnight sigh. so apparently people think i'm dead or something if i don't update at least bi-daily...
Thursday, May. 18, 2006 - 3:20 pm
+ but here i am again, with nothing left inside broken promises
but you don't really mind
it's not the first time and you know it
don't you know
tell me why it is you only smile inside
but when you break me into nothing
bon't you know
it's not like i haven't tried over and over again
stupid fights, wrong or right
goodbye
we said forever, that you would never let me go
but here i am again
with nothing left inside
know i don't wanna
but i gotta let you go
so beautiful, unmerciful
it took me down
too little and too late
see now i know your kind
you fake it easy just to please me
don't you know
it's not like we haven't tried over and over again
sleepless nights, wrong or right
goodbye
we said forever, that you would never let me go
but here i am again
with nothing left inside
know i don't wanna
but i gotta let you go
it's you
there's nothing i can do
we said forever, we said forever, we said forever...
but here i am again
with nothing left inside
know i don't wanna
but i gotta let you go
we said forever, that you would never let me go
but here i am again
with nothing left inside
know i don't wanna
but i gotta let you go
let you go // ashley parker angel
Wednesday, May. 17, 2006 - 12:02 am
+ goodbye love, goodbye love check the previous entries... much more important than this one, but it needs to be said.
